Announcements


This week, Excerpts from Nonexistent Books published its 2000th excerpt. Over 5 years, we’ve been able to post a story every day (with occasional light cheating to fill in holes), and now we’re proud to say that there is now an EFNB excerpt for every year of human history since the birth of Christ.

The nonexistent editors, nonexistent staff, and nonexistent contributors here at EFNB would like to thank all of our readers and commenters for helping make this great literary experiment an ongoing success. Here’s to 2000 more stories that never existed!

Can it be? Has it really been five years since we here at Excerpts from Nonexistent Books set out on a wing and a prayer to fill the gaping need for imaginary literature on the internet? We certainly never anticipated our five-year growth from a niche blog read by nobody to a niche blog read by a couple of people. Last year, the editors brought you some statistics on EFNB throughout the years, and we’d like to do the same for you here today.

Bottom Posts
1826. From “Scandal at the 2013 PTA Book Sale” by Em Njcole Mayers
1827. From “The Gorilla Diamond World” by G. Marc Kanev
1828. From “Through the Gate of Gales and Rust” by Tara-Astrid Danae

The least-popular posts on EFNB, with only four views by spambots apiece, are an eclectic bunch: science fiction, humor, and dour alternate-world fantasy. Why are they so unpopular, so neglected, when imaginary tales by imaginary authors that are arguably worse get better hit counts and even some non-spambot hits? The editors’ best guess is that the bizarre spelling of Ms. Njcole Mayers’ last name put off some readers, as did her use of the acronym PTA (parent-teacher association) when many are switching to the more neutral PTO (parent-teacher organization). Gravity-based posts are never popular, as evinced by the failure of the editors’ previous blog Musings on Gravitational Lensing Effects. And Ms. Danae confirms that the limited appeal of her post, the least-popular on our site, may be attributed to the fact that her post was based on a half-remembered dream within a dream.

Bottom Search Terms
01. “memory in seed crystal”
02. “callistans and humans”
03. “the room in which the boys were fed, was a large stone hall esercizi”
04. “sarcastic excerpts from literature”
05. “ixium bones in the dog rear”

While it’s become increasingly difficult to see what search terms are leading netizens to EFNB due to Google becoming increasingly paranoid and secretive about its search terms, clutching them tightly to its chest and muttering about CIA transmissions in its teeth, we have access to come data and can therefore present the least-popular search terms bringing peeps to our doorstep. We’re glad hat at least one person into New Age crystal healing was brought to us and hope to attract more of such (the success of our forthcoming Shards From Nonexistent Crystals merchandise line demands it). It’s unfortunate that the strained relationship between the shapeshifting Callistans and humanity isn’t attracting more attention, though. Our editors are also devastated that, despite a strong push for sarcasm in all that we do, our achievements in such have as yet gone unrecognized. None of us have any idea why boys would be fed in a large stone Italian exercise hall, though we are in contact with the proper authorities to find out. And yes, we do realize that a query about the bones in a dog’s butt is a perfect candidate for our bottom position…so much so that an investigation is currently pending.

EFNB’s Least Popular International Locations

Flag of São Tomé and Príncipe

São Tomé

Flag of Armenia

Armenia

Flag of Mali

Mali

Flag of St. Vincent and the Grenadines

St. Vincent

Flag of Tunisia

Tunisia

While EFNB attracts hits from all over the world, these countries are the least interested in what the site has to offer, with only a single hit apiece in our five years in existence. São Tomé and Príncipe and St. Vincent and the Grenadines continue EFNB’s unfortunate tradition of being deeply unappealing to small island nations with unwieldy names, and the editors would like to take their opportunity to renew their commitment to such (as well as other underserved locations like Antigua and Barbuda, the Federated States of Micronesia, and St. Kitts and Nevis). Tunisia and Mali are both excused from participation in EFNB as their recent histories are filled with turmoil, with Tunisia as the maternity ward of the Arab Spring and Mali in the throes of a devastating three-sided civil war. As for Armenia, allow the editors of EFNB to be the first to reach out with the olive branch of peace and a hearty բարի օր.

A Heartfelt Thank-You
We have a lot of fun here at EFNB, but the editors would be remiss if they didn’t thank every viewer from every country, even the spambots who are our most reliable clickers, for supporting the site over 5 years, 1,828 posts, and 0.545404814 comments per post. You are the reason we started, the reason we continue, and the reason we reject the advice of physicians, lawyers, and psychologists to cease and desist at once.

Here’s to another 5 years and 3656 posts!

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It’s hard to believe, but once again an entire year has passed and EFNB is now celebrating its fourth blogiversary! That’s right, nearly 1500 daily doses of nonexistent literature have been spooned out over the lifetime of this blog. We’ve grown quite a bit, from being arguably the world’s best nonexistent book blog that nobody read to a juggernaut that reaches dozens, if not baker’s dozens, of readers worldwide.

To celebrate, the editors at EFNB have gone behind the scenes to gather some fun and thought-provoking statistics about the site to share with our loyal readers.

Top Posts
1. From “A Muse’s Unvarnished Perspective” by Altos Wexan
2. From “The Irksome Conspiracy” by Sipriano McCroskey
3. From “Why I Hate MMORPGs” by Andrew A. Sailer

Unsurprisingly, the top two posts on EFNB are the ones that attained WordPress’s coveted “Freshly Pressed” status, reaching an audience far above and beyond the usual one of subscribers and spammers. It’s also nice to see that imaginary author Andrew Sailer’s rant against MMORPGs, that cancer of the modern American video game landscape, has struck a chord with our readers as well. His later rant, “Why I Hate Reboots,” is only a little further down the list at #7, proving that rants against pervasive features of modern culture will always have a place here at EFNB.

Top Search Terms
01. southern michigan university
02. i hate mmorpgs
03. rebecca digiacinto
04. jean phillippe demon
05. i hate reboots

The top search term leading readers to EFNB is “Southern Michigan University,” that nonexistent bastion of higher learning. With a Northern Michigan University, a Western Michigan University, and an Eastern Michigan University actually in existence, it’s no wonder that EFNB writings on the nonexistent SMU are so highly ranked. Andrew Sailer’s anti-MMORPG and anti-reboot rants trended strongly as well, though the editors here at EFNB are mystified about why anyone would search for nonexistent author Rebecca Q. DiGiacinto or a demon named Jean Phillippe.

EFNB Internationally
01. United States
02. Canada
03. United Kingdom
04. India
05. Qatar

Visitors to EFNB come from all over the globe, and even though 99% of them are spambots, we wanted to feature them here. The first three are unsurprising, as EFNB and its editors are based in the USA and occasionally touch on subjects like curling and cricket that are of import to Canuck and UK readers. The latter two are the meat of our international audience, which is to say that they are likely spam farms.

A Shout-Out to Our Spammers
Since its inception, EFNB has had 56,972 spam comments blocked or manually trashed, an assault of internet garbage that works out to 37 spam comments per day over the blog’s existence! This staggering waste of resources and bandwidth hasn’t sold a single product, but it has increased EFNB’s internet profile and pagerank substantially! Thank you, spammers, for your continued waste of everyone’s time in a futile attempt to earn a few bucks.

In this, part two of our third blogiversary celebration, the editors at EFNB would like to recognize out long-term contributors who have continued to submit over the past year. While many of the “old guard” have had less productive years in terms of submissions, we have considerable pull with these imaginary authors, and requests for additional submissions by any of them will be honored. Whether the author in question likes it or not!

Mark Amiton
Bar to Ashes, The Most Permeable of the Permeable

Mark has continued to work on his magnum opus, a tale of a place where certain people can reshape reality with the power of their minds. “It’s kind of like Dubai, only with mental power instead of rapacious oil wealth as the driving force,” he says.

Eric Cummings Jr.
Dumpee, Dumper, and Dumpest, The Worrying of ECJ, The Paper Reel, The Bottom of the Night IM, A Conversation, To Delerue Hall, Pursuit by the Numbers

Beginning work in earnest on his autobiographical “college graduate student slacker novel” this year, Eric submitted most of his excerpts from “in the zone.” He confirms that as of this writing he is “out of the zone” but hoped to have a draft of his text finished by July.

Sonya G. Goldman-Haines
Slaying the Mondragon

After a long silence, Ms. Goldman-Haines has rejoined our ranks with a second tale from her forthcoming collection about a psychic gunsmith who ascertains the various and sundry stories behind the rare firearms that cross her desk.

Kenny Idlewild
Only Further Truth

Philosophy professor Dr. Kenneth Idlewild is not a prolific writer, but his second submission after a long drought is taken from his well-reviewed text The Philosophie of Being.

Sandra Cooke Jameson
The Birdsong Code, The Stephens Island Wren, The Counsel of Vultures

Expanding her repertoire of avian stories outside of her beloved sparrows, Ms. Jameson favored us with excerpts from her forthcoming book of short stories and novellas, Stories Borne on a Fair Wing. She has also added 27 birds to her life list in the past 18 months,

Bernard S. Roberts
Of the Vyaeh Conscripted Races, Of Vyaeh Counterfeits

“Most of what I’ve shared with you guys is from my private world building notes,” writes Roberts, “rather than any finished work. I’m still getting the foundations set for a lot of thing, and making sure to expunge all traces of their former life as video game design notes.”

Nokin Kobayashi and Irene York
The Mountain Shrine

Mr. Kobayashi and his paramour Ms. York have spent much of the past year on an extensive lecture tour, which has notable decreased his literary output and her translation efforts. Kobayashi’s self titled, self-translated “777 Magical Raccoon Cats” tour may soon be coming to a city near you.

C. Alton Parker
Gambler’s Prosperity, Eschatology of the Ide, The Prosperity Ambush, The Prosperity Spoonerism, The Prosperity Alarm Clock, The Prosperity Ride, The Prosperity Pueblo<

Ms. Parker has expressed to our editors that 2013 will be “the year” for her long-in-gestation epic Western. Her previous declarations that 2010, 2011, and 2012 were “the year” have been set aside for the time being.

Jordan Iverson Peers
The Halfling Tuesday, The Gorgon Evryali

Jordan Peers returns to the critically acclaimed “Weird Manhattan” universe that won a Pluto Award (now known as the Eris Award). These recent excerpts are from a short story detailing the life and misadventures of a wannabe hardboiled detective who also happens to be a hobbit.

Phil “Stonewall” Pixa
The Review Page

Phil Pixa has been writing for The Hopewell Review, a literary journal out of Southern Michigan University Press, of late. In addition to serving as under-editor, he has written reviews, criticism, and recycled a few of his more highbrow stories in its pages. The Hopewell Review is currently the most widely-read literary journal in Michigan, with well over 25 subscribers.

T. W. Reyauld
Taarin’s Tale

Still plugging away at his massive fantasy opus, Mr. Reyauld has also been serving as a consultant, uncredited polish writer, and fifteenth unit director for the acclaimed HMC series Rage of Tenmosh. Due to its unprecedented success, he has been making more getting coffee for the actors than in his acclaimed career as a fantasy writer.

P. Elizabeth Smalley
The Squirrel Lama

“Avatar of Aquerna” has long been one of EFNB’s most popular posts, so after much cajoling and pleading, Ms. Smalley deigned to provide another piece of writing relating to squirrels, though she declines to indicate whether it is connected or in continuity with her previous submission.

Jeanne Welch
Locke’s Revenent

“It’s been slow going on my story about love, social media, and modern life,” says Welch. “But I feel like I’ve turned a corner.” By the editors’ count, this marks the 37th corner Ms. Welch has turned. She is averaging approximately 12.3 corners turned per submission at this point.

Altos Wexan
Beneath Metromart #832, Mutt of Ice and Fire, Petting the Beyond, Across an Age, A Muse’s Unvarnished Perspective, A Poem for my Grandmother, Why I Don’t Celebrate Mardi Gras

As always, Mr. Wexan continues to dominate in terms of sheer number of submissions. His esoteric output has run toward the maudlin of late, largely a reflection of circumstances in his personal life. I think you’ll all be willing to join the editors of EFNB in wishing Mr. Wexan a very lucky 2013.

Well, it’s hard to believe, but today marks the third anniversary of Excerpts From Nonexistent Books, your blog source for quality selections from authors and texts that are resolutely imaginary. 1096 posts, 365 per year plus one leap day, which puts EFNB ironically in sync with the IRS this 2013 tax season. this has been the site’s best year yet; more comments, more watchers, and more hits than the last two years combined! We even made it to Freshly Pressed this December!

As before, this post will serve to highlight those imaginary authors who either began submitting to EFNB in 2012-13 or submitted the majority of their work during that period. Let’s wish these new authors the best of luck! Please do comment if you would like to see more from any of them; they all take requests or can be…convinced…to do so!

Natalie J. H. Able
Character Sheet for a Fictional Rogue, Character Sheet for a Fictional Rogues’ Gallery

Natalie works for Warlocks of the Interior, the publisher of the famous Ruins & Rogues roleplaying game. She started out as a pimply teenager submitting creatures and dungeon modules to Mageozine, the official Ruins and Rogues rag, but the quality of her submissions has earned her a place in the most recent editions of the Ruins & Rogues Creature Compendium. She hopes to collect her pre-made characters into an upcoming publication, 1001 Characters for Every Occasion.

Carla Minch Betts
The Lost and Found Detective, The Lost and Found Parlor

C. M. Betts declined to fill out our questionnaire, insisting that the only information we needed was in the public domain. As such, we can only report that Betts lives at [redacted] and earned $212,287 last year working as a short order fry cook.

William “Black Bill” Cubbins IV
A Pirate is Not a Halloween Costume, A Pro-Pirate Counterpoint

A noted Buccaneer-American activist, Black Bill Cubbins has devoted his life to advancing the cause and cultural perceptions of his people. Most readers will be familiar with his “Reclaim Pirates” campaign, which seeks to appropriate the once-insulting word “pirate” as a term of pride, albeit one only to be used by pirates to refer to themselves.

Bridget-Alicia Elba
Lady of the Boon, A Guide to Sapient Creatures Vol. 1, The Jack-of-Cards, A Guide to Sapient Creatures Vol. 2

Another prominent contributor coming to us from the role-playing world of Ruins & Rogues, Bridget-Alicia wrote and maintains the “Mistworlds: Modernity” campaign setting, which posits fantasy races in a modern setting. She wished us to express how diligent she has tried to be in the creation of these races, trying to avoid the usual stereotypes of basing fantasy races off of existing human cultures.

Madelyn Aisha Goeke
Crisis at SciCon 2012, All Tapped Out

Madelyn Goeke writes a series of short stories and novels revolving around a core group of hardcore nerds who solve extremely nerdy crimes. The Nerdcore Sleuths, as they’re called, have recently been picked up for international distribution by Kyoto Processed Ricepaper Concern Press.

Petra Natalia Langley
Odessa Mullen Slips Into the Zombieworld, Odessa Mullen Slips Back Into the Zombieworld, Odessa Mullen’s Zombieworld Revealed

A self-described “zombaddict” university student from the Midwest, Ms. Langley admits that her character of Dessie Mullen is essentially herself “turned up to 11.”

Odis Perun
Καλλίστη, Brewster’s Dictionary of Psychic Phenomena, 17th edition

A paranormal researcher and erstwhile medium, Dr. Perun teaches at a non-accredited degree mill in northern California. In his spare time, he writes fiction that reflects his interest in paranormal phenomenons and mass panic. He assures us that there is nothing sinister behind these interests, and certainly no prototype panic projectors in his woodshed that anyone should be concerned about.

“Lady” Kaila Pisciotti
The Other Book of Changes, Fastest and Highest, The Forever Swim, Up the Ladder

All of Ms. Pisciotti’s submissions have been postmarked from places that do not exist with stamps that have never been issued. Nonexistent, that is, even by the standards of EFNB, which maintains a robust imaginary correspondence network with subscribers and authors. As none of our mail can be delivered, and her provided email address is for a top-level domain that was proposed but never implemented, we cannot with certainty provide anything other than Ms. Pisciotti’s self-description as “a minor noble from the northernmost part of the Inland Empire where it touches the Beral Lands.” Opinion is divided as to whether this is an elaborate prank or mail arriving from an alternate dimension.

Victorina Rudolf
The Girl and the Teddy-Bear, Astride the Great Fish

Ms. Rudolf’s selections are from what she calls “an achingly nostalgic and painful exploration of childhood’s end through the lens of fantasy.” The editors did not think that talking teddy bears and flying fish were indicative of concrete reality, but it was nice to see this confirmed.

Andrew A. Sailer
Why I Hate MMORPGs, Why I Hate Reboots

A self-described “larval curmudgeon,” Mr. Sailer is a journalist who channels his inability to express his own opinions on issues into a series of rabid online essays about things that irritate him. He generally shies away from hot-button political or religious topic, preferring to save his bile for “the little annoyances that help make everyday life a festering cauldron of inconvenience.”

Hazel Pace Santiago
Tripping on the Green, A Caryatid Fashionista, Minimum Wage Fig Tree Dryad, Pendant of Generations, In A Weird Place

Ms. Santiago submitted her first writing to us shortly before the site’s two-year anniversary and has since gifted us extensively with excerpts from her forthcoming young adult urban fantasy novel. “I hate that I have to call it that,” she told us, “because those terms have been so thoroughly debased by overmarketing, bad Harry Potter wannabes, and worse fan-fiction with serial numbers filed off.”

Arkady Tuvalev
Marshal Nedelin, Cradle of the Elbrus IV

An ethnic Russian nuclear engineer, Tuvalev lives and works in Kaliningrad on the Baltic Sea. Further details, he says with a smile, are “classified.”

Tune in tomorrow for a retrospective on our established contributors who have written for us during 2012-2013!

By my calculations, this blog has just notched its 1000th daily post since I began it on February 19, 2010. It’s possible I’m a little off, since I’m writing this well in advance so I’ll have no distractions during NaNoWriMo (I was also an English major for whom even basic math typically required counting off on fingers). In honor of this arbitrary milestone, I thought I’d share some of my thoughts on being able to keep to such a punishing blog schedule so long.

I Bank Posts in Advance
Stephen King and any number of other writers say you can’t do this, that you need to set a regular schedule with a regular time and never depart from it ever. I think it’s fairer to say that every writer is different and some feel they have to work that way. Not me. If I know that I’m going to be out of town or indisposed, I bank up posts and schedule them to automatically drop while I’m away.

It sounds like a lot of work, and it is, but the dividends include no ugly interruptions and an increased sense of planning with regards to the blog. I’ll usually start out a month or so before the coming gap and “double up,” making two posts (one for today, one for later) when I’d otherwise have a singleton.

I Fill in Missing Posts When I Can
Even though I’m pretty good about keeping my schedule, there are times when internet outages, life’s unexpected vagaries, or good old-fashioned all-American depression keep me from posting. One of the great things about the internet, though, is the ability to manipulate date and time stamps. If I fill in the post I “missed” at a later date, it will for all intents and purposes be as if I made it to begin with. My relatively few subscribers still get a notification when the make-up is actually published so they can read the new content, and I get the satisfaction of patching up a “hole” in my schedule.

I usually don’t try to do this immediately. Nothing kills the urge to post more than a long line of old posts to fill in before I can write anything new. Instead, I keep the date in the back of my mind and fill it in when I have extra time or inspiration. If it’s a long enough gap it may take months to fill. But filling those gaps–heck, even just thinking about filling them–reinforces my commitment to my schedule. But I think that even if your schedule is once a month or once a week the same rules apply.

I Find Things in My Daily Life to Write About
Writing a fiction blog as I do, inspiration is a constant need. I’m constantly looking for little things to spin into stories, from an off-the-cuff remark to a news story to (this really happened once) a bumper sticker. Truth is stranger than fiction, and the best fiction has a grain of truth to it even if you take it to a place where elves pilot stealth bombers.

Most bloggers are nonfiction bloggers, though. But the same applies! Looking for things to write about (issues, events, peeves, joys) in what you’re up to everyday not only helps you invest yourself in your blog, but it makes what you have to say more unique. Most of my “fiction” posts are real life salted with disinformation and rendered in my own ever-evolving style. And really, how different is that from nonfiction these days?

Failing That, I Try Prompt Generators
Not every day is the most inspiring, and as often as not I have to dig elsewhere to look for something to write. Writing prompt generators are great and there’s tons of ’em (I detail some favorites here). There are hundreds, if not thousands, of blogs and forums that post daily prompts to help fellow inspiration-challenged writers.

But it doesn’t have to be an official generator to do the trick. Simply browsing Wikipedia can lead to some strange and wonderful places, each a great kernel for a story or essay. The daily news is the same, especially international or odd news that isn’t as well covered. You can always ask your friends and family too; some of the best prompts I’ve ever gotten have come about that way.

My Blog is a Means to an End
And no, that end isn’t selling things through the purchase link, which has netted like $20 in the 6 months it’s been active. In my case, the end is to improve my writing by doing a lot of it and by doing it every day. To a lesser extent, it’s also a way to trap the ideas that I have in amber so I can go back to them later and build a short story or a novel (something that happens quite a bit). So if I skip a post, I’m actively holding myself back from my goal.

Other goals may vary. Maybe your goal is to create and accurate record of how you feel about certain issues. Maybe your goal is to be funnier and more outrageous! In either case, linking your blogging to a greater goal can have the effect of a little extra motivation.

My Blog is an End in Itself
I know that’s a contradiction. But identifying myself as a blogger and the blog as a thing that I really care about maintaining is something I care very deeply about, even if in the end the only audience is myself. If you see your blog as a means to some nonconstructive end (like fame or fortune or book contracts bursting with lucre) it’s easy to get disappointed and discouraged.

Keeping a more constructive goal in mind helps, but also consider this question. Would you still keep the blog even if no one was reading? Are the posts there because they contain things that you want to be said, that you need to be said? It’s that kind of thing that’s led me to say that even the most wretched prose (or what seems to me like it) has value. Our writing defines us, and adds to the mark we leave on the world.

In Conclusion
I never thought I’d be able to maintain this schedule as long as I have, but I’m grateful for the opportunity. Hopefully some of the things that have sustained me in this pursuit can be useful to you, or at least make for a pleasant read.

We continue our two-year anniversary celebration today by highlighting important new imaginary contributors to the site, as well as a few whose older submissions were shamefully overlooked by the EFNB editorial staff this time last year.

Philip H. Fleming
Among the Primordial Star Clouds, Between the Pleiades, Shadows of Late-Sequence Stars

Provo, Utah native Philip Harold Fleming is an avid online gamer who moonlights as a systems analyst for a mid-level accounting firm. He calls the works he’s submitted so far part of an ambitious “online space opus” that relates space travel to MMORPGs.

John Sullivan
Deep Daybreak, Deep Departure, Deep Midnight, Musings

An insurance adjuster from Miami, OH, John Sullivan writes about topics regarding his “unusually introspective” childhood and adolescence. “If it seems a little needy and insecure,” Sullivan says, “I hope that also means it’s relatable, since I’ve never met anybody who isn’t at least one of those two things.”

Mark Amiton
Grant’s Crossing, Impermeable Army, The Molder’s Creed, The Permeable Lands, Up the Crystal Staircase

Mark Amiton works as an advertising copywriter in Mt. Pleasant, MI, and claims to be fascinated by advertising’s ability to influence reality. The idea of making or unmaking the physical world at whim is a strong feature in Amiton’s prose; “I wish it really were like that,” he told us, “so I could just make my books through sheer force of will rather than having to sit down and write up the damn things.”

C. D. Bayles
Flamethrower Faerie Junior High XL, Kaiser of the Roads

A pseudonym, C. D. Bales prefers that details about his or her biography, occupation, and place of residence remain strictly confidential. The editors of EFNB have respected his wish, and instead encoded Bales’ personal information throughout the site using an elaborate series of ciphers.

Callie Wellson Dowes
Tumor’s Essence, Tumor’s Tenacity

A former nurse and current epidemiology intern at the Centers For Disease Control and Prevention at Emory University in Georgia, Ms. Dowes has a natural interest in the mechanisms of disease. Her experience with transmissible tumors, HeLa cells, and parthenogenesis–combined with a very comprehensive collection of Japanese anime and video games–strongly influence her submitted works.

Carla Y. Eleuard
Beneath a Sundering Sky, Jasper’s Hope, Legion’s Legacy

A dual citizen of France and the United States, Ms. Eleuard splits her time between Boston and Marseilles. As a former staff member of the erotic Anglo-French science fantasy magazine Oreillers Lourds, Ms. Eleuard is interested in “smart stories that play with the apocalypse in slightly kinky ways.” Her dream is to launch the world’s first dedicated graphic novel in the Provençal dialect of Occitan.

Cull Featherton
Easy Money, Mercenary’s Folly

Another pseudonym, Mr. Featherton insists that his stories rise out of his experience as a mercenary during the Angolan Civil War. When confronted with a list of inconsistencies collected by our researchers that seem to suggest otherwise, Mr. Featherton argued that certain details had been altered to “protect the guilty” and “prevent any blockheaded kids from trying anything stupid.”

Harry M. Guest
Lanxisol Centlin Subject 012a, Lanxisol Subject 112b

Harry Guest works as a pharmacist for Fizlere Corp. out of Battle Creek, MI. As one might imagine, his work–both in the molecular chemistry and sleazy business aspects of the field–has led to a fascination with drugs and heir side effects. Mr. Guest assures our editors that the products he describes are in no way shape or form reminiscent of any pharmaceuticals manufactured by Fizlere. “Side effects for our products are typically upset stomach,” he says, “not superpowers.”

Connor Haehnel
Datastream Rapids, The Datane Trojan

We believe Connor Haehnel to be a psuedonym; the author himself has been mum on the subject. He claims to be an employee of a large West Coast technology firm that he would prefer not to name, and his stories are reflective of the future he sees for the technology industry “for better or (almost certainly) worse.”

Sandra Cooke Jameson
Outside the World Beneath, The Naming of the Sparrows

A retired professor of ornithology, Ms. Jameson taught for many years at Mississippi State University and is an avid participant in the annual Kirtland’s Warbler Wildlife Festival birdwatching events in Roscommon, MI. With a life list of over 800 birds, Ms. Jameson’s hobby has a profound influence on her fiction. Her claim to be able to actually understand the language of birds, and that her stories are adapted transcriptions of actual avian conversations, remain unsubstantiated.

Jordan Iverson Peers
Elemental Manhattan, Galloping Hooves in the Distance, Ineffable Diva Wyrm of the Kitchen Sink

Ms. Peers is a housewife in northeast Texas near Dallas, where her father worked for many years as a private detective. Those experiences, combined with a massive library of reference and fantasy works, are the root of much of her fiction. She told our editors that the definitive merging of noir archetypes with rare and unusual creatures of myth is an enduring and lifelong goal. When asked why her stories are set in New York and not Dallas, Ms. Peers claims that the city is the only place such creatures could live, as “they’d fit right in.”

Levi Paris Schroeder
A Series of Surreal Amphibians, A Series of Surreal Mammals

Levi Schroeder worked as a zoologist at Michigan State University for 30 years before retiring to work part time at animal shelters and local zoos. He credits long research hours, an obsessive-compulsive need to catalog, Borges, and Dungeon and Dragons as the basis for his fictional bestiaries (which have become popular items at local bookstores).

Katrina P. Sunderlund
Dusk and Dreaming, Lady Milvy and the Riddle of the Garden, The Pursuits of Andrew Travis

Ms. Sunderlund refused to answer any questions when our editors contacted her. Surreptitious calls to neighbors and her publisher revealed that she hosts poetry readings in a local public library, maintains between three and twelve cats, and has no visible source of income.

T. W. Reyauld
Bardic Foibles, Hunter’s Mark, Noble Nonsense

Fantasy writer T. W. Reyauld, a Montreal native, is just beginning to break into the highly competitive world of professional writing. His contributions here are part of a series of interlocking first-person narratives which make up the majority of his novels. He hopes that success will allow him to retire from his job with the provincial government civil service, which he likens to “herding sabretooth cats.”

Carolyn Riley
Pearlsea in Pieces, The Pearlsea Experiment

Carolyn Riley’s “Pearlsea Cycle” is the source for her contributions. She informs us that it’s based on the experiences of her husband before they were dating in college, and draws on themes of science fiction, wish fulfillment, alternate worlds, and the question of reality and cosmic beings. When asked how these issues feature into the excerpts she has given us, which don’t seem to incorporate any of those ideas, Ms. Riley simply smiles knowingly.

Bernard S. Roberts
A Vyaeh Manual of Arms, Of Executioners and Adjudicators, Of the Tuy’baq, Of the Vyaeh

Bernard S. Roberts is a former scenario writer for a major video game company. His contributions to games such as “Thermopylae 2200 AD,” “Dark Places of the Earth,” and the first of the critically acclaimed and wildly popular “Nero” sci-fi shooter hexalogy. Disillusioned by the way that, as he saw it, improved graphic were displacing story in video games, Mr. Roberts has since begun compiling his leftover and rejected scenario ideas into science fiction stories. He admits a certain Heinlein influence, and adds that while the races in his works have their origins in intellectual properties held by his former employer, he has “changed things just enough to hopefully avoid getting sued.”

Daniel C. Rudnick
Flyer, Flyer’s Fall

Now a successful patent attorney in Chagrin Falls, Ohio, Dan Rudnick writes occasional short pieces inspired by memories of his small-town childhood, which he describes as “equal parts rose-tinted and just plain tinted.”

H. Brent Ryder
Pacific Gold, Sepulcher of the Non-Euclidean God-Essence

A member of both the Midwestern World War Historical Society and the Lovecraftians of the Old Northwest, Mr. Ryder’s ambition is to write a tale that combines the early island-hopping campaigns of the second world war with cosmic horror.

Koji Umebayashi
Nturta Tiil, Wahshi-san’s Negligee

A contemporary (some might say competitor) of Nokin Kobeyashi, Koji Umbayashi lives and works in Sapporo, Hokkaido Prefecture. A former investment banker before turning to prose and poetry, he lived in San Francisco 1968-1989 and writes in English while publishing Japanese translations locally. He is interested in both history and the comic, but his works tend to favor one or the other; the combination, he says, “is as alien to most readers as corn on pizza is to most Americans.”

Can it really have been two years since EFNB started? As amazing as it sounds, my count confirms 730 days in the archive. They may be short, but if nothing else we here at EFNB can be proud of sticking to the schedule. By way of celebration, the editors at Excerpts from Nonexistent Books have updated and expanded the list of our most prolific, albeit entirely imaginary, contributors.

First, updates on those who made our list last year:

Anonymous
Stepping Out, Satire on the Big House, A Gamer’s Thoughts at 5am, Portal of the Infinite, Meediv’s Lesson, Everyday Coincidence, The Leaky Vessel Empties, Writer’s Razor, The Last King of Ujram, The Day the Network Died, On Hypocrisy, A Continuing Story Parts 1, 2, 17, 18, 19

Our editors’ suspicion that at least some of the excerpts by “Anonymous” shared a common author was confirmed by a note received at press time: “While I didn’t do all the stuff with no author on your site, a lot of it is mine. Why the anonymity? Let’s just say that my true identity would, in the words of J. M. Barrie, ‘even at this date set the country in a blaze.'” The writer went on to assure our editors that heor she was in no way involved with the 2011 film (“rubbish”), the hacktivism group (“busybodies”) or the 13th century English student of medieval music theory (“wedded to an outdated notion of tonalism”).

Van Bullock
The Team, Icechip Heart, Speaking with Dead Leaves, High-Caliber Children, The Accountant and the Assassin, Olympian Memories, No Regrets

Vance Bullock’s novel about an icy assassin and her hapless male counterpart is making good progress. Bullock is at pains to point out that it is an adventure story, not a romance, and that there is absolutely no truth to the allegations floating around certain circles that the helpless male character is autobiographical. “If anything, it’s the woman that’s autobiographical,” he says, adding “that sounded a lot weirder out loud than it did in my head.”

Eric Cummings Jr.
Nothing vs. Firewall, Cynical Blows, Intercepted, The Firewall, The Last Email, Bases Unloaded, Santa Djinni

Eric Cummings Jr. is still toiling away on his autobiographical opus, which he hopes “will do for underemployed slackers what “Catcher in the Rye” did for spoiled and entitled brats.” At press time he could offer no definitive plot summary or projected date of completion, nothing that such uncertainty “comes with the territory.”

Calvin Higgins Joachimthal
Rejected!, Reboot This, The Dread Scale

In his communications with us, Calvin Joachimthal has blamed either “severe overwork” or “severe underwork” in Hollywood as the reason for not being able to write more. He has also made claims ranging from six-figure options on major scripts to “living in a refrigerator box uner an overpass.”

Nokin Kobayashi and Irene York
Sōtan and the Wayze, Novels, Reed Dolls of the Soul, Not Quite to China, The Tale of Nfashō in the Illustrious North, Major Tōakenkyūjo and the Exiled Mountain, The 1000 Insane Poets of the Late Dynasty, Fall of a Forgotten Emperor

Nokin Kobayashi (小林) has had a busy year, which has seen his literary output increase significantly. He donated all of his royalties for the last year to victims of the March 2011 earthquake, raising almost $25 for international relief efforts, and attributes the latest string of ideas to “jade teardrops from the throne of the sun, blessed with radiation” according to his partner Ms. York.

Irene York remains committed to the literary efforts of her other half, and served as a volunteer translator in the aftermath of the earthquake and tsunami. She claims to have been moved to action by the ¥1000 ($13.01) of damage done to her summer home in a neighboring prefecture.

Joe Kull
Fortress Gilvery, Soulstorm, Island of Souls

After a relatively long hiatus, Joseph Kull’s most recent submission had an attached note that read “Torn between using this and a not supernatural scene. What do you think–too bloody?” He was assured that we here at EFNB make no judgements on the content or bloodiness of any of our submitting authors.

D. P. Patterson
Healing Visions, Sara Dinch, Darkness Has Its Delights

Dona P. Patterson has been dabbling more in poetry of late, either items that depict her own state of mind or, increasingly, the outlook that her twin schnauzers Galaxian and Jaina, or her goldfish Yggdrasil, have on modern life.

C. Alton Parker
Prosperity Falls, Prosperity Rising, The Prosperity Play, The Prosperity Holdup

Catherine Alton Parker has made on and off progress with her epic feminist Western, but has admitted to distractions from a variety of sources. These include a prolific series of rejected short stories, health problems with her cats, a near-continuous string of sales at her local outlet mall, and a nagging feeling that the story will never be as good on paper as it is in her noggin.

Phil “Stonewall” Pixa
Beyond New Providence, Beyond the Interstellar Application Form, Beyond the Morning Star, Breakdown, Dome, Convergence at the Bar, Lights of New Providence, Peg’s Awakening, Peg’s Story, Reigo and Sauvagine
Phil Pixa has been throwing himself into his work of late, which he avers is the cause of his sluggish contribution schedule. While the middle chapter in his science fiction story is complete, he is at loggerheads whether to complete the others or try to move the story into a more contemporary setting. When asked about a setting change, Pixa cites the sci-fi section of a local independent bookstore where heaps of “shovel-literature” wait, unsold.

Jeanne Welch
Locke’s Specter, Locke’s Phantom

Jeanne is still working on her “tapestry that asks deep questions about identity, information, and Web 2.0 in the context of death and/or online stalking,” but record business at her public library job due to the global depression has made progress, in her words, “glacial.”

Altos Wexan
Across Worlds Book I: Heden’s Psyche, Across Worlds Book IV: Sands of Taas, Across Worlds Book V: Xencobourg’s Fury, Bullhorn Charlie and the Amazing Automat Pie, Dusk at the Diner, Lebedev’s Specter, Major Problems, Noir Rapids, Precinct Amputation, Purple Nights in the Furniture City, Second Chances, The Baroness in Winter, The Rise of Metromart #832, The Battle for Metromart #832, The Decline and Fall of Metromart #832, The Muse and the Completed First Draft, Tunguska Butterfly Back Cover Blurb, Verisimilitude, Winter Nightmare

Altos Wexan has continued his run as our most prolific contributor. He credits explorations of Borges and Lovecraft with his recent purple patch of creativity and experimentation. His “Across Worlds” remains sadly in limbo as Wexan’s obsessive need to take on new projects has led to unfinished forays into noir, action, and metaliterature. He speculates that university tenure will bring further efforts, corssing his fingers as he does so.

It’s been one whole year since EFNB started–365 days with one unique excerpt from the finest imaginary literature every single day! In honor of the site’s one-year anniversary, the editors at Excerpts from Nonexistent Books would like to recognize some of our most prolific nonexistent contributors over the past year:

Eric Cummings Jr.
“Nothing vs. Firewall,” “Cynical Blows,” “Intercepted,” “The Firewall”

Eric Cummings Jr. is a former instructor at Southern Michigan University and current slacker who finds inspiration for his stories in the mind-numbing depths of unskilled minimum wage labor. A man of strong opinions and inflated ego, Cummings readily admits that his stories and characters are highly autobiographical, though he avers that “some of my traits are taken to an extreme to make it a better read.” His current projects include a two-book series about dangerous “information revolutionaries” who destroy a Michigan university–a project which Cummings insists is in no way shape or form influenced by his opinion of or time at SMU.

Phil “Stonewall” Pixa
“Reigo and Sauvagine,” “Lights of New Providence,” “Peg’s Story,” “Breakdown,” “Beyond the Morning Star,” “Beyond New Providence”

Phil Pixa, whose nickname comes from a short stint on his high school football team that left him in traction for six weeks, is a New York-based science fiction writer and general waitstaff worker. He describes his twin interests as being “good old-fashioned space opera” and “stories that find the unreal in the everyday life,” which he admits is far easier in New York, which he describes as a “breeder reactor for the bizarre.” Pixa is working on two projects at present: a collection of short stories revolving around a place he creatively calls “The City” involving time-based attacks by a ferocious band of temporal anarchists, and a three book cycle on the rise, fall, and rise again of an interstellar shipping worker named Peg Gregory.

Altos Wexan
“Across Worlds Book IV: Sands of Taas,” “Across Worlds Book V: Xencobourg’s Fury,” “Precinct Amputation,” “Purple Nights in the Furniture City,” “The Rise of Metromart #832,″ “The Battle for Metromart #832,″ “The Decline and Fall of Metromart #832″

Clinton Illinois born and bred, Altos Wexan has earned a gold star as our most prolific contributor. Wexan describes his writing as “the mishmash of a hundred ideas from college-level literature classes, mediocre video games, and movies that think they’re smarter than they really are.” A perennial experimenter and procrastinator, Wexan’s longest work to date is the as yet unfinished “Across Worlds” saga, a massive six-book dimension-spanning epic. He has also experimented with film noir and more modernistic writing, often in the same work. When not setting aside an unfinished older story to charge headlong into a new one, Wexan works as an adjunct professor at a small midwestern university.

Van Bullock
“The Team,” “Icechip Heart,” “Speaking with Dead Leaves,” “High-Caliber Children,” “The Accountant and the Assassin,”

Vance Bullock was born in South Africa but grew up in the rural Midwest. As a Peace Corps volunteer, he was present throughout many global hotspots during the tumultuous early 1990’s, helping to build clinics and schools that were inevitably torn down by anti-American revolutionaries. His encounters with “private defense contractors” in southern and eastern Africa form the basis for many of his stories. Bullock is currently working on a novel based on his earlier short stories, about an icy and troubled female assassin and a mild-mannered accountant. “If that sounds like wish-fulfillment, it really is,” he said. “I don’t meet nearly enough lethal girls in my line of work, even though I definitely checked that box in eHarmony.”

C. Alton Parker
“Prosperity Falls,” “Prosperity Rising”

Catherine Alton Parker lives in Tuscon Arizona where she works as a manager for KNOW, Arizona’s only radio psychic station. In her spare time she participates in local dressage and show jumping tournaments with her horse Karen. A self-described feminist, video game junkie, and devoted fan of Louis L’Amour, Parker claims that her lifelong dream has been to write a “rip-snorting western with a strong female lead” that nevertheless “has plenty of action to go with the bleeding-heart crap you’d expect.” An Aries, she credits her sign’s “neurotic and task-oriented” nature as her inspiration to write.

Nokin Kobayashi and Irene York
“Sōtan and the Wayze,” “Novels,” “Reed Dolls of the Soul,” “Not Quite to China”

Nokin Kobayashi (小林) is a native of Tokyo prefecture who divides his time between San Francisco, Seoul, and Hong Kong. A graduate of Hong Kong Polytechnic University and a trained technical writer, Kobayashi maintains a keen interest in geography, the supernatural, and the history of East Asia, all of which he seeks to synthesize in his writings. Speaking through a translator, Kobayashi asserted that he writing is in equal parts “a product of the social-technological-historical milieu in which I am immersed” and “a cosmic song issued from the holy sun god of cats crowned with ten thousand chrysanthemum blossoms.”

Irene York has served as Nokin Kobayashi’s personal translator, literary executor, live-in maid, tutor, and lover for more than thirty years. A graduate of the University of Michigan’s prestigious far eastern linguistics program, she first encountered Kobayashi during a research trip to Saigon when they met in police custody coincidentally wearing the same Jade Monkey Emperor of the North Star t-shirt. Irene insists that all literary merit in Kobayashi’s stories comes from the author himself, and that she is merely “the conduit through which his song may be heard by fresh ears.”

Anonymous
“Stepping Out,” “Satire on the Big House,” “A Gamer’s Thoughts at 5am,” “Portal of the Infinite”

While some of our editors felt that Anonymous did not represent a single author, EFNB’s patented word pattern analysis software has determined that the various anonymous submissions have a 98.72% similarity in tone and writing style and were likely penned by the same person, perhaps a person attempting to present themselves as a group of individuals. As emails seeking comment were not answered by press time, our editors can only speculate about the author’s origin and nature. It seems clear that he is a native of Michigan or at least lived there for a time, and evidence indicates that he holds himself and his “art” in unnaturally high regard, has underdeveloped social skills, and can’t take even the mildest criticism without pouting like a small child.

Jeanne Welch
“Locke’s Specter,” “Locke’s Phantom”

A Batesville Mississippi resident, Jeanne describes herself as “obsessed with the explosion of personal information online” and a “relentless, remorseless, wonderful addict to any and all social media.” Always looking for the next big or unique thing in social media sites, Jeanne maintains a blog about them entitled “Who Is jeannew85 On Your Site?” when she isn’t working as a cart maintenance technician at the Batesville Public Library. Her current goal is to knit her short works into a “tapestry that asks deep questions about identity, information, and Web 2.0 in the context of death and/or online stalking.”

Joe Kull
“Fortress Gilvery,” “Soulstorm”

Self-professed history buff Joe Kull lives in Greenville, South Carolina where he works as an archivist and rare document conservator. His stories form part of a larger tapestry that he describes as “spanning World War I to the Jazz Age and investigating the fearsome power of the souls of the dead.” Joe regaled us at length about why World War I is his favorite military conflict, noting that it’s “more complicated, more moody, and more exciting” than its better-known sequel, and was at pains to describe the art noveau and art deco movements as “the shiznit.”

Calvin Higgins Joachimthal
“Rejected!,” “Reboot This”

A native of Chicago, IL, Joachimthal attended UCLA Film School before working in the film industry on what he describes as “either really shitty movies or really boring porn.” The hats he’s worn include director, producer, composer, editor, casting, makeup, lighting, star, and extra–often on the same production. He is currently working on a series of books and short stories about the foibles of behind-the-scenes movie production based on his own experiences in which “the names have been changed just enough to avoid getting sued.”

D. P. Patterson
“Healing Visions,” “Sara Dinch”

Dona P. Patterson, hailing from Kent County Michigan, is a self-professed fan of “the weird, the wonderful, the twisted, the dark, but especially all of the above.” She shuns the term “writer,” preferring to describe herself as someone who “has cool ideas and writes them down for close friends.” Her work is dedicated to her twin schnauzers, Galaxian and Jaina, and her betta fish Leviathan.

Who hasn’t had a nifty idea for a scene or a dialogue in a story and been put off by having to surround it with context? In a lot of ways the story is better when it’s locked up in your head, perfect and unspoiled by the need to put everything in a neat and tidy order.

That’s the idea here, to take an old writing exercise of mine and put it to work. Each entry is a short excerpt from a book that doesn’t exist, just enough to give a sense of the larger work lurking in the shadows. I used to fill notebooks with these things, and the best ones always developed into something else, either by inspiring me or the people who read them to fill in the gaps.

I can’t claim the idea is mine; it was partially inspired by The Catalog of Lost Books by Tad Tuleja, an annotated list of great books that all have the notable handicap of nonexistence. The title is similarly lifted from the name of Danny Elfman’s concert piece Overture to a Nonexistent Musical. And, although I hadn’t read any of his work when I started this project, Jorge Luis Borges and his “summaries of books that do not exist” is apparently a kindred spirit in this endeavor.

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