PROFESSOR CRAZIRIS: Which of you can tell me how many Unforgivable Grades there are?

STUDENT: Three sir.

CRAZIRIS: And they are so named?

STUDENT: Because they are unforgivable. Use of any one of them will…

CRAZIRIS: …will be on your permanent record and all transfers forever, repealed by neither extra credit nor retaking the class nor bribing the provost. Correct. Now the chancellor says you’re too young to see what these grades do. I say different! You need to know what you’re up against, you need to be prepared! So, which curse shall we see first? YOU! Give us a curse.

STUDENT: Well, my dad did tell me about one…the Malattendance Grade.

CRAZIRIS: Ah yes, your father would know all about that. Gave the university quite a bit of grief a few years ago. The Malattendance Grade is reserved for the most tardy, the most truant, the most incorrigible class-cutters. They all say they have good reasons for missing class. But here’s the rub, how do we sort out the liars? Another…another…!

STUDENT: There’s the…um…the Plagiaristic Pass-Fail.

CRAZIRIS: Correct! Correct! Particularly nasty. The plagiarism grade. Rip off another student’s paper, copy the answers for a test, or buy one of those wretched essays online…either way, your more egregious cases of taking what isn’t yours and turning it in will get you this Unforgivable Grade. And despite the word “pass” in its name, the only “passing” you’ll be going is on the carriageway. Will someone give us the last Unforgivable Curse?

STUDENT: I can’t say it…it’s too awful…

CRAZIRIS: The Canoodling Curse. This is the sort of thing that will get both you and your professor Unforgivably Graded. Have a professor try to trade canoodling for a better grade, or make the offer yourself, and you’d earned yourself a one-way ticket. Only one person’s academic career is known to have survived it. And they’re sitting in this room…

This parody is inspired by and contains material adapted from the screenplay for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by Steve Kloves. No infringement is intended or implied beyond its status as a parody.

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