Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Name: Northern Cardinal
Peckédex Number: 004
Type: Fire Type, Cardinal Type
Weakness: Water Type
Evolves From: Northern Derp

Description:
As familiar as the rising sun, these fiery if flighty Peckémon are always ready to ignite a battle. With their incendiary temperament, powerful bite, and magnificent crest, these masked marauders are always full of pip and vigor.

Attacks:
Known Biter – With a beak specially adapted for cracking open tough seeds, cracking open soft and feathery Peckémon is no challenge at all!

Blaze Crest – This blinding burst of cresty energy will singe all but the most fireproof feathers. The higher the crest when it is fired off, the higher the damage!

Sonic Pip – With this alarming alarm call, the Northern Cardinal strikes fear into the hearts of its enemies, lowering their speed and agility.

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Name: Brown-Headed Cowbird
Peckédex Number: 003
Type: Dark Type/Blackbird Type
Weakness: Light Type
Evolves From: Brown-Headed Changeling

Description:
Sporting dark motorcycle jackets for the men and brown bodysuits for the ladies, these rebels without a caw live a free and easy lifestyle thanks to their penchant for dumping their kids off to be raised by foster parents. But the little Hell’s Angels always find their way back to the gang, and what the Brown-Headed Cowbird lacks in strength, it makes up for in numbers. Parents who kick cowbird eggs out find themselves on the wrong end of the Cowbird Mafia.

Attacks:
Parasite Peck – A weak attack that steals health from the target Peckémon and gives it to the Brown-Headed Cowbird.

Egg Drop (female only) – The female violently drops an egg on her foe, causing major damage and giving her a bonus to attack.

Dark Water (male only) – The male summons his Cowbird Mafia, which proceeds to fit the target for a set of cement shoes using Dark-element water attacks that sap the target’s defense.

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Name: Eastern Bluebird
Peckédex Number: 002
Type: Water Type, Thrush Type
Weakness: Fire Type
Evolves From: Eastern Bloob

Description:
These unmistakable blue bombers keep a chilly and aloof distance but show their true fighting spirit when it comes to icing bugs for a meal. Natural scrappers, they will fight with anyone or anything for a few more morsels of sweet, sweet protein.

Attacks:
Ice Kick – Drawing on their theropod ancestors, the Eastern Bluebird tries to put enemies in the cold ground with this chilly double-claw maneuver.

Bug Blizzard – The Eastern Bluebird showers foes in a blinding blizzard of bug bits, from chitin to elytra.

Permafrost Peck – A coldhearted jab from a needle-sharp beak that is sure to freeze even the most determined opponent in its tracks.

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Name: Mourning Dove
Peckédex Number: 001
Type: Sweet Type, Pigeon Type
Weakness: Sour Type
Evolves From: Mourning Squab

Description:
This large, social Peckémon has a sweet disposition but startles easily. Though it may seem like a tubby weakling, a Mourning Dove won’t hesitate to call for backup if pressed, and its ascending sonic attack and bombadier counter make it a foe to be reckoned with.

Attacks:
Coo Crew – A Mourning Dove can coo an alarm and summon other Sweet-type Peckémon.

Sonic Ascension – Blistering sonic notes sharp enough to shatter glass shed from a Mourning Dove’s wings whenever it takes flight.

Poo Poo Bombardier – Mourning Doves, like all other Pigeon types, can dive and release a stink bomb that has a chance of poisoning, blinding, or nauseating the target. Pigeon Type Peckémon are immune.

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Someone else got sick at work today
A bigwig, a boss, an administrator
“Maybe they’ll take it more seriously”
A co-worker said to me, six feet away
I smiled under my mask, shook my head
At this point, after seventeen months
They would rather die than be wrong

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Cast-off skin of a retread, rubber exuvia
I saw it for weeks on the side of the road
Perfectly posed so it looked like an injured cat
Regardless of the direction you were traveling
I said that it was a tire that had assumed a catlike shape
So that, in death, it might get the one thing that had eluded it in life
A hug. Human contact. Empathy for its fate. Love.
My wife told me this made her sad
It made me sad too
So I beg your pardon if you see me
Smeared with road grime
Hugging a tire
They deserve love too
Even if their plight is not real

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“I think it has to do with the Colossus of the Wastes. It wanders, you know, still to this day across the sands and will attack anyone who comes near. I think that the people in the Dead City had the Colossus as their protector, they put all their faith in it, but it failed. They were attacked, and everybody died, and now it wanders the wastes without a purpose, only returning from time to time in order to keep the city clean.”

-Kuwayra, caravaneer

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“My theory is that the Dead City is just that. The dead, jealous of the living, rose up to make all in the city equal in death, dwelling in some deep, hidden sepulcher that explorers have never located. But As jealous as they were of the living, they respected the city that had been built, and the living creatures that remained. So, whether out of obligation or remorse, they maintain it still.”

-Semara Smara, guide and tout

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Not to be confused with the City of Aaiun on the Dead River the Dead City is far to the southeast, in an arid desert that is within sight of the Silver Sea or Waking Sea.

It is a masterpiece of engineering, with tough volcanic rocks making up the majority of its construction. A spring wells up on a hillside oasis, there, so the entire city has been built as a series of descending terraces so water will flow from top to bottom by gravity alone. Le Aaiun herself called the city “a stepwell that the ancients could live in.”

But, as the name suggests, no one lives in the city now, though the water is sweet and much sought-after in the arid lands. Large numbers of cats and desert hares are the only occupants now, and those like Aaiun who visit seldom tarry long.

This is because the city is eerily preserved; silt has been cleared out of the channels, dust has been swept out of the streets, gardens are tended and even the cats and rabbits seem well-fed. But no one has ever seen a soul performing the labors necessary to maintain the Dead City and, moreover, no one has seen fit to settle there despite its advantages.

It takes only a day, maybe two, for the profound silence of the place outside of the running water, and the enigma of who maintains the place, to unnerve every the most hardened adventurer.

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Q: Why do people need to eat protein?

A: Because only the NCAA can devour amateur teens.

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