1. Drive carefully, as some patches may be slick and dangerous. While the increasing prevalence of snowy or icy weather in this region might make you think the city should invest in plows or de-icing equipment, this is not the case. Plows are expensive, after all, and the Ward 3 alderman is a climate denialist. In lieu of any organized solution to the problem, we are asking citizens to voluntarily salt the patch of road or highway immediately adjacent to their home at their own expense.

2. In the event of an extreme, unprecedented, or once-in-a-century storm, city trucks may scatter sand or grit on the roads at public expense. This is a cheaper option than salt, at the expense of being completely ineffective for everyone other than the gravel pit foreman, who is the Ward 2 alderman’s brother.

3. Dangerous roads are no excuse for missing work. The city is open for business! Essential workers assume the entire risk for any injuries or damage sustained on the way to work, or any termination/docked pay as a result of staying home. Mandatory business closings are Orwellian government overreach, but the city will at times issue a non-binding advisory statement encouraging absentee business owners to shut down for the day on their own initiative.

4. Procurement of food and supplies before and during a weather event is the responsibility of individual citizens. The city officially recommends a panic-buying spree starting 12 hours before said event, preferably at Linson’s, which is owned by the Ward 4 alderman.

5. The city reminds all citizens that heat and electricity are privileges, not rights. In the event of a widespread power or gas outage, lack of citizen planning does not constitute an emergency on the city’s part. Generators and gasoline are, after all, widely available for around $1000 for an entry-level model.

6. In the event of a particularly picturesque snowfall, the city retains exclusive rights to photographs of city property. This includes, but is not limited to, buildings, trees, roads, non-domestic birds and mammals. Use of any photograph which includes city property for any reason, public or private, will incur a licensing fee. The fee structure may be found on the city website, and the city has partnered with Invasoid Content Match LLC to use procedural AI to locate and fine individuals avoiding the fees.

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