Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Due to last week’s temperature fluctuations, with a record 110º on Monday and another record -40º on Wenesday, we understand that a lot of our viewers are looking for answers.

Unfortunately, due to State Act 124-12 § 2, the “Don’t Say Climate Change” bill, we are not allowed to discuss the most likely cause of this wild weather. And thanks to State Act 124-12 § 1, it is unlikely that the average viewer would have the science literacy skills necessary to interpret it. As such, we must point our viewers elsewhere for answers.

Legislators in Texas are fond of blaming a certain group of people, and specifically perceived divine retribution thereupon, for natural disasters. But thanks to State Act 104-3 § 1-24, the “Never Say Gay” bill, that scapegoat is ironically forbidden to us as well, even though we are quite sure that the state legislature would approve.

We are also tempted to blame foreigners, but State Act 121-33 § 1, the “Sovereign State Relations” bill, states that we are not allowed to name any foreign state without express legislative approval. While § 2 does allow us to mention the Russian Federation and its wise and noble leader Vladimir Vladimirovich without such approval, it is only in positive contexts, and therefore will not do as a scapegoat for the fresh cracks in your masonry and hundreds of thousands of dead farm animals.

We are therefore compelled to say that the cause of this unprecedented event was completely unknown, completely unpreventable, and will completely never happen again. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s weather forecast, which features a 25% chance of firestorms.

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The Surreal Film Service is your source for the finest surreal films!

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Jericho Rogers paced the stage, his hands steepled. “If you stop demanding excellence, you stop getting it,” he said. “That’s been my watchword since childhood. I still remember my father using it, word for word, when he fired our nanny. It wasn’t that she had done anything wrong–she had just failed to live up to the standards of excellence set for her, and so she was gone. That’s the attitude I have here at GesteCo, and that’s the attitude I expect of each of you as well.”

“Did he just brag about how his dad being shitty to the nanny is the foundation for his success in tech?” said Laurel.

“His dad being a multimillionaire was the foundation of his success in tech,” replied Olive.

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The SI unit of spice exposure is the bucholz (bU), which measures the amount of capsaicinoids per unit of body mass, typically expressed as milligrams per kilogram (mg/kg). It is named after Christian Friedrich Bucholz, the German chemist who discovered capsaicin. While extremely precise, measuring bucholz requires an exact mass of the subject at the time of exposure as well as access to high-performance liquid chromatography equipment. As such, it tends to be used mainly for reference purposes for known substances–for instance, in determining the safe exposure level for working with Carolina Reapers in a laboratory context.

In contrast, a deprecated unit called the scoville (Sc) is often used informally or alongside the bucholz. SI deprecated the unit due to its margin for error and partial basis in subjectivity, but it remains in common parlance as a measure for spice exposure. For example, the meltdown at the Three Rivers Taco Shack–the largest spice release in US history–was responsible for about 1.4 mSc (milliscovilles) of exposure for the nearby populace over the two-week course of the incident.

By contrast, the accident at the V.I. Lenin Spice Laboratory in the former Soviet Union released approximately 300,000 Sc per hour, and resulted in the contamination of a large area in extremely pungent spices. Cleanup continues to this day, greatly hindered by the lack of a Latin American or South Asian food industry.

In both cases, it is important to note that spice exposure is cumulative over time, with continuous exposure leading to increased symptoms.

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Profile: Duvvu Neffe

Obet tend to be negatively stereotyped as criminals and deviants, thanks largely to high-profile figures like Don Xoppo and persistent rumors that their lack of distinct genders means that Obet are hyper-sexualized perverts. Neither could be further from the truth, of course, and Duvvu Neffe is on the leading edge of changing such perceptions about their species.

Born to a member of the Neffe clan as well as the M’Deed clan, Duvvu is already regarded as something of an oddity among their own people, as the Neffe and M’Deed are traditional clan enemies. But beyond that, Duvet’s major claim to fame is reaction videos to a variety of Obet and non-Obet media. Their horrified reaction to a human frog leg eating contest, as well as their hysterical laughter at a nominally serious Vatna blood opera daytime program, have made Duvvu a pillar of reaction comedy.

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Starting in 1980, Melville Strait was the site of an unexplained phenomenon called “the Hum,” alternatively described as a “ping” or a “beep,” which was heard throughout summer 1980 and into the early fall. It was heard by various Inuit villagers and hunters, as well as personnel at the joint Canadian/American airbase on nearby York Island.

Hunters blamed “the Hum” for a comparative scarcity of game animals that year, both marine and on land. Villagers in particular blamed it on the military base, which had already been involved in controversy through its use of a nuclear reactor power source and large-scale dumping of garbage. In response, Canadian and American military authorities performed an airborne survey of the area and deployed a signals intelligence unit to gather data.

Officially, the investigation team was a civilian contractor specializing in audiology and physiology. Reportedly, however, it was actually a joint NSA/CSE codebreaking and information warfare unit. In either case, the investigators detected a frequency between 32 Hz and 80 Hz, modulated from 0.5 to 2 Hz, but were unable to discern a point of origin from any natural or manmade source.

Ultimately, the investigation found that the sound was most likely the product of Soviet Grom radio direction finder tests from submarines, a part of the Molniya system intended to serve as the basis for short-range guided missile strikes. When access to Soviet archives was briefly available in the 1990s, though, it was revealed that not only had the Grom been abandoned in 1978, but that it and the Molniya system had been far too large to fit on any submarines available in 1980.

Furthermore, there were no Soviet records of submarines in the area at the time, with an incursion in January 1978 and another in July 1981 being the closest. When pressed on the issue, retired admiral Mikhail Lebedev called the claim “nonsense,” saying that even if the system had been available for use, it would never have been tested in the area of an active airbase. “The would be a very high risk of war for very little gain,” he claimed.

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In ages past, the great and all-encompassing Sky sent Its children down to the ground in the form of pigeons and doves. Numberless, they filled the world with their great flocks and huge numbers. The Sky told them that they were to be stewards of this world and guardians of its wisdom. In return, it asked only that they practice good stewardship and not forget their duties to lesser birds and lesser beings.

But in time, the doves forgot their promise and their place. Their numbers blotted out the sun, and some even grew so large as to tower over the other life that they were supposed to protect and nourish. They consumed all the available food, leaving none for any others. The Sky called the pigeons and doves to account for themselves, but they made a poor showing, impressing upon the great and all-encompassing that they did not realize the depths of their folly.

The Sky then gravely informed the pigeons and doves that, since they had pledged to nourish the other animals, they would honor the bargain one way or another. It then gave to the animals that were hungriest the ability to hunt and eat pigeons and doves. They gladly did so, and soon the pigeons and dives found their numbers much diminished and under threat. They pleaded with the Sky to reverse its decision, but it fell silent.

That is why, to this day, pigeons and doves are hunted and eaten. That is why so many have vanished from the earth. Only when their forgotten pledge is remembered, and all the hungry are fed, will the all-encompassing Sky see fit to restore them.

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Humans
Love Day, also known as St. Valentine’s Day, the Day of the 2/14 Incident, and The Lovening, is a day dedicated to romantic love on many human worlds. While it originates in several different belief systems, the embrace of the day by large corporations has led to its secularization. Attempts to encourage other Star Confederation cultures to participate have generally been catastrophic, with the sole exception of the Vatna, who have wholeheartedly embraced it.

Vatna
In addition to Love Day, where Vatna warriors are expected to present a battle-token to a loved one, the Vatna Hegemony also celebrates Vengeance Day or Revenge Day. This day, April 15, is dedicated to the settling of scores both large and small. In many cases, it can be as simple as setting a ceremonial booby trap or engaging in brief fisticuffs over a perceived slight, and many Vatna corporations sell traps and dueling gloves for this purpose. Vengeance Day can also be in deadly earnest, of course, and it is the most popular day on the Vatna calendar to declare BloodWar.

Fulvan Hive
Traditional Fulvans celebrate Conformity Day over four days, July 1-4, and treat it as a celebration of sameness, integration, and uniformity. Beige cakes are often consumed, and each Hive will agree in advance on a present for all Hive members to give to all other Hive members. Reform Fulvans, either on their own or as part of a Reformed Hive, generally use the same span to celebrate Freedom Day, a celebration of individuality and excess that is (in)famous for its drinking, dancing, and debauchery.

Zypger
The Zypger Union’s official state emotion is cool detachment, yet there is no official holiday celebrating such (though many informally observe it on November 1 as Statistics Day). Instead, official celebrations are held on a moveable day in the spring, the first full day after all three moons of Zypger IV have appeared in the same night sky. It is celebrated as Joy Day, with the strong implication that the Zypger people are joyous at their government. For its part, the Union does typically provide food and small gifts for the populace.

Ebzhyna
Anger Day does not seem in keeping with the generally laid-back vibes of the Ebzhyna, and that is exactly the point. Without an outlet for the boiling rage many of them are forced to hide behind a mask of cheerful indifference, mental illness and outbreaks of violence can happen. Uif Evef, the great leader that set the Ebzhyna on their philosophy of going with the flow, therefore built Anger Day into the new calendar. It is a display of pure unbridled rage, directed against inanimate objects, in most places; the ritual of the Purgative, where all laws and customs are suspended for one day, has proven difficult to reconcile with Star Confederation law.

Obet
Obets celebrate Comfort Day, with the date being mandated as a day off for all levels of society and a strict prohibition on anything other than comfort for the duration. Sales of couches tend to skyrocket around Comfort Day, and it is also the preferred euthanasia day for many of the critically ill. Due to the complete shutdown of all government services for the day, it is also sees an uptick in preventable deaths and auto-cannibalism as well.

11001001
As a networked and cybernetic culture, the 11001001 would seem to be a candidate to celebrate Conformity Day along with the traditionalist Fulvan Hive. Instead, the 11001001 observe Loneliness Day, day in which their network is temporarily disabled to emphasize how devastatingly lonely life is without it. Reportedly, this is the day when the largest number of 11001001 go rogue, as well.

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“I understand your concerns,” Lee said his hands folded in front of him. “That’s why I’m here.”

“That’s funny,” Mr. Charles DeWitt, Senior. said. “It seems to me like you’re there to do nothing while our boy is missing.” He rapidly and nervously tapped one leg on the stained hardwood floor, producing a rhythmic series of sharp clacks with the heel of his cowboy boot. Vice-Chancellor Lee was clearly bugged by this, sneaking a wide-eyed glance at the offending noise every few seconds.

“What Chuck means is, we’re very worried about our son, and we feel like every minute we’re here in your office is a minute we could be spending looking for him.” Charlene De Witt said. Like her husband, she was making a nervous sound–legs crossed, she was popping one stiletto on and off her left heel. Lee observed with pursed lips that, as far as nervous tics went, the DeWitts were made for each other.

“I understand and agree, Mrs. DeWitt,” said Lee in his most conciliatory tone. “But what you have to understand is that Charles Jr.-”

“Hunter,” Mr DeWitt snapped. “We call him Hunter.”

“Oh. He goes by his middle name?”

“He does not go by Llewellyn, no. It’s a nickname he got after he took down his first buck. Now, what are you doing about his disappearance?”

“As the Vice-Chancellor of Occult Affairs, I can assure you that…Hunter…is in no danger,” Lee said. “As I pointed out in my email, he’s merely been confined to the Mirror Realm. We can see him just fine, most often in the 18th-century mirror in the University Museum. It’s getting him to cross back over that’s been a bit more difficult.”

“I don’t see why not,” Mrs. DeWitt said. “Break the mirror. Hunter’s good at that. Took out a Tiffany when he was twelve.”

Mr. DeWitt sighed. “You never would let that do. Your daughter wrecked the car, but no, it’s always about Hunter and that Tiffany mirror. He didn’t know it was loaded, it was an honest mistake!”

“Please, please,” Lee said, hands now outstretched. If he was going to be a marriage counselor, the university really needed to let him charge by the hour. “If we shatter the mirror, that may eject your son into the Shadow Realm, which is even more difficult. We’re also not sure if the mirror is a necessary material component of the spell to return him.”

“So I’ll ask again: what are you doing, other than stalling?” Mr. DeWitt said. The tapping of his boot had increased in both frequency and pitch, and Lee was seriously tempted to unmount the golf club on the wall behind him and Tonya Harding the problem.

“We are waiting for a specialist,” Lee said. “Mr. Darkhollow is the university’s preferred contractor for issues like this. He freed that girl from Stella Delacroix’s amulet last year. And of course the exorcism of the plague demon from the Hatchley Residential Complex stands on its own.”

“What if we, ah…” Mrs. DeWitt began.

“We hired our own paranormal investigator,” her husband said. The tapping of his cowboy boot reached a fever pitch. “They can assist your Mr. Darkhollow when and if he arrives.”

“I’m sorry, Mr. DeWitt, but that’s simply not-”

“We hired our own lawyer, too,” Mr. DeWitt added. “He’s told us just how much the university will owe us if we decide to take my grandfather’s name off of DeWitt Hall.”

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