“And I’d like to remind you that this is all brought to you by the Macroware Zoom!,” cried Blake. “Live the share!”
The assembled crowd–mostly girls–roared, and the MC doused them with water as music blared.
Satisfied, Blake walked backstage on the converted semi-trailer that unfolded into the Zoom Share Tour 2013. He found Mitch, the salesperson in charge, smoking a cigarette and looking over information on a tablet.
“You hear them out there?” Blake said with his marketer’s grin–it was hard to turn it off. “They love it.”
“They love the free swag and the music and the impromptu wet t-shirt contest,” Mitch grumbled back.
“And you’re going to tell me that’s not going to translate into enthusiasm for Macroware Zoom and Portal OS phones in general?” said Blake.
“Mark my words, kid,” said Mitch. “When this tour’s over, you and I are both going to get our walking papers no matter how much those party-hungry kids slut it up out there.”
“What?”
Mitch took off his glasses and laid them on the fake carton of Macroware Zooms serving him as a desk. “Beyond the fact that we’re peddling what’s basically a stripped down iPhone or Android years after the real things came in and ate our lunch? Above the fact that there’s a $50-a-month data plan in the fine print for stuff that other phones are doing for free?”
“Even Disneyland had problems its first day,” Blake said. “It survived melting pavement sucking off celebrities’ shoes.”
“Be blind if you want, then,” Mitch said. “But I’m looking at the sales figures for the last month. We’ve sold 500.”
“Thousand?”
“Five hundred period.” Mitch said. “2-3 per store, tops. Macroware’s sunk over a billion dollars in the project, and if every single oversexed sorority girl out there grabbing our free merch and running bought a Zoom, it would almost double our total sales.”
Excerpts From Nonexistent Books 