Nine years! More than 3000 entries by now, blowing right past that milestone! In fact, in April, I should publish my 3333th blog entry if all goes well – a milestone of repeating digits. What does the future hold?

Well, for one, I’m looking forward to EFNB’s 10th anniversary in 2020. I never thought the project could endure this long, longer than anything I’ve ever done. If it’s something I have to leave behind, I think it’ll do.

Sorry if I don’t have any new statistics to share this year; readership and comments have both been down, and I think that is down to the overall decline of blogs as a platform. There have never been more places to publish things, after all. But if I were doing this for readers and views, I’d have stopped long ago!

Thanks for sticking with me, whoever reads this. I’ve enjoyed the ride, and I hope you have too.

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Eight long years it has been
Since I took up a digital pen
Nearly three thousand posts
Thoughts preserved, virtual ghosts
Some worth saving, expanded upon
Others forgotten, and moved on
I hope these pieces, whole or in part
Touch some facet of your reader’s heart

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It’s hard to believe it’s been seven years since I’ve been doing anything, much less keeping a daily fiction blog. I can’t say how grateful I am to all the readers, commenters, and spambots who have visited this site over the past mirrorbreak (which is what I have now decided to call seven-year periods).

It seems forever ago that I sat down and decided to gel this long-gestating idea into something real, and by now, it’s the thing that has been in my life longer than almost anything else.

So here’s a brief thank-you and shout-out to everyone who reads this–and here’s to another mirrorbreak of quality (and not so quality) content from me!

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It’s been a momentous six years and as we close in on 2,200 posts overall, we thought we’d leave it to some of our most prolific contributors from the last few years to share their experiences of publication with EFNB.


Axton Wales
(Krane Wupinov, Half-Orc Bard, The Vallia Battlements Halfling Toss)

If it weren’t for the editors at EFNB, I wouldn’t have an outlet for turning my D&D adventures into fiction. Nobody takes roleplaying fiction, especially from players who don’t exist. There’s some kind of bias against nonexistent players playing a nonexistent adventure, just because it’s nonexistent two levels deep.


Lucy Y. Shantell
(The Mercenary Goblin, In the Name of Gob)

It’s hard for nonexistent authors to break into any genre, let alone crowded genres like fantasy. So I’m very grateful to EFNB for accepting the manuscript for my novel. I could have done without them chopping it up and publishing little bits of it out of order and therefore scuppering any chance of publication anywhere else, though.


Altos Wexan
(Ode to a Third Place, The Muse of Goo)

I’ve been with EFNB as a publisher since February 2010, and I’ve found no one more amenable to the type of fiction and essays I regularly write. They are a joy to work with and I can’t recommend them highly enough. But while we’re on the subject, guys, do you remember when you promised to stop paying me in imaginary money? Any movement on that front? Rent is due soon and I can’t sell much more of my blood.


Lila-Jenny Swanson II, editor-in-chief, Hopewell Democrat-Tribune
(L. R. Badeau on Being a Full-Time Unicorn [edited], Benchwarming in the Bleachfields)

The Hopewell Democrat-Tribune has had a content distribution agreement with EFNB since 2013, and ours has been an excellent partnership thus far. Nonexistent newspapers serving nonexistent municipalities have been hit harder than most by the economic downturn in the industry. By getting our content out there, EFNB has allowed our staff to continue pushing our progressive, inclusivist, pansexualist, and pro-formican viewpoints in a new age. Best of all, their pay for authors is exactly the same as The Huffington Post: absolutely nothing. Very competitive rates for such an upstart publication!


Klaus Ulrich Baden, Vice-President for Bloggery, GesteCo LLC GmbH
(Depression Werewolves [approved for general release], Cerebral Outsourcing [co-edited])

On behalf of GesteCo LLC GmbH, I am authorized to transmit the following statement, on the condition that it be understood heretoforewith that any objectionable opinions therein are solely my own and do not reflect an official position of GesteCo LLC GmbH. Official statement follows:

Thank you!

This concludes the official statement. Please note that any use of this statement outside of the context proscribed in the Explicit Transmittal Agreement is a breach of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act and will be vigorously prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. This statement is intended for viewers in Region 1 only and will not work on Region 2 computers or internet browsers. This content has been voluntarily blocked in China by mutual agreement of GesteCo LLC GmbH and the People’s Ministry of Truth. All rights reserved in perpetuity.


Anonymous
(A Writer’s Razor, Snarky English Major Haikus)

How did you get this number?


Catherine Vennari
(The Secret Plumage, The Raven’s Inheritance)

While there are many fine publication opportunities for connoisseurs of the dark, weird, strange, weirdly dark, and strangely weird, EFNB stands head and shoulders above the rest. Why? One simple reason: I suspect they are a shadow cabal of pigeon-computers networked into a gestalt whole.


Ari Penfield-Cuff
(Jane vs. the Megafrog, Ednesia)

Sometimes I just get the urge to write stuff. Not even writing, more like saying it straight onto paper. No filter. Just let te story flow out, even if it’s about dish soap or kangaroos. It’s just a thing I’ve gotta do sometimes, like breathing or composting or compositing or light murder.

Wait, I was published?


Andrew A. Sailer
(Why I Hate Reboots, The Best and Worst of Bond)

Thanks for publishing my rants. I doubt you’ve gotten much money out of them, but it counts as anger management according to the terms of my suspended sentence, so it’s all good.


Lynn Ruelle Badeau
(Happy (Belated) Unicorn Appreciation Day 2016!, L. R. Badeau on Being a Full-Time Unicorn)

Many sparkles to you on this joyous day!

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Can it be? Has it really been five years since we here at Excerpts from Nonexistent Books set out on a wing and a prayer to fill the gaping need for imaginary literature on the internet? We certainly never anticipated our five-year growth from a niche blog read by nobody to a niche blog read by a couple of people. Last year, the editors brought you some statistics on EFNB throughout the years, and we’d like to do the same for you here today.

Bottom Posts
1826. From “Scandal at the 2013 PTA Book Sale” by Em Njcole Mayers
1827. From “The Gorilla Diamond World” by G. Marc Kanev
1828. From “Through the Gate of Gales and Rust” by Tara-Astrid Danae

The least-popular posts on EFNB, with only four views by spambots apiece, are an eclectic bunch: science fiction, humor, and dour alternate-world fantasy. Why are they so unpopular, so neglected, when imaginary tales by imaginary authors that are arguably worse get better hit counts and even some non-spambot hits? The editors’ best guess is that the bizarre spelling of Ms. Njcole Mayers’ last name put off some readers, as did her use of the acronym PTA (parent-teacher association) when many are switching to the more neutral PTO (parent-teacher organization). Gravity-based posts are never popular, as evinced by the failure of the editors’ previous blog Musings on Gravitational Lensing Effects. And Ms. Danae confirms that the limited appeal of her post, the least-popular on our site, may be attributed to the fact that her post was based on a half-remembered dream within a dream.

Bottom Search Terms
01. “memory in seed crystal”
02. “callistans and humans”
03. “the room in which the boys were fed, was a large stone hall esercizi”
04. “sarcastic excerpts from literature”
05. “ixium bones in the dog rear”

While it’s become increasingly difficult to see what search terms are leading netizens to EFNB due to Google becoming increasingly paranoid and secretive about its search terms, clutching them tightly to its chest and muttering about CIA transmissions in its teeth, we have access to come data and can therefore present the least-popular search terms bringing peeps to our doorstep. We’re glad hat at least one person into New Age crystal healing was brought to us and hope to attract more of such (the success of our forthcoming Shards From Nonexistent Crystals merchandise line demands it). It’s unfortunate that the strained relationship between the shapeshifting Callistans and humanity isn’t attracting more attention, though. Our editors are also devastated that, despite a strong push for sarcasm in all that we do, our achievements in such have as yet gone unrecognized. None of us have any idea why boys would be fed in a large stone Italian exercise hall, though we are in contact with the proper authorities to find out. And yes, we do realize that a query about the bones in a dog’s butt is a perfect candidate for our bottom position…so much so that an investigation is currently pending.

EFNB’s Least Popular International Locations

Flag of São Tomé and Príncipe

São Tomé

Flag of Armenia

Armenia

Flag of Mali

Mali

Flag of St. Vincent and the Grenadines

St. Vincent

Flag of Tunisia

Tunisia

While EFNB attracts hits from all over the world, these countries are the least interested in what the site has to offer, with only a single hit apiece in our five years in existence. São Tomé and Príncipe and St. Vincent and the Grenadines continue EFNB’s unfortunate tradition of being deeply unappealing to small island nations with unwieldy names, and the editors would like to take their opportunity to renew their commitment to such (as well as other underserved locations like Antigua and Barbuda, the Federated States of Micronesia, and St. Kitts and Nevis). Tunisia and Mali are both excused from participation in EFNB as their recent histories are filled with turmoil, with Tunisia as the maternity ward of the Arab Spring and Mali in the throes of a devastating three-sided civil war. As for Armenia, allow the editors of EFNB to be the first to reach out with the olive branch of peace and a hearty բարի օր.

A Heartfelt Thank-You
We have a lot of fun here at EFNB, but the editors would be remiss if they didn’t thank every viewer from every country, even the spambots who are our most reliable clickers, for supporting the site over 5 years, 1,828 posts, and 0.545404814 comments per post. You are the reason we started, the reason we continue, and the reason we reject the advice of physicians, lawyers, and psychologists to cease and desist at once.

Here’s to another 5 years and 3656 posts!

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