Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

The shutter clicked merrily at the tiny, pear-shaped bird perched on the feeder. “I’m so glad Joker has started coming regularly.”

“Joker?”

“I named her after her song, which sounds kind of like laughing.”

Another bird, this one grey above and brown-streaked yellow underneath, fluttered up. “Get out of here, Warby! You better not scare Joker!”

Irrespective of the scolding, the bird perched on the nearby set and began to eat.

“You do know that Warby is a Kirtland’s warbler, right? One of the rarest birds in the world and one that never, ever comes to feeders? Why are you trying to shoo it away in favor of a common red-breasted nuthatch?”

“Oh, Warby comes five times a day, but Joker’s new.”

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I think the postman meant to tell me “sorry for your wait.” It had been an uncomfortable 15 minutes in masks, behind a short but needy line of grandmothers looking for a professional packaging service, sorority girls looking for Cancun passports, and coughing unmasked assholes looking for lost mail.

At the same time, as what was probably the last substantive line in that office before the weekend, he clearly meant to say “have a nice weekend.” Another kind, if automatic, sentiment from behind the tall pressboard desk.

It came out, though, as “Sorry for your nice weekend.”

I briefly considered responding with “Thanks, you too!” just to compound the absurdity. But, trying to be more considerate than the people in front of me had been, I simply said “Thanks!”

For the rest of the drive home, though, I was attempting to mash together automatic pleasantries into something fun and chaotic.

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-Teacher is Virgo and Mercury is in retrograde.

-Saw ex in attendance. Did not sign up for drama class.

-Registered while drunk; seems less fun sober.

-Books too expensive. Fact that books are online and open-source irrelevant.

-Transferring to other school with more lax three-strikes policy.

-Passing grade in prerequisite class achieved by plagiarism, but new teacher seems sharper.

-Changing majors to accountancy; will trade soul for money instead of money for soul.

-Teacher clearly has it out for student after asking them repeatedly to put on shirt.

-Dad has decided lack of MBA no longer impediment to inheriting dealership.

-Hit by university bus; generous settlement means degree now unnecessary.

-Dropping out to become cosmetologist; was being serious about “wanting to curl up and dye.”

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“Imagine a plant that was perfectly adapted for its environment, and then the environment changed, isolating it to a tiny area. But the world outside has moved on, and if it could ever get outside that microclimate again, it’d…”

“…take over the world?”

“Hardtley’s book is the only place that we know of where he wrote about it. That’s why he’s dead, and that’s why we need to destroy that copy of his book.”

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Thank you for your purchase of the Holiday Time Megaphone! The following FAQ is provided for your convenience:

Q: Do I have to use the Holiday Time Megaphone for holiday-related purposes?
A: No, the Holiday Time Megaphone will function as a normal megaphone at any time of the year.

Q: What should I use the Holiday Time Megaphone for?
A: You can use it to announce gifts, communicate with relatives, or ring in the new year!

Q: Are there any built-in festive songs or sound effects in the Holiday Time Megaphone?
A: No, the Holiday Time Megaphone features only three modes: Amplify, Alarm, and Off.

Q: What makes the Holiday Time Megaphone a holiday item if it does not include any holiday-related uses or features?
A: Its bright red color and its packaging, of course!

Q: If the packaging is removed, wouldn’t it look like any other megaphone?
A: All right, maybe the Holiday Time Megaphone is simply a way for Hainan Microelectronics Limited to move a few more megaphones in the red colorway. But can you blame us? Americans will buy anything in December as long as it’s red. And they call uscommunists.

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1. Drive carefully, as some patches may be slick and dangerous. While the increasing prevalence of snowy or icy weather in this region might make you think the city should invest in plows or de-icing equipment, this is not the case. Plows are expensive, after all, and the Ward 3 alderman is a climate denialist. In lieu of any organized solution to the problem, we are asking citizens to voluntarily salt the patch of road or highway immediately adjacent to their home at their own expense.

2. In the event of an extreme, unprecedented, or once-in-a-century storm, city trucks may scatter sand or grit on the roads at public expense. This is a cheaper option than salt, at the expense of being completely ineffective for everyone other than the gravel pit foreman, who is the Ward 2 alderman’s brother.

3. Dangerous roads are no excuse for missing work. The city is open for business! Essential workers assume the entire risk for any injuries or damage sustained on the way to work, or any termination/docked pay as a result of staying home. Mandatory business closings are Orwellian government overreach, but the city will at times issue a non-binding advisory statement encouraging absentee business owners to shut down for the day on their own initiative.

4. Procurement of food and supplies before and during a weather event is the responsibility of individual citizens. The city officially recommends a panic-buying spree starting 12 hours before said event, preferably at Linson’s, which is owned by the Ward 4 alderman.

5. The city reminds all citizens that heat and electricity are privileges, not rights. In the event of a widespread power or gas outage, lack of citizen planning does not constitute an emergency on the city’s part. Generators and gasoline are, after all, widely available for around $1000 for an entry-level model.

6. In the event of a particularly picturesque snowfall, the city retains exclusive rights to photographs of city property. This includes, but is not limited to, buildings, trees, roads, non-domestic birds and mammals. Use of any photograph which includes city property for any reason, public or private, will incur a licensing fee. The fee structure may be found on the city website, and the city has partnered with Invasoid Content Match LLC to use procedural AI to locate and fine individuals avoiding the fees.

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“Your website said there were supposed to be Meyer lemons,” the customer whined. “What good is the farmer’s market website if it’s not right?”

“Sir, I’m sorry about the lemons. We have some Eureka lemons if you like.”

The man pounded the counter. “I don’t want Eureka lemons, I want an accurate farmer’s market website so I don’t drive out here for nothing!”

“I’m sorry, but our webmaster is also our cashier and also me,” the employee said. “We try to keep things accurate but it’s not always possible.”

“When are the next Meyer lemons coming in, then? I need them for a pre-jail Martha Stewart recipe.”

“I don’t know,” the employee said. “We get them from a guy out on 6. He sells us a basket when he has one to sell.”

The man stormed out, still grousing about Meyer lemons and the indignities of small-business online infrastructure, to be replaced by the next man in line.

“I saw you had Meyer lemons on your website,” he said. “Are they any good?”

“I’m sorry,” the employee said. “We’re fresh out.”

The man nodded, smiling. The transmission had been correct, then. Project Pucker had begun.

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“Look at this guy,” Drew said, gesturing at the car blocking the parking lot entrance. “He is alone, in an expensive car–they don’t just give VWs away anymore–and he is just sitting there, oblivious, lighting his cigarette with a candle lighter. While blocking traffic.”

“Idiots exist,” replied Lex. “They’re not cryptids.”

“But this guy is a whole ecosystem of idiocy. First, you see he doesn’t care about anyone but himself by how he parks his car. Then you see he doesn’t even care about himself, given the smoking in the car and not even using a proper lighter for it. And yet he is blessed with a luxury car while I’m behind the whee of something old enough to vote for the car president.”

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“Surely you know by now,” Margrave said. “Surely you’ve been listening. When the final ley lines are broken, the final iteration of this town will disappear. The multiverse abhors a vacuum; whomever breaks that last line will be able to create a new Deerton, for every world, perfect in every detail.”

“What if it doesn’t work?” Ruby said, darkly, head lowered.

“It’s been done before,” replied Margrave, airily.

“You’ve seen it?”

A flicker of…something…flitted across Margrave’s face. “No.”

“What if all you’re building is a black hole instead of your perfect world?” Ruby said. “What if it’s all for nothing?”

“My dear, nothing is preferable to this miserable burg as it is. I will remake an eternal, shining, perfect Deerton. But if I do not, I will at least have the consolation of having erased it from existence.”

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“Yes, it’s very important to me,” Tyree said, gesturing to the various crosses painted across the small vehicle, on the edges of its collar panels. “The car gets its power from the sun, and I get my power from the Son.”

“You built it yourself?” Doyle said, craning his neck to see if there was a charge port that would accommodate any of his devices.

“Oh yes, I used to be an engineer before I hear the call to witness,” said Tyree. “Professional grade solar cells on a tube steel frame with an integral trailer. It won’t protect me in a crash–I have the Holy Spirit for that!–but it will run for a hundred miles straight on a cloudy day before it needs a charge.”

“I have to admit, it’s a terrific idea to play on the similarity there of sun/Son,” Doyle said, hoping to butter Tyree up enough to ask about charging from the vehicle.

“It’s no mere wordplay,” Tyree said. “You see, that’s part of what I’m witnessing for. The sun and the Son are one and the same, you see!”

“That sun?” Doyle said, pointing at the fiery fusioning orb overhead. “You’re saying that’s the literal Son of God up there?

“Four hundred passages in the Bible support it, and none contradict it,” Tyree said, grinning. “The way the truth, and the light indeed!”

Suddenly the need for emergency power seemed somewhat less urgent than establishing a safe distance, at least to Doyle. Tyree, thrilled to have a listener, had already launched into the next phase of his solar screed.”

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