Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Administrator Naqebtran steepled their fingers, seventeen in total, and looked across the desk at O’Rourke. The colonial officials called it the ‘selfie stare’ because Naqebtran usually appeared to be doing a ‘duck face’ with their rather large lips. Erhv-Skire like Naqebtran had the lips for an entirely different purpose, for covering the baleen-like plates that they used to filter airborne plankton. But O’Rourke couldn’t help but anthropomotphize Naqebtran, especially given the incongruous look that those lush lips gave when surrounded by bristly hair-like projections.

“I want you to tell me what, exactly, happened in the mines, Mr. O’Rourke,” Naqebtran said, in the reedy voice common to Erhv-Skire. Some of them used a synthetic resonator when dealing with humans, believing that a deeper voice would lend them more respect. Naqebtran had, in their first address as administrator, denounced this, insisting that the miners listen to the message and not how it was delivered.

This left O’Rourke in the unenviable position of attempting not to laugh at the administrator’s appearance while answering questions about the accidents–murders?–which Naqebtran was clearly taking very seriously.

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The artificial docent handed a thick, smooth sheet to Cvkia. “This is a list of rules that you agree to abide by in consulting Sage Goroy Sadak.”

Cvkia glanced over it, reading quickly as her eyes darted back and forth. “I’m not allowed to look him in the eyes?”

“Sage Goroy Sadak’s eyes have been known to distract supplicants. I assure you that they are extremely useful on his homeworld, but to those who have never seen them, they can be…deep-set and unnerving.”

“Well, I wouldn’t want to freeze up,” Cvkia said. “Does that happen often?”

“Humans tend to. Others, it varies. For obvious reasons, Xinoi are completely unaffected, but then, they can’t even read the card, can they?”

Continuing to read the card, Cvkia flipped it over. “Try not to exhale?” she said.

“Sage Goroy Sadak’s physiology finds CO2 mildly toxic,” the docent said. “We recirculate his atmosphere with the CO2 scrubbed, of course, but if you get excited, exhale too much, it could be problematic. You will be removed if this happens.”

“Fine, fine. I will look at the floor and hold my breath as best I can.” Cvkia handed the card back to the docent.

Its servos whirred in an approximation of annoyance. “You will be removed of your failure to comply reaches a dangerous level.”

“Very well.” Cvkia was shown through into Sage Goroy Sadak’s chambers, passing through a decontamination grid, a full scrubber, and a body-penetrating scanner. Finally, she was shown to a hard plastic chair facing a translucent wall. Shadows flitted about on its other side, sometimes corresponding to strange noises but more often not. Every few moments, the overhead CO2 scrubbers would kick on, causing a burst of harsh ozone smell and lifting strands of Cvkia’s hair skyward.

When the translucence finally shuddered, lifted, vanished, a small pod was extended outward, connected to the wall by snaking cables and radiation-hardened hoses. Perched atop the pod was a curious creature–Sage Goroy Sadak himself. He was the size of a small child, but with a brilliantly silvery-blue coloration. His mouth seemed twisted in a permanent grin, and his eyes were two flat black orbs that occasionally had silvery bursts of luminescence flicker across them.

“A child?” Cvkia said.

“Aren’t we all?” Sage Goroy Sadak’s voice came not from his mouth but rather a speaker set below and between his dangling and vaguely sausage-like legs. “But I assure you, it is simply a coincidence of convergent evolution. I am well-suited to my homeworld’s gravity and climate.”

Cvkia had been attempting to hold her breath when not absolutely necessary, and was beginning to feel lightheaded. “I see,” she said, in a bit of a wheeze. “And all the secrecy, all the security?”

“Necessary as a precaution only, and often enforced perhaps too strictly by those who are as jealous of my gifts as I am free with them.” Goroy Sadak raised a hand. “Please, breathe normally. It will not matter if our conversation is brief.”

With a gasp, Cvkia gulped in cold, ozone-tinged air. “Why do you let them do this?” she said. “Lock you away, when you would dispense your gifts freely?”

A sound out of the speaker that might have been a chuckle, or an attempt at one. “Even among my people, I am quite gifted. But I am, and have always been, a complete pacifist. I am also, if I may say so, something of a hedonist. I enjoy my creature comforts and find it very difficult to be roused to vengeance. If it suits the Confederation to keep me here, in comfort, who am I to stop them? Information, like entropy, will out. Now, what have you come to ask me, Ms. Cvkia Nebojsa?”

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“I’m looking for Ajixa, the Dark Blade of the Lutil.”

The Lutil approached. Its silicon scales glistened beneath its transparent environment suit, while the ammonia-rich atmosphere within manifested as billowing clouds of jaundiced vapor. Its words came across inaudibly, muffled by both the suit and the atmospheric pressure, but it had a good, military-grade translator. “That one is known to us, though not by that name,” it said. “That you would ask for them as such shows a profound ignorance. Tell me, what do you know of the one that you call Ajixa, and what do you know of this appellation, ‘the Dark Blade of the Lutil,’ that insults them on alien lips.”

“Well, Ajixa was head of the Lutil colony on-”

“We know the encyclopedia entry,” said the Lutil. “Tell me in your own, alien, words.”

“Ajixa assassinated the previous colony leader after maneuvering all their allies out of power, so no one would protest. The first order of business was to invite the human GesteCo Corporation to exploit the place. Ajixa not only encouraged GesteCo to spy on its workers and assassinate troublemakers, but actively encouraged it, even participating personally. Due to the place being under Lutil jurisdiction, Ajixa increased the output of crystalline glucose by 10%, the mines spat out deuterium at double their previous efficiency, and the colony was twice as profitable. And in exchange, 50% of the GesteCo workforce, mostly human like me, died.”

The Lutil nodded. “We prefer to say that Ajixa trusted the welfare of the humans to their own kind, and was disappointed but not surprised at what they did, turning a struggling colony into a profitable one at the cost of many lives. Ajixa did what was necessary, and those who might have counseled caution instead were encouraging.” It paused. “Because of that, Ajixa’s fearsome reputation is only matched by a fearsome bounty from human survivors and a GesteCo anxious to clean its hands fo the mess.”

“You are Ajixa, are you not? I think it is time to drop the pretense.”

A deep bow from the Lutil. “At your service. Tell me why you have sought me out, and the I will tell you whether you will get it, leave empty-handed, or die.”

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“Now, you understand that the people I come from, the Hixzhlk, are a quasi-hive-mind. We constantly broadcast our thoughts and feelings via subtle pheromones, and tend toward group consensus. By leaving them, by stepping away from the hives, I am certifiably insane by the standards of the Hixzhlk. But I believe strongly in the ordered society that my people promote, so much so that I am willing to bring them to you, even crippled as you are the lack of pheromone receptors.”

“So, as your administrator, I will ask only that you work ably, harmoniously, and well. Some in my previous posts have called me a cruel taskmaster, a heartless bug who won’t be happy until the workers beneath me are assimilated into my hive mind. This could not be further from the truth. If I seem cruel, it is because I am acting for the greater good. My door is always open if you need an explanation, and I expect and encourage the questioning of my decisions. But unless and until I say otherwise, they will be carried out efficiently and with alacrity.”

“Also know that I greatly value harmony as a Hixzhlk. There will be no discourtesy, no bullying, no fighting. You will be civil to one another. Beyond that, and beyond the fulfillment of your duties during working hours, your time is yours. Just make sure that you do nothing that will diminish productivity, incite disharmony, or embarrass me.”

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Thank you for inviting me to speak. I think you’ll find that my years of experience in terraforming planets to be habitable for my people, the Chug, will transfer very nicely to the Earth Republic.

First, we will need to alter the atmosphere with the introduction of carbon dioxide. This will thicken it to the necessary atmospheric pressure. We are aiming for something in the area of 100 megapascals, of course, but we can settle for as little as .5 to .75 megapascals to start with. I recommend a series of phased fusion reactors in the 40 gigawatt range and can recommend a good contractor to build them. I’ve had good luck with GesteCo, for instance.

Once the atmosphere is thick enough, we move into the second phase: the creation of a runaway greenhouse effect. Carbon dioxide is sufficient for this, of course, but we want to make sure that the ingredients for life are still present. To that end, I usually switch about half of the phased fusion reactors to sulfur dioxide and water, in a propriety ratio I’ve developed that I think you’ll find very effective.

The end result is a planet that is completely suitable for life in as little as 5-10 years. I recommend introduction of my specially crafted bio-nanites partway through the process, but again, that is a proprietary technique. I hope you don’t mind me keeping a few secrets.

Eh? What’s that? Those temperatures and pressures aren’t conducive to Earth life? Goodness me, I had no idea you were so fragile. Even worse than the denizens of Nylar IV!

Well, ah, I think you’ll find that the atmospheric pressure and temperature about 50 kilometers up will be perfect for your species. And you say you breathe an oxygen/nitrogen mix? Better still! That’s a lifting gas on a standard planet such as this. You might even be able to rent the surface to a Galactic Common race like the Silanes or even the Polysilanols, if you can get them to behave themselves.

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“No,” Luis whispered.

Darius’s footage was nothing but static. Something had corrupted the video files entirely.

Candice moaned from where she lay. Her skin was thick with sweat, and more open sores dotted her body. Whatever had killed Darius was about to do the same to her, and Luis could feel it happening to him as well.

It had all been for nothing.

Luis was losing control of his body, and he stumbled backwards over the wheelbarrow of plunder that had lain there, forgotten, since they had confronted the looters.

It tipped, spilled, scattered. And amid the copper wire and steel trays, Luis could see a familiar glow in the darkness, eerie and blue. He reached out a trembling hand and turned the capsule over.

WARNING RADIATION SOURCE Contains radioactive cesium-137 chloride salt. DO NOT HANDLE.

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“You’re seeing this, right?” Darius said. “Tell me you’re seeing this.”

It was right there on the camera, through increasing static and interference. Glowing footprints on the floor. A figure, shambling and alight against the darkness.

“It’s more than we ever could have hoped for,” Candice whispered.

“Get everything together,” Luis said. “We’re getting this footage. The hell with getting a Netflix greenlight, this is Academy Award stuff.”

“Hang on,” Darius said. “I recognize them.”

“Wait, really?” Luis said. “Someone…someone you knew when they were alive?”

“It’s one of the looters that we chased off the other day.”

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“What do you think they meant,” Candice said. “About the glowing figures. Ghosts?”

“Judging from the open sores everyplace, I’d say the ghosts of crystal meth past,” replied Darius. “They were stripping the place for parts. See? Copper wire, electronics, and stuff I don’t even recognize.” He tapped a rather large cylinder in the center of the wheelbarrow, one that had been partially smashed open by the looters. “I don’t know what this is, but I bet it’s worth a hit.”

“Yeah,” said Luis. With the air of an old hand, he stuck his pistol back in his waistband. “Raving drug-addicted lunatics is not the kind of paranormal we came here to document. Darius, did you get any of that?”

“I got the whole thing,” said Darius, proudly. “Them wigging out, you pulling the gun, everything.”

“Good. Delete it all. We’re not getting a Netflix greenlight with that kind of footage.”

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“I’m getting interference,” Candice said. “Here, take a look.”

She pulled Luis over to her computer screen, where the instruments were reading. Both the microphone, the infrared camera, and the low-frequency microphone were picking up intense interference.

“That’s a result,” said Luis. “That’s a result right there.”

“Not only that,” said Candice. “It’s directional. See?”

She picked up her microphone and moved it in an arc. The static spiked when she held it down and to the left, pointing at a location that roughly corresponded to the hospital’s newest wing.

Darius already had his portable camera. “All right,” he said “Let’s go.”

“Let me just get some things.” Luis grabbed his forged documentation from the gurney and, dipping into his bag, retrieved a small .380 pistol.

“Is that really necessary?” Darius said.

“We’re not the only people that could have figured out this place would be abandoned,” said Luis. “People have broken into these places to steal copper wire and stuff. I have a permit, but if it comes to it…I’d rather have it and not need it.”

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“Look at this,” said Luis, laying his hand on the walk-in freezer. “This is the hospital morgue freezer. If any part of this building is haunted, this is it. Just imagine…everyone who died here over fifty years spent time in this freezer. All those deaths, all that turmoil, all that negative psychic energy…it’s like a precipitate. Like a chemical reaction. You saturate the area with enough of the stuff, and it will eventually start to fall out.”

“You want to wait until after I get the cameras set up to start making your speeches, hmm?” said Darius.

“You know me better than that,” said Luis with a sharp-edged grin. “I can speechify at a moment’s notice. That, along with your camera and Candice’s instruments, is what’s going to get our series picked up.”

“It looks like the walk-in freezer they had at Arby’s,” said Candice, idly latching and unlatching the giant freezer door. “No drawers or anything.”

“I guess they’d only keep people here for a little while,” Luis said. “No point spending money on drawers you’re not going to use. Darius?”

“We’re all set here,” said Darius. “The cameras will capture anything unusual. We can come back and film some segments tomorrow, once we get everything else set up.”

“The equipment’s ready too,” Candice said. “But are you sure we’re not going to be bothered? Or arrested?”

“Here, you can read it yourself if you like,” Luis said. He handed a creased and sweaty piece of paper to Candice. “A court order prohibiting anyone not involved in demolition work from being on the premises. Seems this place owed a lot of people a lot of money. Demolition doesn’t start for a week, and I’ve got paperwork here showing that I’m a duly sworn officer of the court doing advanced scouting.”

“Fake?” Darius said.

“Hell yeah,” laughed Luis. “But if it means that, for the next week we can live here while we film our pilot, I’ll forge a letter from the goddamn President.”

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