Lotion was extremely important to the Galaxians’ plans, especially after their invasion of Mortimer VI was foiled by a combination of dry cracked hands and a space flu of unprecedented virulence that was spread mostly through handshakes. As the denizens of a wet and watery world, the Galaxians we’re particularly vulnerable to losing moisture and acquiring age lines and wrinkles.

The official supplier of lotion to the Galaxian Empire was Griebel Brothers of Aloe IV. Their patented secret formula, designed to the Galaxians’, exacting specifications, was standard issue for all Galaxian ships of cruiser size or larger. Occasionally, those who chose to resist Galaxian conquest targeted vital lotion reservoirs and lotion supply ships in an attempt to stymie the invaders.

This was of course unacceptable in the Galaxians’ strenuous program of universal conquest, which had to adhere to a strict timetable with intervals measured in galactic standard picoseconds. Hence the creation of the elite Galaxian Lotion Rangers.

Armed to the teeth with the latest Galaxian military hardware, and given access to special reserves of lotion, the Rangers served to protect the vital flow of lotion from Griebel Brothers’ massive orbiting Lotionarim to the cracked elbows of Galaxian invaders throughout the galaxy. They also served as an emergency lotion delivery vector in cases where Galaxian troops were cut off and in danger of nasty scaly skin.

In the 300 years since their creation, the Lotion Rangers were undefeated despite fighting over 3000 engagements. Until, that is, they met their match in the nefarious Rash Riders of Blistex XII.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!