“Yes, we won!” he cried
Alone, thousands of miles hence
From men he’d never met
October 6, 2013
October 5, 2013
From “SNN Presents: A Special Report on the Current Political Grid Lock Box” by Kensington Schauer
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: Democratic-Republican Party, fiction, humor government, political crisis, politics, shutdown, Slon, story, Whig Party |Leave a Comment
The political crisis continues this week in the Republic of Slon, where deadlock between the Democratic-Republican Party and the Whig Party has led to the suspension of all essential and non-essential government functions. The Slon News Network reports on the fallout.
Surprisingly, the shutdown does not seem to have affected the average person on the street in Slon, despite the apocalyptic rhetoric unleashed by the two parties in the weeks prior to the shutdown. According to experts, this is because most functions that were once provided by the Slon central government, and which are provided by many of its fellow governments, were so inefficient and backward that most citizens long ago made the transition to using unethical corporate alternatives. “Sure, it sucks that Slon Post isn’t delivering,” said one citizen, “but my packages always arrived late, singed, and smelling of bacon, so I send all my stuff through GesteCo Express these days. GestEx might pollute the environment and use my money to influence corrupt legislators, but at least they get the job done.” Another citizen, on being informed that the Slon Library and Archives of the Republic were closed for the duration, expressed surprise that they were still in operation: “Oh they were maintaining our priceless heritage for free and making it available on the network? I just assumed that GesteCo Heritage Services was the only source for that stuff, so I’ve been buying access at 99 sloncs a month.”
In a statement for the Democratic-Republican Party, Archon Laden O’Bourne said that the shutdown was entirely the fault of the Whig Party, saying that the Democratic-Republicans were “innocent as little baby goats” while adding that the four-day-old shutdown was “the worst such political crisis in the history of Slon.” When reminded of the gridlock that led to a shutdown 18 years ago, which lasted two weeks, Archon O’Bourne backpedaled, claiming that “no one remembered” the earlier incident and that his statement was still correct inasmuch as he meant “the worst crisis in current history.”
The leader of the Whigs in the Assembly, Ephor Jimmy MacRibb, countered with a statement of his own indicating that O’Bourne’s words cast him as the “most ignorant, ineffective, and reviled Archon of modern times.” When reminded of Archon Crater, whose four years in office 35 years ago were so disastrous for the Republic of Slon that they are still known today as “The Great Malaise,” MacRibb said that his comments were taken out of context, despite being the only words he had said in a featureless and otherwise unoccupied room.
An uninterested third party, speaking on condition of anonymity, had the following remarks: “The end result of the gridlock will primarily be twofold. On the one hand, when the Whigs are in power, the Democratic-Republicans will use the same tactics they now decry with a smile on their faces. Much as the Whigs’ current tactics were practiced by the Democratic-Republicans during Archon Germanicus Briar’s administration six years ago, tactics that the Whigs at the time called ‘a holocaust-genocide-abortion.’ On the other hand, other countries jealous of the Republic of Slon or wishing to minimize their own horrible internal problems will trumpet the problems. Expect the Tyranny of Kyiiv to use jokes about the shutdown to distract from their current practice of grinding up political opponents and homosexuals into a nutrient paste for general consumption, and the Confederation of Maghrebos to feel better about themselves despite their corrupt governments squandering every cent of aid earmarked for their starving and restive citizenry.”
October 4, 2013
From “The Tale of Veils McGaff” by Arthur K. Armitage
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: fiction, story |Leave a Comment
“Mr. Armitage,” people often ask me. “You spent more time hunting this outlaw than any other lawman. Why did they call him ‘Veils’ McGaff?”
Surely you’ve heard all the regular theories. The most popular is that he killed so many men that the market for mourning veils for their wives exploded in every town he visited. That’s not true, since Veils McGaff tended to kill men like him–hardened desperadoes without wives and for whom no tears would ever be shed–or men like me–whose hollow marriages, maintained for the sake of propriety only, would result in nothing resembling mourning should either partner take the long dirt-nap.
Another is that McGaff came from the small town of Veil Falls. That much is true, as he was born in an apartment above a whorehouse and below another whorehouse in that very town. But in those days Veil Falls was known as Whore’s Crossing, and it did not assume its less salacious monicker until Veils McGaff had already begun his reign of rampaging terror.
Some have even claimed that Veils was McGaff’s actual given name. I’ve heard that it was short for the name Veilorious in honor of Veilorious the Reprobate, a Roman senator written about by Cato and Cicero. The fanciful combination of given and middle names Vernon and Illinois into Veils has even been proposed by men who are no doubt staggering home from a long saloon night. But I know for a fact that McGaff’s actual given name was Aloysius, after his grandfather, and his middle name Mergatroyd, after the man his mother imagined had the best odds of being his father.
In fact, Veils McGaff was called that because of an incident in which he improvised a kerchief out of a piece of mourning veil during a bold daylight robbery of a haberdashery in Prosperity Falls. To his dying day at the end of two nooses from two equidistant gallows, he hated the appellation and for a time shot anyone who used it. He eventually settled on savage beatings instead, after realizing that it would be hard to recruit confederates if they were bulleted every time they used his most famous nickname.
October 3, 2013
From “The John Pemberton Center for Cola Addictions” by Kendall Isidro
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: addiction, cola, fiction, humor, soda, soda pop, soft drinks, story |Leave a Comment
Whether you call it soda, pop, soda pop, Coke, fizzlers, The Bubbly, or simply cola, you have to admit that this family of soft drinks has never been more pervasive in global society. From ubiquitous advertising to cultural practices that normalize “going out for a cola or two after work with the boys,” people do not realize that colas carry the same risk of addiction as hard drinks (but not medium-strength drinks).
People do not realize that, in a cola addict’s brain, consuming a fizzy caramel-colored beverages lights up the same Important Brain Areas as sex, straight morphine, cocaine, huffed paint, and the Russian skin-rotting drug krokodil (all at the same time). Long-term abuse of cola can lead to:
– diabeetus
– Africanized killer cancers
– kidney hijinks
– bladder explosion
– British Smile Syndrome (BSS)
But we’re here to help. The John Pemberton Center for Cola Addictions is a nonprofit organization that, provided you have the money which we totally do not use for profits of any kind, can help you through your addiction. Our exclusive inpatient treatment center is equipped with all the amenities, support, and strong-armed orderlies to help you deal with cola withdrawal side effects such as:
– sleepiness
– The Bad Shakes
– too much sugar in the form of pastries
– coffee consumption (in conjunction with our sister institution, the Betty Folgers Center)
– irritability
– lack of pop and fizz in one’s step
– sudden increase in tooth health and whiteness
– hours rather than minutes between bathroom breaks
Don’t delay! The John Pemberton Center for Cola Addictions is here to help.
October 1, 2013
From “Ms. Green’s 3rd Grade Classroom Raises Awareness” by Sandy Hobson
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: cootie shots, fiction, humor, story |[2] Comments
An Important Message from Ms. Green’s 3rd Grade Homeroom, Deerton Elementary School
Did you know that one billion percent of all school kids are at risk from a common infection? It’s good at math, because it adds to our trouble, subtracts from our fun, divides us up, and multiplies like crazy. But a lot of kids don’t get shots for it because of the anti-shot people, who say the shots can give you farts and make you fail your tests.
But COOTIES are real and you need to get your shots.
Remember to get your cootie shots from a nice kid. Listen for what they say. If they say “Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you’ve got the cootie shot!” they are a nice kid and you’ll be safe from cooties for at least a day. If they say Circle, circle, square, square, now you have it everywhere!” they are a bad kid and they just gave you extra cooties just to be mean. You should find someone else to give you a shot quick or you might give them to everybody.
September 30, 2013
From “The Cramper” by Calvin Higgins Joachimthal
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: fiction, film, humor, movies, story |Leave a Comment
The Cramper (1960)
Director: Jonathan Fort
Producer: Jonathan Fort
Writer: Jonathan Fort
Cast:
Jonathan Fort
Samantha Fort
Wilmer McField
Stacey Pinchot
Music: Jonathan Fort & Marcus Geraldstein
Editing: Jonathan Fort
Distributor: Liberty Pictures
One of the most dire of the gimmicky no-budget monster movies to wash up in the early 1960s. The Cramper, like many, sought to turn its liabilities of a low budget, no bankable stars, and a Poverty Row studio into strengths. It posited that the numbness of cramps is actually the first stage of possession and eventual consumption by an insidious “cramper” parasite. The apparent hope was that crowded grindhouses with uncomfortable seats would provide the needed cramping among audience members, but as a gimmick it is surely one of the most lame ever attempted.
There are unconfirmed reports that the director Jonathan Fort, wearing more caps than a hat rack for the production, hoped to slip a cheap cramping agent like cytorinabarmuphate into concession stands at theaters showing the movie, but being made the bottom half of a double feature with Goat Women of Venus put an end to that ambition. Fort, a longtime production assistant, quickly returned to that role after the movie underperformed (box office estimates for the opening week hover near $100 to $150 dollars).
The only noteworthy trivia about the film (other than its legendary camp value and the fact that 6 out of the 10 names on the marquee are the same, rising to 7 if you include Mrs. Jonathan Fort, the female lead) is the participation of Golden Age Hollywood composer Marcus Geraldstein. Having been blacklisted not long after his Hollywood debut, Geraldstein was a few years away from his first Oscar nomination and no doubt needed Fort’s meager paycheck to keep the lights on at home.
September 29, 2013
From “The Strange Case of Shairi Washington” by Brittanie Relaford
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: fiction, fraud, R&B, singer, story |Leave a Comment
Cascadia Post-Gazette, June 17, 20X0:
Newcomer Wins Local Radio Talent Search
…but the tape by local Osborn University student Shairi Washington, with its near professional poise, cutting edge production, and dazzling R&B sound, was the overall winner. Ms. Washington could not attend the ceremony, but accepted the $1000 cash award and airplay by mail…
Hopewell Democrat-Tribune, May 18, 20X1:
Shairi Washington, Winner of WHPW Contest, Releases First Album
…no one could have predicted that the contest-winning track would be such a hit, but stations have reported near-constant demand for airplay. Shairi Washington, speaking by telephone, said the response was “overwhelming.” “I come from a poor background, and I’m the first one in my family to go to college. So to suddenly have this kind of recognition…I don’t know what to say!” Ms. Washington has retained a local agent, Sheila Newman, to help her deal with the sudden demands of…
Detroit Picayune, October 1, 20X1:
Shairi Washington Signs Contract With SpinCycle Records
…SpinCycle, one of Detroit’s oldest and most powerful R&B production houses. “We are proud to have Shairi represented by a Detroit label,” said her agent Sheila Newman at a press conference. “Shairi has deep roots in Detroit, was born in Detroit. Her name means ‘poetry’ in Swahili, and her songs are indeed poetry for her city and all the places similarly affected by poverty and want…”
Detroit Picayune, March 18, 20X2:
New Shairi Album Goes Multiplatinum
…hot new act out of Michigan, Shairi, has seen her first studio album, Urban Prairie Girl, climb the Billboard charts at an unprecedented rate. Sales estimates are in the hundreds of thousands for physical and digital releases alike. “It’s humbling,” Shairi said in a statement read by her agent Sheila Newman, “for an inner-city girl to climb here from where I started…I’m on top of the world.” Shairi, notoriously private, has never granted an in-person interview but agreed to speak with the Picayune by phone…
Vanity Magazine, January 5, 20X3:
Shairi Announces Nationwide Tour
“…the demand has been there from day one,” said Shairi’s agent, “but Shairi is very shy and retiring, and it took a long time to convince her. But once the decision was made, we began training, rehearsing, almost ten hours a day.” Reports indicate that the tour will feature substantial special effects, both practical and digital, and one effect in particular has cost millions of dollars with the subcontractor bound to secrecy by a non-disclosure agreement…”
Vanity Magazine, June 1, 20X3:
Shairi Tour Breaks Records
…response to pent-up demand, tickets sold out online in minutes. Even with the addition of second shows and new stops on the tour, scalpers are selling “Shairi Ascendant” tickets for ten times their asking price. But to the fans thronging outside the venue for Shairi’s first performance tomorrow, it is money well spent…
New York Herald, June 15, 20X3:
Questions Remain About Shairi “Glitch”
…agent Sheila Newman continued to deflect questions about the seeming lack of synchronization between Shairi’s lips and the music, and what appeared to be pixelation of one of the singer’s arms. Captured on numerous cell phones in the venue, the “glitches” have raised questions among many pundits. “Could Sheila be the Milli Vanilli of our time?” asked one particularly cutting op/ed the day after…
New York Herald, July 8, 20X3:
Will the Real Shairi Washington Please Stand Up?
…Osborn University, in turn, denied that anyone by the name of Shairi Washington had ever attended school there. City of Detroit records show no birth certificate under that name. Shairi’s agent Sheila Newman continues to maintain that the “software Shairi” projected as a hologram during the singer’s live shows was an “avant-garde experiment” and that the vocals and movements were those of her client. To the other allegations, Ms. Newman had no response…
Detroit Picayune, August 27, 20X3:
SpinCycle Records to Close Doors
“…we wanted to believe,” he said, adding “she fooled us all.” SpinCycle, founded in 1970, crumbled under a wave of litigation related to the now-infamous Shairi Washington scandal. The revelation that the singer’s physical appearance and songs were all generated on a computer, allegedly by her agent, left the label with “no choice” but to shutter operations. “It’s small consolation that we weren’t the only ones fooled; this thing has hit us and Detroit at the worst possible time…”
Hopewell Democrat-Tribune, September 27, 20X4:
“I Made Up Someone To Be Who I Couldn’t Be” Says Newman In Court
…statement read, in part, “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. I have a problem; I am an addict, I need help. I can only beg for your forgiveness.” The prosecutor was unmoved by Ms. Newman’s plea, contending that her fraudulent creation and marketing of the Shairi Washington persona and music was not only “nakedly, blatently fraudulent, a confidence game,” but that the stunt represented “the culmination of a patter of increasingly sophisticated, grandiose, and narcissistic schemes…”
September 28, 2013
From “The 1000-Mile Stone” by Seamus “Shay” Antina
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: fiction, story |Leave a Comment
You know that rock that was right here? Little old hunk of granite, looks like it was smoothed in a river?
One day a few years back, I was in a bad place. Lost my job because my company had invested in someone who’d invested in the real estate bubble. Family left me for someone who was employed, and the bank who’d started it all was kind enough to foreclose on my house before it failed.
So I found myself alone, without prospects, with nothing but the clothes on my back and a few things in storage, faced with the prospect of walking or hitching across the county to my sister’s to beg for a couch to sleep on. Well, you might say that I was a little angry about that, so when I found that stone in the lot of a Huddle House I couldn’t afford to eat in, I gave it a mighty kick.
It felt so good that I resolved to try and kick it along with me as I started my walk, if for no other reason than to give me something to do. As I went along, I noticed that that little stone traveled an arrow-straight line when I kicked at it, unlike most. And I got to thinking about the journey it must have taken to be in that parking lot. I’d been a bit of a rock hound in my youth, so I imagined the whole thing, from cooled magma to grinding under a glacier to polishing in a river.
In fact, that little old rock was a lot like me. It had been beaten up in every which way you’d care to imagine, but it had taken everything the universe could throw at it.
When I got to my sister’s, I just kept on going, kicking the rock as I went. You might say it was zen, or a ritual, or even one of those obsessive compulsions. But for me it was like having a brother along for the journey, one that could understand my pain and, unlike my real brother, let you get a word in edgewise. Before long people heard about what I was doing, and they started to offer me food and shelter along the way.
I walked 1000 miles, kicking that little stone every step of the way, until I reached the sea here not three days ago. They say it’s a record, and for all I know they may be right. It didn’t much matter to me; what mattered was that I had a purpose. I had carved out a little niche for myself, and that rock had formed a new me much as nature had given it new form over however many thousands of years.
So naturally you can imagine, given all that, how perturbed I am that you just tossed my 1000-mile stone into the Atlantic Ocean.
September 27, 2013
From “Limerwicky” by Tom Roso Heeg
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: doggerel, fiction, humor, poetry, story |1 Comment
In the town of Down there was a longstanding tradition
The catching of a goose was a young man’s mission
With goose in hand
And holdings in land
A young man became a man
And marriage could be his plan
They gathered in Down on the first day of fall
Fat boys, skinny boys, greedy boys, all
When the starting gun fired
They chased what they desired
But in the goose-flock down by the gap
The wily birds avoided their traps
Except for one bright young lad
Who got what geese were to be had
Returning to town
All laden with down
The others asked how he had done it
“My bicycle, lads, was all of my kit
I haven’t oiled it in weeks
And surely you know
If you’ve gone with the flow
That the squeaky wheel gets the geese”
Excerpts From Nonexistent Books 
October 2, 2013
From “When Pastimes Collide” by Jacelyn “Bali Mojo” Marina
Posted by alexp01 under Blog Chain | Tags: Chicago Bears, Chicago Cubs, commentary, Detroit Lions, Detroit Tigers, endzone, fiction, football, humor, nfl, sports, story |[8] Comments
This post is part of the October 2013 Blog Chain at Absolute Write. This month’s prompt is “Lions, tigers, and bears, oh my.”
PLAY-BY-PLAY: And we’re back with the Detroit Lions versus the Chicago Bears. 4th quarter, 0-0, and just coming off a Meyersby flummox by the Bears that Oscar Earle stopped for the Lions using the Thatch Weave.
COLOR: You just made that up, didn’t you?
PLAY-BY-PLAY: True enough, Carl, true enough. But it’s not like anyone actually listens to our chatter, we’re just a part of the background noise like the roaring fans and the commercials for products aimed at males 18-35. And if we can’t embrace that, own that, and have some fun with it, ours is a hollow existence devoid of meaning–a meaningless howling into the infinite void, if you will.
COLOR: Fair enough, Tom. Looks like Earle is up for the snap on our next play, third down.
PLAY-BY-PLAY: Yes, the Detroit Lions are going all out with this one. They’ve got Earle with Tennison on his right, but the Chicago Bears are countering with Masterson in the center. They both want this bad.
COLOR: Yes, it’s a knock-down, drag-out fight this one, because the loser in this case will be at the very bottom of the NFL rankings not only for this season but for all time. Statistically speaking a very tough black mark to shake, and neither the Lions nor the Bears want to replace the 1924 Birmingham Klansmen in the NFL museum’s “Hall of Shame” for worst record in the history of the sport since organized competition began on November 6, 1869.
PLAY-BY-PLAY: There’s the snap, and…it’s bad! The Lions fumble, and the Bears’ Masterson has got the ball! He’s…yes, he’s out and clear, on the Lions’ thirty and closing in on a touchdown!
COLOR: Not looking good for Detroit and the Lions, Tom. Given the staggering incompetence demonstrated by both teams at the sport in general and this game in particular, it’s unlikely that the Motor City will be able to recover. This will be yet another tough body blow for a city currently suffering from bankruptcy, organized and disorganized crime, corruption on a biblical scale, and relentless nightly assaults by zombies who cannot be killed as they are on the city’s payroll and vote regularly for alderman thanks to a legal loophole.
PLAY-BY-PLAY: Masterson’s on the twenty, on the ten…Masterson is down! Yes, Masterson is down just short of the Lions’ endzone! A player wearing a grey uniform, no pads, and a ballcap has appeared on the field, and…yes, he put Masterson down using what appears to be a baseball bat!
COLOR: That’s right, Tom. Dozens of players, all armed with bats, are surging onto the field from the Detroit locker room. From the stylized “D” on their caps and the leaping orange felid on their jerseys, I can only assume…yes, we’re getting confirmation from the field! The Detroit Tigers have joined the game on the side of the Lions, and it has degenerated into a general melee!
PLAY-BY-PLAY: Yes, Carl, the Bears that were guarding Masterson have themselves been pummeled into submission, their pads, helmets, and indeed cups being no match for skillfully wielded aluminum bats in the hands of anabolic-steroid-blasting meatslabs. The Tigers are forming up, and…yes, they have just awkwardly punted the ball back to the Lions with those selfsame bats. Carl, your thoughts on this sudden and almost certainly illegal play?
COLOR: Nothing against it in the rules, Tom, and I know those backwards and forwards as they’re the only reading material we’re allowed during the 27 hours of pregame coverage. It looks like the Detroit Tigers have come to the aid of their fellow Motor City players, being as upset at the idea of having a worst-ever team in their city as anyone. And, being no good at baseball, they seem to have found their niche–the Tigers, for those who only pay attention to good teams, being in little danger of slipping to historic last place themselves thanks to the continued existence of the Chicago Cubs.
PLAY-BY-PLAY: The Bears are fighting back as best they can, Carl, even emptying their benches, but with the Cubs nowhere in sight, they are being massacred, literally and figuratively, by the combined Lion/Tiger assault. The refs are not stopping this, Carl, they are not stopping this. The Detroit ref has actually joined the assault–that’s him strangling Zaford with his whistle–and it appears that the Chicago ref has fled the field out of fear for his personal safety. It’s a confused melee out there, but one definitely trending in the direction of the Chicago endzone and eternal infamy for all participants in this debacle, surely the death knell of professional sports in every city and franchise involved. Carl, your thoughts?
COLOR: Lions, Tigers, and Bears, oh my.
Check out this month’s other bloggers, all of whom have posted or will post their own responses:
Ralph Pines
ishtar’sgate
skunkmelon
pyrosama
julzperri
Angyl78