Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Vatna
The Vatna believe that those who demonstrate outstanding moq’HiQ during the previous sol are visited by Warlord Zhu’Ah, who will give them implements of battle useful for the coming year, as well as sweet treats and stuffed animals. Children are typically given toy versions of battle implements; the old saying is that anyone old enough to receive a lethal weapon from Warlord Zhu’Ah is too old to believe in him.

Fulvan Hive
Traditional Fulvan culture emphasizes the whole rather than the one, and as such they believe that Overwind Alpha is manifested from the combined thoughts and feelings of all Fulvans, and delivers practical gifts like drinkware and clothing to the most civic-minded Fulvans. Reform and Orthodox Fulvans tend to give more sentimental and less traditional gifts.

Zypger
Since the Zypger favor the art of subtlety and secrecy in galactic relations, their annual gifts are delivered by Spymaster Snrub, who inserts sleeper agents (often translated as “elves”) into each household to probe it for weaknesses. Snrub is a great lover of sport, and will bypass houses without any defenses for him to bypass–hence the Zypger tradition of laying traps and snares for Snrub to “disarm.”

Ebzhyna
The stereotypical Ebzhyna believes in free will, free love, and the breaking down of emotional and physical barriers. Their annual gift bringer is Gobho the Joyous, who lavishes gifts on the Ebzhya with the clearest vibes. These gifts tend to be, at least for traditionalist Ebzhyna, healthy snacks and ecologically sustainable toys.

Obet
The Obet spawning strategy requires the strongest hatchlings to eat their weaker siblings, and for parents to eat any hatchlings that are deformed or unacceptable. As such, Broodmistress D’lyel will reward the most evolutionarily competitive Obet with the delectable young of their evolutionary inferiors. While this was quite real in historical times, most modern gifts are gummy young and other treats.

11001001
The networked and heavily augmented 11001001 lack sentience without surgical implementations, and live a partly virtual life. Their annual gifts take the form of data packets delivered by IO.exe, which contain small games, sums of credits, and other goodies.

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Madison R’Svask

Dear Warmaiden Madison R’Svask:
My Vatna friend keeps saying that I lack moq’hiQ. What is moq’hiQ, and should I be worried if I lack it?
-Jessica 112, CloneStation 221b, Replicon Space, 97389-3305

Dear Jessica:
Oh dear. I don’t know how much you know about Vatna culture, but someone saying that you lack moq’hiQ is a very serious insult! Are you sure you’re really friends?

For some context, a lot of people like to throw the word moq’hiQ around because it has street cred, or because they saw it in a Vatna action movie. But it’s definitely a word that only a Vatna should use, and carefully at that. I’ve only heard my dad, Prime Warlord Zadias R’Svask of the ruling gyu’Vatna warrior caste of the glorious Vatna Hegemony, say that anyone lacked moq’hiQ a few times. And each time, it led to a BloodWar. It’s just that strong a word!

moq’hiQ is a pretty untranslatable concept, but it could roughly be said to mean honor, gumption, common sense, and smarts all wrapped up into one like a luxury bath bomb (but not one of those stellar mines peddled by Xenia Zzazzsk that will turn your tub into a black hole). A Vatna who has a lot of moq’hiQ is riding high, but saying that it is lacking is like calling someone a dumb, dishonorable, coward all at once! It’s really hurtful.

Now it’s one thing for a non-Vatna to say another non-Vatna that moq’hiQ is lacking. That’s not great, but they all they know about Vatna culture they probably learned at Kragh Fleet from the back of a Slurpy-Meal™. But for a Vatna to say that to someone? That’s a really serious insult.

The way I see it, you have two options available to you, depending how immersed your friend is in Vatna culture and how grievously you feel insulted. You can laugh it off, but note that whoever used such hurtful language is not really your friend. That’s what I did when Xenia Zzazzsk called me a flaccid nishaQ in a video that went out to all 28.2 billion sapients that follow her on ClipClop. Now, I grant you that’s not as grievous of an insult, but I just ignored it and did an endorsement video for Star Confederation Monthly. I proved Xenia wrong by behaving in a way that no flaccid nishaQ ever would! If you do this, I would stop hanging around with your friend as well. They have shown that they don’t really care for you.

The other option of course, is to fight for your moq’hiQ and prove that you have it in abundance. If you’re not willing to declare BloodWar or if you lack a battlefleet, the traditional Vatna way is trial by single combat. As the aggrieved party, you have choice of weapons, and I would suggest either a set of dueling plasmacasters if you’re a good shot or a pair of sil’skek blades if you aren’t. Remember: a Vatna can be disabled by a plasma strike to the armored forehead plate even if it is not enough to kill them, and you can slide a blade up under the 13th rib from behind to pierce a Vat’s ql’tach and kill them instantly. Good luck!

Either way, just remember that your value is in you, not in the labels others place on you. Stay tuned next week for my exclusive interview with Its Holiness 11011101, the Machine God of the controversial but chic new sect of Robotulism. Hearts and stars, glory and honor everyone!

-Warmaiden Madison R’Svask

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Hadal darkness whispers forth
A dream of winters past
Diamond dust not coats the earth
As mercury drops in its glass
On solstice past this chill appeared
The whole land in its grasp
But this occurrence, it is feared
Is more a dying gasp
A day ago the meter danced
With a summer’s high and low
As the week ahead advance
Back up there it will go
A cold snap of a couple days
Is all winter musters now
They say that we must stop the blaze
They never tell us how

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The sky has always been blue, and the waters have always been blue, but once the land itself was blue as well. So was it made by the Great Bird, who desired that everything be in its image and therefore perfect. After the Great Bird sung the song that began the world, it left on a migration of a thousand thousand years and trusted to its creations to maintain the hue of their creators.

Many, however, chose to attempt to stand out by changing their hue from the blue of the sea and the blue of the sky. Though the sea and sky themselves remained loyal to the Great Bird, the trees adopted hues of brown and green out of vanity. The earth, not to be outdone, cocooned itself in a rainbow of hues.

This led many of the birds to change their colors as well. Many had remained blue, but the reality of the new hues of tree and earth made them vulnerable to predators, and many assumed hues of brown or green. Others sought to outdo the trees and the earth in garish hues. In the end, only the bluebirds maintained their color, as only they were loyal to the Great Bird and carried on its legacy even at the risk to themselves.

Other birds have since thought better of their choice and switched back to blue. But the bluebirds remember a time when the indigo bunting was brown, and the blue jay was grey. They, and they alone, have borne the true hue since the dawn of creation, and they will continue to bear it until the Great Migration of a thousand thousand years is complete and the Great Bird returns.

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Profile: 0100010001001010 “DJ”

Among the 11001001, unambiguous numbers are used instead of personal names, which are confusing, duplicative, and convey a minuscule amount of information. While the 11001001 do have informal nicknames amongst themselves, consisting of the first 16 digits of their binary names, even those can be unwieldy for outsiders. Realizing this, young 11001001 influencer 0100010001001010 converted his nickname to Unicode characters, becoming known as DJ to his audience.

And what an audience it has become! DJ is the #1 tech streamer in the Star Confederation, with a series of reviews, modification guides, and teardowns of all the latest tech and gadgets coming onto the interstellar market. With all the collective knowledge of the 11001001 at his fingertips, DJ has the knowhow to make it work, and the savviness to make it meme.

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Profile: Kacrixl “Ixl” Rhjypes

Ebzhyna from the Combine are stereotypically a deeply spiritual people, with a natural preference for traditional remedies and wisdom and a deep mistrust of advanced technology. Ixl Rhjypes brings just that energy to their “Residoo” brand of lifestyle products and endorsements, pushing for a natural, holistic, and consciously coupled lifestyle.

The offspring of noted Ebzhyna film producer Sag Rhj and intergalactic rom-com favorite Tosp Ypes, Ixl launched their brand at the young age of 14 cycles, and with a small one million credit investment from their forebears was able to build it into a titanic brand within just a few cycles more.

Ixl’s review videos of natural and homeopathic remedies are renowned for their breezy style and high production values, while their endorsements of copper, magnets, and crystals for healing purposes has made them a devoted following among citizens of the Star Confederation who are too poor to afford medical care.

Naturally, such innate talent and success breeds resentment, and many have criticized Residoo for promoting dangerous, unhealthy, or quack products. Others have claimed that even the most benign Residoo information may lead sapients to put off actual medical procedures in favor of untested (and untestable) miracle cures. Ixl isn’t worried, though. Whenever the subject of criticism comes up, they just smile and say “whatever!.”

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Profile: Vhod Amti

The Zypger Union is well-known for its strict holonet censorship, which makes the rise of a Glitch.Holo streamer like Vhod Anti all the more unusual. And unlike many Zypger, who have been forced to move outside the Union to evade censorship, Vhod has been able to stream with the full consent and backing of the ruling Zypger Central Party.

Born to an administrator in a major province on the Home World and his wife, a major general in the Zypger Defense Force, Vhod seemed like an unlikely candidate for an interstellar gamer. But long periods left alone while his parents were involved with official business, in addition to his maternal uncle Bnuj who was an executive at a major electronics contractor, gave Vhod just the edge he needed to build a state of the art quantum gaming computer.

By the time he had reached the age of compulsory military service, Vhod had already set world records in Super Massive Black Hole Brothers and The Legend of Zetar, and his reaction videos to the jump scares in Six Orbits of Saturn had been viewed more than one quadrillion times on ClipClop.

Due to his frequent statements in favor of Zypger Union policies at home and abroad, some have accused Vhod of acting as a mouthpiece for the government. Especially when compared to dissident streamers like Sze Trast, who has been banned and auto-censored from every holonet transceiver in Union space, some argue, it seems that he is being used as a palatable alternative for more politically active streamers. Others point to his large fanbase in the Star Confederation at large to refute this, in addition to the many galactic brands he promotes in his streams and videos.

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The Aki Electronics RG-55D, sold in the United States under Aki’s “Robberson” brand as the Robberson R-55, is infamous for its supposed reception of “alien transmissions.” A piece of very high-end stereo equipment on its introduction in 1975, the RG-55 was primarily a cassette player but also featured a very basic radio set as an optional feature (the “D” part of its model name).

If a customer already had a radio in their home stereo setup, the RG-55 would pass that signal through to its headphone jack or a set of external speakers. But if the customer had no radio, the optional set replaced an otherwise decorative plate on the front of the machine. The extra cost, $50 USD for the Robberson model and ¥15,300 JPY for the Aki, was not competitive–the cheapest radio in the Aki/Robberson line, the T-24, had better reception, better range, better sound quality, and cost only $20 more. As a result, factory records show that only 66 of the optional radios were sold, 41 RG-55D units for the Japanese market, and 25 R-55D units for the American market. While a version was offered for sale in Europe (under Aki’s “Gugstein” brand as the GG-55D) none were sold.

One of the reasons for the radio set’s inclusion, despite its high price and general unpopularity, was that is was intended as a quiet test of a new system developed by Aki’s chief engineer Takayuki Fujimura. The innovative system used the wiring system that the unit was connected to as an amplified antenna, which promised exceptional reception range and low cost at the cost of quality, as the resulting signal was quite noisy and could be affected by other appliances or even fluctuations in the grid.

Soon after the units left the Aki factory and were delivered to customers, complaints began coming in that the radios were picking up unwanted signals. Several reported receiving air traffic control or police band transmissions, while others were able to pick up the audio portion of terrestrial television broadcasts. Others, however, reported reception of “sinister signals” that described their locations and lives in minute and disturbing detail.

Japanese customers and American customers both reported the transmissions in their native language, but despite the unit’s built-in tape recorder, recordings contained only static. Despite this, complaints continued to grow and media attention began to be devoted to the phenomenon. Rather than deal with the problem, Aki simply recalled all 66 units and mailed customers a stock 55 unit with e free T-24 radio.

Irate, Takayuki Fujimura insisted on being given an RG-55D unit to experiment with; Aki apparently obliged, while the others were destroyed, with the radios removed and crushed before being resold as stock units. Fujimora committed suicide by hanging three days later, leaving reams of notes (investigators describe them as “filling three walls”) on his findings but no answers. Officially it was believed that he was ashamed of the failure of his design and the resultant damage to his reputation, but conspiracy theorists maintain that he was silences, or perhaps so disturbed by the content of the transmissions that he took his own life.

Either way, the reports of mysterious transmissions cannot be substantiated. While a number of Aki and Robberson salespeople and service personnel said that they heard something odd demonstrated by unhappy customers, no recordings survive. Takayuki Fujimura’s RG-55D was converted into a stock RG-55 and resold after his death, with the radio unit being crushed; his notes were never seriously analyzed by the Kyoto police and were burned by the Aki corporate archivist shortly after Fujimura’s death.

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Xenia Zzazzsk

Profile: Xenia Zzazzsk of Hive #5

Conservative Fulvans live in vast planetary Hives that emphasize the collective over the individual and shun most galactic concerns except at the macro level. Reform and Orthodox Fulvans generally have a much more individualistic view, taking the ancient pronouncements of the Fulvan One as “more guidelines than actual rules.” Even though the large Reform and Orthodox Fluvan populations routinely flout the ancient hive rules, Xenia Zzazzsk has been at the forefront of mainstreaming Fulvans into galactic high society and pop culture.

Born into the Zzazzsk clan, a family which includes Fulvan tycoon Groncho Zzazzsk as well as the late holo-director Tsequ Zzazzk, Xenia’s mother famously appeared on the cover of Galaxy News Magazine holding her egg. This act is credited with reducing stigma for gravid and brooding Fulvans, and has led some commentators to quip that Xenia has been gracing magazine covers since before she was hatched.

Thanks in part to Nalia Zzazzsk’s continued media presence, the entire Star Confederation was able to see Xenia grow up, he early presence in hatchling magazines and scuttler-aged fashion shoots eventually giving way to minor roles in her great-uncle Tsequ’s final films. Xenia’s scene-stealing turn as the younger sister of Magellanic Zones’ love interest in Magellanic Zones and the Supermassive Black Hole even made it onto Star Confederation Monthly’s “100 Megasols, 100 Laughs” list.

While putting her career on hold to attend school, Xenia become an acknowledged master of the ClipClop platform, famously (or infamously) using AI-generated fakery to embarrass or prank others. Her subsequent feud with Madison R’Svask has become a social media legend, with it reportedly bringing the Fulvan Hive close to being expelled from he Star Confederation due to diplomatic pressure from the Vatna Hegemony.

Recently, Xenia has taken a short break from social media due to bombshell allegations that her parents corruptly got her into Betelgeuse University by claiming she was recruited to the liquid ammonia swimming team, despite liquid ammonia being toxic to Fulvans.

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Madison R’Svask

After attaining Vatna adulthood by hunting and killing a wild flu’Qog, with a combination Bat Mitzvah/Quinceñera on her mother’s side, Ms. R’Svask first rose to prominence through a series of ClipClop videos in which she danced and sang inside a Kragh Fleet fast food restaurant, pointing out the Vatna cultural origins of many parts of a standard Kragh Slurpy-Meal. The sixth video in the series, “Slurpy-Meal is a Killing Word,” went hyper-viral and won a Holoey Award for Best ClipClop in the Star Confederation.

After a few years of endorsing products and services, most notably SkinSoSoft™ Cremes from Earth and Battle Commander Glukh’s War Paint from Vatna, Ms. R’Svask live-blogged her way through the campaign of conquest required to earn the title of Warmaiden and the right to command a Vatna battlecruiser. Her campaign against the non-Star-Confederation-aligned Cetuccan Establishment was notable for its restraint and emphasis on diplomacy, with only one major and two minor battles and a few thousand dead.

Currently, in addition to her part-time internship with the Vatna First Battlefleet, Ms. R’Svask writes a weekly advice column for Star Confederation Today and has 1×10^27 followers on ClipClop.

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