Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Vhod Amti

It’s Vhod Amti from Zypger IV, and we’re about to begin our stream of War Ears VII: The Pointening by the State Game Factory. But before we get started, I want to give some shoutouts while the stream is still filling up.

First, I want to thank our returning sponsor CreditBase, creators of the VhodCoin quantum currency and minters of the VhodBase QFTs. Buy into their quantum currency ecosystem today and get an extra 20% with the code VHODSENTYA. I also want to remind anyone who bought AmtiCoin quantum currency with QuantumHQ in our earlier promotion that all sales are final, irrespective of quantum currency market collapses.

I’d also like to thank the State Game Factory for the review code for this game. You know, some people think that having a video game developer being an arm of the state entertainment monopoly means that everything they put out is boring, but anyone who’s played War Ears VI: Lobe it or Leave it knows that’s just not true. They provide the kind of hardcore gaming experience you can only get with the full resources and backing of an interstellar nation-state, and better still, you don’t have to worry about meeting content requirements!

This stream is also brought to you by the Directory of the Zypgar Union, which reminds you that you can have your fun, as long as they let you have fun, but don’t forget who is in charge. “The Zypgar Union: Unquestionably Powerful.” Remember our little rhyme: “mind your own business, let well enough be, our actions are matters of internal security.”

That said, let’s get to the game!

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Unit 0100010001001010 here, but as always you can call me DJ! Now, I know from the 12.2 trillion hits on my latest vid that oodles of sapients were into my latest teardown video, and that’s great! You know I do it for you, the fans, like I always have. But a few issues did get brought up in comments and in messages people sent me after we were live via ansible, and I want to address them now that I have the time to do it.

First, while my teardown was of a Confederation Type II maser pistol, I definitely DO NOT recommend doing it at home. I know that in the vid I sort of jokingly listed some household uses for the power pack and a list of 10 fun pranks to play with the stun setting, but please don’t actually do it. Also, the Type II is a military-grade weapons, so you probably shouldn’t have one without some sort of permission.

Second, I had a lot of questions about how I got a Type II maser pistol, seeing as they are highly regulated, illegal for most civilians to own or possess, and in current use with Fleet Arm. Let me just say that I got this maser VERY legally, from friend of the channel k1llg0re-22, who had it as a war trophy from the Fifth BloodWar and then registered it under the Disintegrator Amnesty of ’68. So even though they’re really hard to get, there are a few maser pistols that are legal to own and this was definitely one of them.

Third, some of you Fleet Arm veterans were basically screaming in the comments that I needed to connect the maser coil to a neutral ground before I drained it of antiprotons, since a dangerous antimatter arc can sometimes occur if you don’t. Remember, though, as a 11001001, my entire body is a neutral ground and I have been cybernetically enhanced with, among other things, an antiproton sink. So no worries there, but unless you are also a 11001001 with an antiproton sink installed, definitely do connect a neutral ground.

Finally, a lot of comments said that they thought the footage of me shooting the maser on stun were faked. I’ve uploaded some B-reel to show you that it’s absolutely real, and give you a behind the scenes peek at my cameraman 0100110101000100 (Doc) and my editor 0100101001001111 (Jo). Remember, even though we’re laughing and a hole did get melted through one of the decks of the SV 00110001-00110111-00110000-00110001, you still shouldn’t try it at home.

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Xenia Zzazzsk

Hey y’all! It’s ya girl Xenia of Hive Numbah Five, back at it like a bad habit in low orbit! Now, I want to come at you all earnest-like, for realz, and have a straight chat about my last fashion video on ClipClop.

Now, if you’re one of the 12.2 billion sapients who watched, liked, or subscribed, first of all, thanks one billion. But you’re also caught up, and since ClipClop but a genetic lock on the vid, I wanna make sure all y’all hiveies are caught up since you can’t just go watch it without Level Seven Double Diamond clearance from the Confed. The TLDR is that I said in my Galactic Fashion Update that the new look of this Galactic Rotation was ANTENNAE. Then I got out a few pairs of antennae from my bois at Obet Forehead Accoutrements and modeled them for all y’alls.

Well. Turns out that a lot of my Zypger sapients see those antennae as being hurtful stereotypes, like wearing a tentacle wig or fake forehead ridges. Even though the Obet and OFA have been selling designer antennae for millennia, Zypgers in the know told me that this was an insensitive reminder of the old Zypger Empire being dominated by the Obet Directory during the Eon of Humiliation.

And I want to say, from the depths of my valves, I truly am sorry. That’s on me, for not doing my homework, and I wanna give a straight up apology to my Zypger sapients. If any of y’all were hurt, offended, or triggered by my ClipClop vid, it was totally not intentional. I’m returning the antennae, un-proclaiming them to be the new look of this Galactic Rotation effective immediately, and severing my corporate 7735(c) Structured Compensation Agreement with Ultimet LLC GmbH (d.b.a. “Obet Forehead Accoutrements”) across all galaxies, timelines, and parallel skeins. The OFA recall code for this authorized decision is 1–7–3–4–6–7–3–2–1–4–7–6–Charlie.

Anyway, I hope all y’all hiveies can help me put this nasty old unfortunate incident behind us, and keep on slaying it like the Toothbeast of Aldebaran IV. Join me next time as I rank the best and worst dressed at the Green Carpet for the Zorbies, and also my latest You Know You’re Reform Fulvan If vid. Toodles and oodles, hivies!

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The Portable Forest

This appears to be a rather large chestnut ringed with gold wire, but when the command word written upon it is spoken and the item placed on the ground, it will magically create a forest of one acre from that spot. The forest will contain trees, understory, and leaf litter, but no animals, and will not take the place of any preexisting structures, growing around them instead. If the command word is uttered a second time, or one week elapses, the forest will return to its chestnut. It will also “contract” if any major damage is sustained by any of the summoned trees. The forest must recharge for a period equal to the amount of time it was deployed, with an additional day for every tree damaged or destroyed. The item was the creation of Druidess Eurrse, whose sigil is upon it, for the sole reason of giving her a forest to look upon during her travels.

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The Shillelagh of Fortitude

Shillelaghs are well-known as both walking sticks and weapons, so one such stick with the unmistakable sigil of Magister Satteur, one of the most powerful arch-mages ever to live, certainly excites the imagination. The stick is obviously intensely magicked, and will show a powerful aura under a magiscope. This has led to owners assuming that the shillelagh is a powerful magical weapon or a brilliant piece of defensive magic. However, years of intensive study–supported by Satteur’s own handwritten notes–indicate that it is a simple walking stick given near-infinite durability and resistance to breaking. Intended only to aid Satteur on his rambling walks later in life, the shillelagh has nevertheless inspired intense curiosity and jealousy from those who are convinced it must be something more.

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Sorrow’s Raiment

This is a piece of well-made light armor brigantine, with a high evident quality of workmanship and a dark color scheme that seems like it would be very intimidating if worn. Once donned, though, the armor will make the wearer progressively sadder and more depressed the longer it is worn. This melancholy has never lead to suicide or self-harm, but records exist of wearers being found weeping on the floor, pining away on a couch, or staring forlornly over battlements. The effect disappears gradually if the armor is removed, and even though any wearer is unlikely to feel ready for battle, it will protect their person to a high degree. A close inspection reveals the signature of R. K. Kundtstadtler of Dorfwasser, and it was rumored to have been made for a captain of the guard that was felt to be too pompous.

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The Erhu of Projection

A two-stringed, bowed spike fiddle, this erhu is solidly made but roughly finished. In place of the usual python skin, close examination will show that the resonator is made from the skin of a sonic dragon. It can be played by anyone with at least a passing familiarity with string instruments using any bow at hand, and the strings can be plucked by the untrained. Whenever the erhu makes any noise with its strings beyond simple transport–being played, struck, or plucked with the intent to make noise–it can be heard by everyone within a roughly quarter-mile radius as if the instrument were uncomfortably close to their head. The player is immune to this effect, and many an unfortunate street musician has been accosted by an angry mob on its behalf. The item is unmarked but believed to have been a spiteful gift from a auromancer to a street performer.

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The Crystal of Confusion

A well-carved crystal with scintillating colors and a powerful magical aura, this is to all appearances a highly desirable magic item. However, when grasped, its only effect is a strong sense of confusion about the nature of the crystal itself–where it came from, what powers it possesses, and how to use them. One owner, Ralf IV of Rxenmuth, believed that it had been given to him by a flaming angel, and that by clutching the crystal in one hand and a stick of butter in the other, he would be granted the power of flight. Another, Archmagus Trop of McOrne, believed that he had been gifted the crystal by his dead mother–who was still alive–and that wearing it around his neck would render him invisible so long as he wore no clothes. Its maker is unknown, but given the wake of utter mayhem strewn in its path, many devious imps and tricksters have been credited–or blamed–for its creation.

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The Eye of Fear

This plain gold circlet has an eye made of marble and lapis lazuli set on one end, such that it can be worn as a “third eye” in the forehead (or a “eye in the back of the head” if put on backwards). The circlet contains an inscription, informing the wearer that they can use the item to cause any being in their line of sight to suddenly experience a vivid hallucination of their worst fear. However, should the wearer attempt to do so, it will instead reveal their own worst fear as an equally vivid hallucination. It appears to have infinite charges, but other than as a prank, it serves no useful purpose.

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The Para-Elemental Wand

Created by the former Head of the Imperial Magocracy Council, Gorrister Naegis, this ornately carved and finely wrought ironwood wand was his last commission before his resignation and disappearance. The Imperial Magister had requested a wand that could harness the power of the four elements, but only paid a pittance and given Naegis a short deadline. The result was the Para-Elemental Wand, which provided the powers of the four para-elemental planes: Ice, Magma, Ooze, and Smoke. Forming the borderlands between the major elements of Earth, Fire, Air, and Water, the pare-elemental planes are weak sources of magic due to their divided natures, and accordingly the wand is able to summon only a shard of ice, a drop of magma, a thin tendril of ooze, and a puff of smoke. This makes it totally useless for all purposes, as even the magma cools and hardens almost instantly.

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