Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Madison R’Svask

Dear Warmaiden Madison R’Svask:
My parents live apart and there is always a huge amount of awkwardness and tension when the two sides of the family have to be together. What do you recommend?
-Melody Dallas, Houston 2 Colony, The Globular Cluster, 16590-7840

Dear Melody:
Great question! This is an area where I have a lot of expertise. As you might know if you’re a longtime reader, my dad is Prime Warlord Zadias R’Svask of the gyu’Vatna, ruling warrior caste of the glorious Vatna Hegemony. My mom, on the other hand, is a fashion vlogger and freelance skincare consultant for Star Confederation Monthly. So I know a thing or two about family tensions!

The key here is to be true to yourself and try to bridge the gap, but not so much that either side walks all over you. For instance, a few months ago my arch-rival Xenia Zzazzsk posted a really hurtful parody ClipClop, where she used advanced AI to make it look like I was doing a silly dance in last year’s fall fashions! Now this was during my birthday week, so both my mom’s family and friends and my dad’s contingent of the First Battlefleet were present, and let me tell you, they did NOT agree on how I should respond!

Mom said that I should let it roll off my back and not bother me, while my stepdad said that I should go further and laugh it off as a joke. Dad said that a besmirchment of my honor on that public of a platform (Xenia Zzazzsk has 28.2 billion sapients following her on ClipClop) meant that we had to declare BloodWar at once. If you don’t know Vatna culture, or if the only Vatna you experience is a Kragh Fleet slurpy-meal, declaring a BloodWar means that the aggreived party will not rest until they recieve an apology or they pulll out an enemy’s still-beating ql’tach and show it to them.

Now I know from experience that getting an apology from Xenia Zzazzsk is like fitting into a size -1 dress or slavemelding with a wild flu’Qog. But even though, as a Warmaiden, I could easily pierce Xenia’s semi-chitinous hide with one hand tied behind my back, I didn’t want to visit the annihilation of a BloodWar upon her followers, some of whom might not have even known about her ClipClop before it was posted.

So I balanced the two sides and made a ClipClop of my own, iin which an AI made Xenia do a Fulvan Hive Apology Scuttle. Neither Mom nor Dad was super happy, but I was true to both sides of my heritage. And when Dad suggested we use an alpha braiworm to make Xenia do the scuttle for real, I turned him down. In the end, only three people died: two of Xenia’s social media managers, and one of Dad’s fleet commanders who ritually bloodlet them, and himself, as atonement.

Stay tuned next week when I live vlog from the Star Confederation Monthly runway about which gowns are hot, which are not, and which are ready for battle in the harsh vacuum of space. Hearts and stars, glory and honor everyone!

-Warmaiden Madison R’Svask

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Welcome to Stabd, the killer app for serial murderers! This FAQ was put together by Stabd Labs LLC GmbH, a limited liability company operating out of Liberia, to answer questions that new users may have.

Q: Why do I need Stabd? I can commit serial crime on my own.

A: Stabd features a variety of tools to make your spree both enjoyable and successful, both in stalking victims to evading the authorities. And with our patented “Killzone” technology, you never have to worry about interfering with another killer!

Q: How does the cooldown timer work?

A: The cooldown timer uses an algorithm based on your questionnaire answers and public data to determie when it is safe to slay again. It takes all the guesswork out of the process with cutting-edge information science.

Q: How does the victim tracker work?

A: Using public geolocating data, information scraped from dating and social media apps, and a few trademark secrets, the victim tracker allows you to not only identify psychologically appropriate marks, but also allows you to strike from the shadows with maximum surprise.

Q: What if I want to team up with another killer?

A: In your advanced settings, you can opt-in to “Partner Mode.” This will allow you to match with other killers matching your methods! There are two settings: “Complimentary” and “Coordinated.” The former matches killers who prefer different types of victims but similar methods, and the latter matches killers who prefer similar victims but different methods.

Q: What if I want to join with someone that prefers similar victims and similar methods?

A: Don’t. Statistically speaking, they will either kill, betray, or steal from you-possibly all three in one order or another.

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Thank you for your interest in RYL3H, the new eldritch streaming service for those who dare to stare deeply into the darkness beyond! RYL3H has always been and will always be a no subscription service; all our content simply offered free with mads.

In addition to fan-favorite legacy content, ranging from “The King in Yellow” (1934) to “National Geographic’s Expedition: Mountains of Madness” (2019), RYL3H is pleased to offer a slate of original programs starting this fall!

Dead, Dreaming, and Loving it
From the twisted minds behind the smash hit Broadway musical version of “Call of Cthulhu” comes this twisted comedy that will make you lose your mind!

Survivor Kadath
From the award-winning crew of the original Survivor comes this new installment, set in the Dreamlands. Watch two tribes, the Nightgaunts and the Zoogs, engage in a series of dream-quests that will take them beyond the realm of sanity!

Nyarlathotep Uncensored
The Crawling Chaos himself offers politically incorrect hot takes on current events with a who’s who of guest stars! Look for the first episode, in which Nyarlathotep and special guest Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young, debate critical race theory.

Pittman’s Next Top Model
Join the ranks of the haute couture as a progression of horrors from beyond the veil of sanity compete to see if they have what it takes to be immportalized in forbidden statuary!

The Thing in the Dubstep
Join host Asenath Waite for a singing contest that will possess your very soul! One of the contestants is but a husk possessed by the spirit of old Ephraim – can YOU guess which one before the final curtain?

Wheel of Necronomicon
The action is fast and frantic as contestants race to buy infernal runes to complete the ritual that will begin Dread Lord Cthulhu’s second reign over this earth!

The Dunwich Hunt
An invisible horror, half human and half eldritch abomination, is loose! Teams compete to track and subdue them before the clock ticks down and Yog-Sothoth returns for its wayward kin!

The Jerry Innsmouth Show
Join Jerry Innsmouth, talk show host and high priest of almighty Dagon, as he unpacks family drama with interviews and cutting-edge DNA tests. Are the guests raising their own children, or were they fathered by icthyoid horrors from the realms beneath? Tune in to find out!

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For this study, investigators utilized a mix of qualitative, quantitative, and quantum methods as outlined in Hodgkin et al. (2021). Qualitative data collection included survey instruments adapted from Sun et al. (2017) and administered to both teachers and students in the study group.

Quantitative data was also collected from participants using a mix of Liekert-type questionnaires (Johnson & Johnston, 2007), and demographic data from the school’s integrated data management system.

For collection of quantum data, the investigators followed Hodgkin et al. (2021) in using the Pittman method, first described in a theoretical sense in 2010. This involved a combination of superconductor time at the Argonne national laboratory, as per Al-Muqani (2011), as well as quantum lattice crystallography at the High-Energy Physics lab at Los Alamos (see De La Riva, 2009 for a bibliography of methods and research best practices). For the second round of interviews, randomly selected participants were bombarded with high-energy neutrinos at the Caltech Physics laboratory classroom, following a protocol developed by Subharto & McGreely (2019).

As a result of this mixed-methods approach, the investigators collected data on student/teacher impressions, demography, and their fates across all possible universes for logitudinal comparison.

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MidSouth ZooPark LLC strives to improve for both our guests and our sponsors, both corporate and nation-state. As such, the following changes will be coming for the 2023-2024 fiscal year:

-More big cats! The ZooPark is doubling its order of lions, tigers, and bearcats. Oh my! To compensate for these larger exhibits, the herpetology house will be closed and demolished.

-Alternative medicine inbound! We recognize that many ZooPark patrons subscribe to the traditional alternative medicine practices first recorded by Li Shizen in 1593. As such, starting in fall 2023, animal products will be available for purchase at the new Materia Medica Pharmacy! Only items that fall off of our animals naturally in the course of grooming, or taken from the bodies of deceased exhibits, will be included, of course.

-As part of MidSouth ZooPark LLC’s commitment to fighting climate change, the polar bear and Northern Lights exhibits will be expanded beginning in 2024. To prevent the introduction of dangerous refrigerant hydrofluorocarbons into the environment, the new exhibits will be air-conditioning-free!

-Due to a generous grant from the Genesis Project, and in keeping with the newly-passed State Code § 222-50 (“Regarding the Display of Truth”), a new Creation Interpretation Center will take the place of the antelope roundhouse starting in 2023. The CIC will present a Biblically-sourced, family-friendly narrative, allowing ZooPark patrons to make their own informed decisions. As part of this process, all placards mentioning the unproven theory of “evolution” will be moved to the new Inferno Station, also generously funded by the Genesis Project.

-Finally, as a result of the new revisions to the State Code § 222-55, MidSouth ZooPark LLC asks patrons to report any instances of behavior among the animals that are in violation of statute. These include, but are not limited to:
•Promotion of homosexuality by zoo animals.
•Animals presenting or displaying as a member of the opposite, and only other, sex.
•Animals participating in strenuous athletic activity not within the limits of gender assigned at birth.
•Animals engaging in sexual activity or promiscuity outside the bonds of holy matrimony (refer to the ZooPark guide for a list of legally married animals).
•Any other behavior that might “influence or corrupt the youth” per §222-55.

We here at MidSouth ZooPark LLC know you will love these changes, and we look forward to seeing you again even as we hope you’ll pardon our dust!

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As required by the Public Disclosure Act 1997, MidSouth ZooPark LLC reports the following incidents for the week ending 3/12/2022:

-277 citations for violations of ZooPark rules on the blocking of paths and emergency exits with strollers or wagons.

-78 loose children apprehended and temporarily held in the Human Zoo until claimed by parents, guardians, or other authorities.

-84 house sparrows, 29 mallards, 15 mockingbirds, 11 grackles, 9 cowbirds, 4 cardinals, and a pileated woodpecker apprehended stealing food from other, rarer, animals. Offenders were released with a warning.

-58 cases of vandalism against ZooPark signage, particulatly in the Shinto Temple, the Duck Pond, and the snow leopards’ Spot Pass.

-42 altercations between ZooPark patrons requiring the intervention of security forces.

-39 instances of ZooPark patrons throwing food, coins, or other debris into animal enclosures. The fate of coins thrown into Bonobo Bush remains unclear.

-13 cases of ZooPark patrons entering animal enclosures, ranging from sleeping on Meerkat Mountain to mooning Otongo the silverback of Gorilla Grove.

-7 cases of public nudity, or conspiracy to commit public nudity, among ZooPark patrons.

-4 cases of outside snacks being smuggled in, resulting in lifetime bans.

-2 gatecrashers caught attempting to enter the zoo for free via the Timberwolf Trail.

-2 animals (Cheeky the flamingo and Reaper the lion) escaped their enclosure for more than 30 minutes.

-1 baby born on premises and named after exhibit. The ZooPark family welcomes young Bongo Elizabeth McDonohue with a free entry ticket to make up for her failure to acquire one at the main gate.

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We know that longtime zoo patrons are upset that Qin-Qin and Zhou Enlai were returned to China, but MidSouth ZooPark LLC is pleased to announce that their replacements will arrive soon! With both a male and a female inbound, can cubs be far behind?

Our new male panda is named Xianggang-Shuyu-Zhongguo, and he is four years old. He joins us from the Guangzhou Monochrome Bear Sanctuary, and is the son of Zha-Zha, a panda that once lived in the Brooklyn Zoo. His name means “Hong Kong Belongs to China,” isn’t that fun?

His mate will be Taiwan-Hui-Lunxian, a three-year-old from the Szechuan Multibear Refuge! This pioneering facility is dedicated to conserving rare pandas by selling the bile of common sun bears-a true model for sustainable husbandry going forward. We hope little miss Taiwan-Hui-Lungxian, or “Taiwan Will Fall” if you want to say it in English, will make a great addition to our zoo family!

And the fun doesn’t stop there! Thanks to a generous grant from the Office of the Premier of the People’s Republic, the existing Panda Pavilion is being renovated into a new Cultural Center! This grant will allow us to add a number of curated cultural exhibits in and among expanded habitats for many of the animals.

Look forward to the expanded crane and Asian bird enclosure within the new Spratly Islands exhibit, explaining China’s ironclad historical ties to those disputed islands. Our snow leopard enclosure will double in size as part of the new “China’s Tibet” exhibit. And finally, the salt water tank will be expanded and improved as part of the new Diaoyu Islands maritime exhibit, highlighting both the biodiversity of this species-rich hotspot and its illegal occupation by the fascist and reactionary government of Japan.

We hope to see you there!

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The Sword of Sorry, once unsheathed
Must first draw blood before it sleeps
You draw its glittering blade and then
Apologize over and over again
Say sorry when you are not at fault
Kowtow when anyone seems put out
Even when others are clearly to blame
Prostrate yourself with public shame
No one likes a haughty host
So draw the sword, apologize the most
Others may run roughshod over you
Regardless what you say or do
But if you apologize with a grin
You can deny them of the win
Talk is cheap, hot air most of all
With apology at your beck and call
They may not respect you here and now
And they may think they have you cowed
But social norms have taught you well
Bound you to an apologetic hell
So even if they come in late
Or abandon you to uncertain fate
Fall on the Sword of Sorry at your side
So all will know, at least you tried

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Exhibit A: A small tailfeather, perhaps three inches long. Dark grey with a white tip. Only two locals birds could produce such a feather, a slate morth dark-eyed junco or a downy woodpecker, and the feather is far too slight for the latter. Notably, it is far too early in the season for juncos to be molting, and as migratory snowbirds they would never molt in their wintering grounds.

Exhibit B: Two more tailfeathers of the same sort, mottled and wet. It has not rained, nor were they found in a particularly wet spot. This suggests an alternate form of moisture.

Exhibit C: Down feathers. Normally kept close to the chest, these insultating feathers protet against cold Canadian summers. Like the flight feathers, unlikely to be shed this time of year.

Exhibit D: Eyewitness accounts of the suspect, a male tabby, in the vicinity of a front porch frequented by dark-eyed juncos.

Exhibit E: Previous incidences of wildlife deaths in area, including but not limited to finches, siskins, shrews, moles,and grasshoppers.

Conclusion: The DA’s office recommends indictment of the tabby cat on charges of birdslaughter, conspiracy to commit birdslaughter, and littering.

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It was a day when the world seemed to be coming alive after a long and troubled slumber, when the trickles of melting snow were wending in rivulets through the streets.

It hadn’t been an easy start. Late, hard snow had withered flowers before they’d been able to bloom, and the yard was grey with sprouts that had come too early. But standing there, under the clear sky and in the warm sun, it was possible to believe that the worst was over, that no withering days lay ahead.

The cautious optimism of a late spring after an early thaw, something this warming world delivers all the more often. Even with all that is happening, the many storm clouds that linger in the mind even on a clear day, a portent of hope. Hope written in buds, trilled in birdsong, tracked on nimble feet through the woods that still remain.

The world was showing its aliveness on the day you died. And that is for the best.

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