CAROLUS: And we are back here with our coverage of New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 214, coming to you live from the festivities at the Flavian Ampitheater just before the ball drops on 213.

THOMASIUS: That’s right, Carolus Magnus, and the party below is intense. The vomitoriums are at full capacity as the patrician class seeks to clear room in their stomachs for more decadent feasting, and the Rosa Colosseum Parade is moving through the ampitheater in review before our glorious patron, the Emperor Caracalla.

CAROLUS: This program is being recorded live on clay, papyrus, and slate (simulcast in Greek and Aramaic where available) for syndication on NBR, Networkum Broadcastum Romanum.

THOMASIUS: Yes, NBR subscribers can expect to hear this program in six to eight months–but remember, subscribers to our sponsor Harness High Speed Horsenet get their data at the blazing fast speed of six to eight weeks!

CAROLUS: HHSH: Moving at the Speed of a Flung Pilum™. Okay, we have only six turns of the water-clock until midnight and the beginning of 214. I see that the Marching Trojans Drum and Fife Band has taken the stage in front of the emperor and has begun their routine.

THOMASIUS: The Marching Trojans being from where again, Carolus Magnus?

CAROLUS: Why, Troy IX in Asia Minor, naturally. The parade programmers did take some care to keep them separate from the Marching Hoplites of the Sparta and Lacedaemonia Consolidated School District, you’ll note. And…what’s that? Yes, the emperor is giving a hand signal! Can you see what it is, Thomasius Felix?

THOMASIUS: It’s a thumbs down, Carolus Magnus. Yes, a thumbs down. The Marching Trojans have managed to upset the Emperor Caracalla with their song and dance number devoted to his brother Geta, slain on the emperor’s orders not long ago and currently being chipped out of all official monuments. They are being led away to scourging and execution on the Gemonian Stairs.

CAROLUS: To be fair, Thomasius Felix, I don’t think news of Geta’s death and damnatio memoriae had reached Troy by the time the Marching Trojans set out.

THOMASIUS: All the more reason to subscribe to Harness High Speed Horsenet, Carolus Magnus.

CAROLUS: Right you are, Thomasius Felix. It looks like the emperor is getting ready to throw the switch and drop the ball.

THOMASIUS: Our readers at home should know that the New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 214 ball is made out of authentic quartzite quarried in Cisalpine Gaul, clad in copper mirrors in an iron framework made by artisans in Hispania Citerior, and burning with two hundred oil torches from Aegyptus.

CAROLUS: Yes, and at the push of that lever, the ball will descend a greased pole onto a pile of Emperor Caracalla’s prostrate enemies, setting ablaze those who it doesn’t crush outright.

THOMASIUS: This is it! Count down with me!

CAROLUS & THOMASIUS: Decem, novem, octō, septem, sex, quinque, quattuor, tria, duo, unum! Felix sit annus novus!

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