Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Deputy Marshal John Cunningham
Male Dwarf Ranger
16 STR, 15 DEX, 13 CON, 12 INT, 12 WIS, 9 CHA
25HP, rifle 1d8 (6 shots), dagger 1d4

Deputy Marshal John Cunningham led the charge at Slaughter Gulch that routed a group of wild locals intent on raiding a local settlement. But he didn’t get any credit for this victory, all the plaudits going to his superior at the time who was actually asleep and drunk. Bitter over his stolen glory, Cunningham constantly feuds with Marshal Hopkins, considering the latter to be a braggart and a blowhard.

Deputy Marshal Buzz Hopkins
Male Elf Ranger
12 STR, 16 DEX, 13 CON
20HP, revolver 1d6 (7 shots), sword 1d6

Deputy Marshal Buzz Bopkins is renowned for putting away the O’Callahan Gang, one of the most notorious groups of outlaws and lawbreakers the area had ever seen. He has shamelessly ridden this event to local fame and local prosperity despite the fact that it was entirely luck–he happened upon the O’Callahans when their sentries were drunk and asleep. He constantly preens himself over this victory and feuds with Marshal Cunningham.

Caleb Jung
Male Human Bard
12 STR, 15 DEX, 14 CON, 16 INT, 12 WIS, 8 CHA
15HP, sword 1d6, revolved 1d4 (8 shots)

A perennial washout, Caleb Jung is nevertheless perpetually happy and upbeat despite working a series of terrible jobs like manure shoveler, manure wagoner, manure courier, and manuresmith. He is a constant fixture at any sort of trial or job opening where he thinks he can improve himself, but does not let his 100% failure rate get him down in the slightest.

Westminster Talbot
Male Elf Mage
9 STR, 13 DEX, 12 CON, 20 INT, 8 WIS, 10 CHA
10HP, rod 1d4, Magic Missile (5 uses), Charm Person (3 uses), Color Spray (2 uses), Fireball (1 use)

Scion of the Talbot Farms Talbots, the apple and apple cider and hard cider kings of the area, Talbot has a self-important and patrician air about him that even others from the same social strata find insufferable. His equipment is of the highest quality, amd he is not without skill, but he frequently finds that the only people who can stand to be around him are those he pays for their trouble.

Jasper Scuddemore
Male Half-Orc Barbarian
18 STR, 14 DEX, 17 CON, 10 INT, 9 WIS, 8 CHA
25HP, sword 1d8
Manservant to Westminster Talbot and raised with him since birth, Jasper Scuddemore is unflinchingly loyal to Talbot, advancing his cause and making excuses for him utterly selflessly. Unbeknownst to both Talbot and Jasper, they are half-brothers–Mr. Talbot having had a fling with Jedda Scuddemore, his half-orc former nurse.

Dr. Daniel Evans, Esq.
Male Elf Rogue
12 STR, 19 DEX, 10 CON, 18 INT, 9 WIS, 17 CHA
15 HP, revolver 1d10 (5 shots), dagger 1d4

A gambler and ne’er-do-well, Evans tends to pepper his speech with Latinate malapropisms that he believes make him sound smarter. He has a reputation as a fierce card player and as the slayer of notorious bandit “Gravedigger Perkins,” both undeserved. In reality, Evans is a poor player that relies on cheating and braggadocio to win, and he merely convinced Evans to commit suicide rather than submit to capture. Despite this, he does have an avowed soft spot for those who are down on their luck.

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Ellen Strasser
Elf Female Rogue
STR 15, DEX 14, CON 13, INT 18, WIS 19, CHA 17
20HP, rifle 1d10 (3 shots)

The lowly daughter of a blacksmith, Ellen is a master of manipulation and guile. She convinces people she is a harmless nonentity and uses this position to dominate them with a carefully played series of chess moves. Her masterpiece involved starting a war between settlers and natives in an attempt to seize power over a settlement.

Naquewocsum
Dwarf Male Cleric
STR 10, DEX 11, CON 15, INT 16, WIS 18, CHA 16
10HP, rod 1d4, Cure/Cause Light Wounds (2 uses), Cure/Cause Medium Wounds (1 use)

The leader of the native inhabitants of the area, Naquewocsum (Nack-Kwee-Ock-Sum) is a great lover of practical jokes and plays them at every opportunity. He uses humor in his diplomacy, but woe betide anyone who thinks this means he is frivolous with his life or those of his people.

Amacuan
Dwarf Male Fighter
STR 18, DEX 15, CON 17, INT 8, WIS 9, CHA 14
25HP, warhammer 1d12

Naquewocsum’s fiery nephew, Amacuan (Ah-mah-coo-an) is everything his uncle is not: impulsive, quick to anger, and violent. He advocates violence as the first, last, and intermediate step for everything, and is easily insulted or slighted.

Marion Leuhaan
Half-Orc Male Barbarian
STR 19, DEX 17, CON 15, INT 15 WIS 15, CHA 8
30HP, sword 1d8, shotgun 4d4 (2 shots)

Leuhaan detests his given name but is otherwise an extremely wily bandit. His brutish appearance belies a keen intelligence, and his favorite tactic is to talk to someone directly while approaching them, counting on his intimidating appearance and menacing affect to silence them. Not to be underestimated, he carries a concealed double-barrelled shotgun under his duster and will use it to devastating effect if he manages to talk his way close enough to an adversary.

Dr. Dana D. Eggebrecht
Gnome Female Mage
STR 8, DEX 17, CON 10, INT 19, WIS 12, CHA 9
10HP, dagger 1d4, Magic Missile (4 uses), Color Spray (3 uses), Ray of Frost (2 uses), Grease (1 use)

A researcher from far away, Dr. Eggebrecht (egg-breck’t) is used to being pampered and well cared for in large civilized cities. The sand and dust and grit her research has subjected her to is a source of never-ending frustration. Her research into the area’s prehistory is complicated by her low opinion of the locals, which often leads to arrogant confrontations on her part.

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Virginia McNeil
Female Human Ranger
STR 14, DEX 20, CON 15, INT 12, WIS 9, CHA 12
20HP, pistol 1d6 (6 shots), dagger 1d4

The daughter of legendary lawmen, Virginia is a crack shot with a pistol and an excellent rider. She tends to let her natural skills and her pedigree get the better of her, though, and has a tendency to be arrogant, cocky, and presumptive. She secretly enjoys reading tawdry novels in the vein of Ragged Dick.

Adam McNeil
Male Human Cleric
STR 8, DEX 18, CON 10, INT 17, WIS 18, CHA 13
10HP, cane 1d4, Cure Light Wounds (4 uses), Sanctuary (2 uses), Bless (2 uses)

The brother of Virginia. Crippled in an accident and hardly able to walk, he runs their large ranch. All his dreams of future glory have been transferred to his sister, and he has a reputation as an honest rancher who pays good wages for honest work.

Prissy Deerton
Female Elf Fighter
STR 10, DEX 17, CON 12 INT 15, WIS 14, CHA 19
15HP, sword 1d8, Reynard the Rat

A trainee fighter with a taste for finery, Prissy is never without her pet rat Reynard (treat as a party hamster). A competent fighter despite her low strength, she is terrified of spiders and will flee from the very sight of them.

Jake Sullivan
Half-Elf Male Mage
STR 8, DEX 18, CON 15, INT 17, WIS 16, CHA 12
15HP, revolver 1d4 (8 shots), Magic Missile (5 uses), Ray of Frost (3 uses), Grease (2 uses), Color Spray (2 uses)

The only child of the powerful Widow Sullivan, Jake has a reputation for being snarky and utterly intolerant of incompetence. He launches withering barbs at anyone he deems incompetent or stupid, but this comes from his desire for excellence rather than malice.

Daisy-May Portia
Halfling Rogue
STR 10, DEX 12, CON 17, INT 16, WIS 19, CHA 17
20HP, stiletto dagger 1d6

Owner and operator of a saloon and a local stagecoach business besides, Daisy-May came into her holdings with the suspicious death of Mr. Portia and has since expanded them tenfold. An extremely canny businesswoman who brews her own liquor, she is ruthless with money but is also obsessed with spiritualism and reincarnation. She is convinced she has lived any number of past lives and does not hesitate to describe them.

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“Look at that guy over there. Who’s he remind you of?”

“A really grumpy looking guy?”

“No! Kim Jong-Il.”

“The North Korea guy? Huh, I guess he does kind of look like him.”

“He doesn’t just look like Kim Jong-Il, he IS Kim Jong-Il.”

“Shut up, he’s dead.”

“Could have been a ruse.”

“Come on, do you really think he’d fake his own death just to fly Delta to ATL?”

“Do you really think anyone would dress like that if they weren’t him?”

“That’s enough. I’m done talking about it.”

“Good, good. Argue amongst yourselves, Americans. It’s only a matter of time before you discover what’s in this briefcase…and why I had to deliver it personally.”

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