Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

I suppose, when you get right down to it, he started believing his own hype. He’d done so much, you see, so much that people said wasn’t possible. A bright shining light of knowledge, you might say.

Well. There’s an old proverb, I think, that if you let any old light shine too brightly for too long in the darkness, it’ll start to think it’s the sun. And that’s what happened to him. He wasn’t just looking for answers in the way he had before; he wanted to be the answer.

And when that didn’t happen, I think it broke him inside.

• Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose shirt wouldn’t stay where he tucked it
When he tucked it in
It popped out with a spin
Until he decided to chuck it

• Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

“Do you ever give a thought to your legacy?” he asked, slipping out the sibilants in the question through a fog of nicotine-laced vapor.

“My legacy?” I said.

“Yeah.” Another deep puff, followed by a fresh cloud of fog leaking out of his mouth. “What you’ll be remembered for. Hell, if you’ll be remembered at all.”

I thought about that for a moment. “Do you really think that’s healthy, right now?”

“It’s just a question.”

“I guess the answer will have to be the same with me as it is with everybody else. Leave what I’ve done to stand on its own. Either it’ll add up to a legacy, or it won’t,” I said.

• Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

World’s aflame while plutocrats reign
Over those who are dying below
They keep selling us air with orders to breathe
But only when it suits everyone so

• Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

Seventh-Day Adventist of Squidgey
6 Saturn Rd.

Our Saturday services have everything! Avoid Sunday drivers, take advantage of Chick-Fil-A and Hobby Lobby at Squidge Corners Mall afterward, and revel in the knowledge that you and the descendents of the Bounty mutineers on Pitcairn Island now share a faith with its roots in the Great Disappointment.

Squidgey Temple of Latter-Day Saints (“Squidgemon”)
1840 Nauvoo Dr.

Guys, listen. Ignore all the wackiness about seeing stones and gold plates and secret underwear. Just think of us as a normal church, and things will all go much more smoothly. We also remind you that calling us “Squidgemons” is disrespectful and demeaning to both your congregation and the Angel Moroni.

Kingdom Hall of Squidgey
1 Kingdom Hall Way

Thank goodness for the Squidgemons, or y’all would really be all up in our business.

• Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

Squidgey First Baptist
1619 Cotton Boll Way

There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that there are First and Second Baptist churches due to the legacy of segregation. We are twice as big, five times as wealthy, and 500% more white than Second Baptist purely due to the prosperity gospel.

Squidgey Second Baptist
1865 Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd.

Welcome! Choir practice is every night at 7, dance practice is every other night at 8, and we have standing-room-only for our weekly praise. Congregants sneaking over from First Baptist for better food are kindly asked to wait until everyone else has been served.

Squidgey Third Baptist
1 Squidge Meadows Ln.

We have our own school, our own 300-seat theater, our own food court, and our own gym. If you live nearby, there’s literally no reason to leave unless you’re going on vacation. Come and be a part of our echo chamber!

• Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

Squidgey Mosque
650 McAllister Dr.

We are just here, minding our own business. No proselytizing, no potlucks, just an hour on Friday. Please stop sending us tracts.

Temple Beth Squidgey
1418 Jeru Circle

We were founded so that Shabbat didn’t mean two hours on the road, which means that the Reform and Orthodox folks hate each other and have all but declared open war. Still, you’re welcome any time as long as you bring your own yarmulke, since they are no longer given away for free. There was…an incident.

First Presbyterian of Squidgey
19 Galumph Tr.

Come and meet us in the middle! We have all the symbolism of a Christian church without any of the weird contemporary rock praise band or increasingly-thinly-veiled fascism of some of those other churches. Join the fastest-shrinking congregation in Squidgey and watch the middle be forced out of American civil society in real time!

• Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

St. Lucius Church
18 Amby Ave.

Are we Catholic, Lutheran, or simply Anglican? Our sign and website certainywon’t tell you, nor will the Brutalist architecture of our edifice. Come roll the dice and possibly be denied communion this Sunday!

Squidgey United Methodist
221a and 221b Baker St.

We’re a little more divided than united right now, and the two halves of the congregation aren’t really speaking to each other right now. But we are still open for worship and business! Go to the left of the white line painted through the church if you are okay with alternative lifestyles, go to the right if you are a bigot.

Squidgitarian Universalist
1 Infinite Loop

Think of us less as a church than as a buffet, where you go every Sunday (or whatever day you prefer) to worship whatever you want (from a god, other deity, universal life force or even the almighty dollar) or just pick and choose from our combo menu! The Buddhist Special with a side of Yoga-Level Hindu is especially popular right now.

• Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

Squidgey Heights Church of God
1127 Whiteacre Rd.

We set ourselves sharply apart from all the other Squidgey Heights churches that are, by implication, not churches of God or at the very least churches to the incorrect, Latin American, God.

The G Spot
227 W. Hwy 18

You can tell by our name that we are a hip place where young couples, preferably young couples with severa children, can come and worship and tithe together. You can also tell that our name was thought up by an all-male, all-retiree focus group.

Squidgey Arian Church
90 Downton St.

Arianism is a sect so old that it has been the subject of several crusades against it by the Catholic Church. Come see what all the fuss is about, and learn about the minor doctrinal differences that led to millions of deaths, in the church that Pope John XX called “a blight unto the eyes of the Lord.”

• Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

Sparkwort
Zeusoflorea electrii

The sparkwort is capable of generating an electric charge, which it uses in the wild to deter predators. As an ornamental, it can be an enticing and luminous addition to a garden, but can also be highly dangerous: large specimens are capable of producing fatal shocks and interfering with electronics, and they also act as literal lightning rods during stormy weather and are infamous for starting brushfires.

Wandering sproutella
Sproutellium lawrencii

Be sure to stake this beautiful perennial once it reaches about a foot in height, or it will begin to wander at night, creeping silently about on leglike roots. An episode or two of wandering are harmless, but if allowed to wander freely the sproutella will eventually enter its sexually active phase, in which male plants develop razor-sharp flower-darts that can cause painful wounds, sepsis, poisoning, or death in some sensitive individuals. Female plants, for their part, will become bolder and attempt to climb over houses and fences, eventually becoming brazen and attempting to batter down barriers (and people!) with heavy, woody, unfertilized seed pods.

• Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!