Greetings and Introduction
Welcome! The editors here at Excerpts from Nonexistent Books are honored, nay, humbled that you have chosen to read from our humble site, and we are even more excited to kick off a weeklong celebration of 10 years’ literary blogging!
This blog was started in 2010 with a humble goal: to provide an outlet for the finest literature that did not, technically, exist (and as a daily, and accountable, writing blog besides!). At times it seemed like the project would not last the year, and EFNB was woefully behind at times, up to a month in some cases. But now, 3,652 entries later, it has all come together.
For this commemorative entry, the EFNB editors have gathered some comments from our nonexistent authors, posed questions to some of our longest-running nonexistent characters, and compiled some tantalizing statistics for nerds and nerkles. Finally, we have some exciting news in the form of a blast from the past! Stick around—if you’ve been with us for 10 years of this nonsense, you’re sure to enjoy what we’ve got in store.
Comments from Nonexistent Authors
“Ladies, gentlemen, and anything in between, it has been a pleasure and I hope it continues to be.”
–Mariana Brinson
“Has it really been ten years? It feels like five-and-a-half at most. Perhaps there’s a time warp thing involved, I dunno.”
–Altos Wexan
“Oh wow!!! CONGRATULATIONS! That’s wonderful!! Wooooooooow, 10 whole years. That’s an impressive milestone!”
–Amanda Elton
“How did you get this address? Get out of my office!”
–Phil “Stonewall” Pixa
“Nice! As someone who can’t finish nearly anything with an semblance of consistency I find it impressive.”
–Akima Wren
“今私は休暇中です。家に帰ってから連絡してください。”
–Nokin Kobeyashi
“It’s been an delight, since most sites think my writing is for the birds.”
–Sandra Cooke Jameson
“I’m honored to be part of EFNB, and I will live on forever through its fame and glory!”
–Blythe Hilson
Questions with Nonexistent Characters
Q: What is best in life?
A: To crush a difficult recipe, see it served before you, and to hear the happy belches of the customers.
-Takenaka Chihiro, the wandering Sengoku Jidai gourmet chef
Q: What do you like best about appearing in EFNB?
A: Since my author will probably never finish my novel or short stories, it’s the only way I can exist. I guess I’ll take it, since the alternative is staying cooped up in his head.
-Pamela Ellen “Peg” Gregory, minimum-wage space jockey
Q: What is a good quality in a nonexistent character?
A: Existence is illusory. We only give existence power through belief; with enough belief, even the most ridiculous thing can be said to exist and exert its will. The ideal thing is to be the hand or sword-arm of that thing–no one has to believe in you, but you may as well be all-powerful.
-Pierre Richat, enigmatic villain
Q: Who do you like in the 2020 EFNB blog draft?
A: I think we’ll see more low-effort bad poetry, more graphical elements stolen from old sheet music, and the occasional return of a character from the blog’s heyday. But look out for pass interference from bizarre ideas that the blog toys with extensively and then drops, and of course plenty of hasty entries filled in after the fact.
-Carl Drake, sportscaster for NBS Broadcasting
Q: Do you think any of the characters are authorial self-inserts?
A: No, I think the predominance of college-age men giving way to greying middle-aged salarymen in stories over the years is a coincidence.
-Eric Cummings, spoiled college student
Q: Which is superior, the realistic, sci-fi, or fantasy entries in the blog?
A: All genres are puny, and all the living authors vermin, destined to wither and fail before the unstoppable tides of entropy and cool animated skeletons. So, fantasy, I guess.
-Ulgathk the Ever-Living, Elder Lich of the Seven Lands
Q: Why do all the EFNB entries sometimes feel like they were all written by the same person?
A: Well, as Messr. Whitman once said, we are large. We contain multitudes. Each idea is like its own being, with its own life and death, even if it occupies the same skull as a thousand others. Perhaps we are all, ultimately, mere notions in a head so large and a mind so vast that we cannot even conceive of it.”
-Auguste Des Jardins, French filmmaker
Q:Who are you, really?
A:I am a servant of the power behind the Nothing, and an aspiring poet.
-Anonymous
Statistics for Nerds
Most Comments: 56, From “A Muse’s Unvarnished Perspective” by Altos Wexan
Most Popular Year: 2012, 4394 visitors
Total Pageviews (including spambots): 37,028
Total Visitors (including spambots): 17,867
Most popular day: Tuesday (18% of views)
Most popular hour: 10:00 PM (14% of views)
Average Excerpt Length: ~300 (299.8)
Wordiest year: 2013, with 130,377 words written and 357 words/excerpt average
Total comments 2010-2020: 1,061
Average comments per excerpt: .29
Total likes 2010-2020: 6605
Average likes per excerpt: 2
Countries outside the USA with more than 1000 views: Italy (1,724), India (1,721), UK (1,355), Canada (1,145)
Total words written 2010-2020: 1,010,628
Still to Come!
Tune in starting tomorrow for a week of entries that are sequels to the very first pieces of nonexistent fiction every featured on this site!
Excerpts From Nonexistent Books 