I shepherd the souls of dead trees that have been bound into phylacteries that contain the knowledge of the ancients. Increasingly, we deal with demands to destroy these artifacts and allow the information to ascend and live amidst the cloud.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

“I guess those are all okay,” she said, “I liked the way that Mona appeared in every piece. But I don’t like the way they all include that weird Motley Man.”

“I based it off the creepy clown in My Friend Pierrot painted by Max Ernst,” I said. “It was in the art prompt folder.”

“Really?” She scrunched up her nose. “There was some awfully weird stuff in there, like those house-birds and that wall-face and stuff. Can I see it?”

“Sure,” I said. I dug through the art folder–clipped from a coffee table book of Max Ernst art that had died of a broken spine–trying to find My Friend Pierrot. Then I looked a second time. And a third.

Ernst’s coral towers, his jungles teeming with teeth, his architecture with organics…it was all there. But the motley fool capering with an impossible hat beneath an impossible moon…that had vanished.

“Huh,” I said. “I wonder what happened to it.”

The Motley Man, leaning quietly in the corner, smiled a jagged smile. “I wonder indeed,” said he. “I wonder indeed.”

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

I think I am mildly allergic to curry powder. It irritates my mucus membranes and makes me feel like I’ve been maced.

I lost a dime-sized chunk of skin on the back of my leg to a necrotic spider or tick bite.

I’m ambidextrous, can write with my left hand, and am right eye dominant. This explains the failure of my archery career.

When I taught college English for a few years, I was younger at 21 than some of my students.

I love movie and video game soundtracks and music with no lyrics or unintelligible lyrics. It lets me plaster my own story over the song.

I once sold a story for a tidy sum to people so secretive they tracked down a Livejournal about it and made me change it.

Finding good bargains at thrift stores gives me a similar high to that most drug users get.

I hope to visit every continent someday. Three left: South America, Australia, Antarctica.

I flunked out of the spelling bee two years in a row for the same word: allegiance. I still can’t get it right and in fact misspelled it while tying this entry (as “allegience”).

I’m a compulsive punner. If I were a superhero, it would be the Pun-isher.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

As a child of the Class of 1983, so to speak, my first memory is probably from late 1985, when I was a little under three years old. I remember visiting my mother where she worked from September until she took her leave to give birth to my younger brother.

The building was an ugly Brutalist monstrosity with more a large curved exterior wall, something which made a big impression on me as a tot. Inside, my mother’s office was all bright lights and cubicles. She was visibly pregnant at the time, with my brother. I had no idea what she did, and only a vague idea that “work” was where she was all day.

And the next memory I can assign a firm date to? July 8, 1986, the day my mother went into the hospital to deliver my brother. We got new carpets that day, carpets which would last us until 2014, and I remember sitting on our dining room table with my older brother, looking out on the bare wooden floors and wondering when the new baby was coming home.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

I think that ours is a society meant for 25-year-olds.

Everyone who is younger than 25 races to get there as fast as they can, impatiently tapping their foot as the clock crawls forward.

Everyone who is older than 25 looks back at it with regret, grasping with greedy fingers at the treasure they once posessed.

And the 25-year-olds themselves? The blissful ignorant, unaware of how golden is their hour even as it slips through their grasp.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

It’s been a momentous six years and as we close in on 2,200 posts overall, we thought we’d leave it to some of our most prolific contributors from the last few years to share their experiences of publication with EFNB.


Axton Wales
(Krane Wupinov, Half-Orc Bard, The Vallia Battlements Halfling Toss)

If it weren’t for the editors at EFNB, I wouldn’t have an outlet for turning my D&D adventures into fiction. Nobody takes roleplaying fiction, especially from players who don’t exist. There’s some kind of bias against nonexistent players playing a nonexistent adventure, just because it’s nonexistent two levels deep.


Lucy Y. Shantell
(The Mercenary Goblin, In the Name of Gob)

It’s hard for nonexistent authors to break into any genre, let alone crowded genres like fantasy. So I’m very grateful to EFNB for accepting the manuscript for my novel. I could have done without them chopping it up and publishing little bits of it out of order and therefore scuppering any chance of publication anywhere else, though.


Altos Wexan
(Ode to a Third Place, The Muse of Goo)

I’ve been with EFNB as a publisher since February 2010, and I’ve found no one more amenable to the type of fiction and essays I regularly write. They are a joy to work with and I can’t recommend them highly enough. But while we’re on the subject, guys, do you remember when you promised to stop paying me in imaginary money? Any movement on that front? Rent is due soon and I can’t sell much more of my blood.


Lila-Jenny Swanson II, editor-in-chief, Hopewell Democrat-Tribune
(L. R. Badeau on Being a Full-Time Unicorn [edited], Benchwarming in the Bleachfields)

The Hopewell Democrat-Tribune has had a content distribution agreement with EFNB since 2013, and ours has been an excellent partnership thus far. Nonexistent newspapers serving nonexistent municipalities have been hit harder than most by the economic downturn in the industry. By getting our content out there, EFNB has allowed our staff to continue pushing our progressive, inclusivist, pansexualist, and pro-formican viewpoints in a new age. Best of all, their pay for authors is exactly the same as The Huffington Post: absolutely nothing. Very competitive rates for such an upstart publication!


Klaus Ulrich Baden, Vice-President for Bloggery, GesteCo LLC GmbH
(Depression Werewolves [approved for general release], Cerebral Outsourcing [co-edited])

On behalf of GesteCo LLC GmbH, I am authorized to transmit the following statement, on the condition that it be understood heretoforewith that any objectionable opinions therein are solely my own and do not reflect an official position of GesteCo LLC GmbH. Official statement follows:

Thank you!

This concludes the official statement. Please note that any use of this statement outside of the context proscribed in the Explicit Transmittal Agreement is a breach of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act and will be vigorously prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. This statement is intended for viewers in Region 1 only and will not work on Region 2 computers or internet browsers. This content has been voluntarily blocked in China by mutual agreement of GesteCo LLC GmbH and the People’s Ministry of Truth. All rights reserved in perpetuity.


Anonymous
(A Writer’s Razor, Snarky English Major Haikus)

How did you get this number?


Catherine Vennari
(The Secret Plumage, The Raven’s Inheritance)

While there are many fine publication opportunities for connoisseurs of the dark, weird, strange, weirdly dark, and strangely weird, EFNB stands head and shoulders above the rest. Why? One simple reason: I suspect they are a shadow cabal of pigeon-computers networked into a gestalt whole.


Ari Penfield-Cuff
(Jane vs. the Megafrog, Ednesia)

Sometimes I just get the urge to write stuff. Not even writing, more like saying it straight onto paper. No filter. Just let te story flow out, even if it’s about dish soap or kangaroos. It’s just a thing I’ve gotta do sometimes, like breathing or composting or compositing or light murder.

Wait, I was published?


Andrew A. Sailer
(Why I Hate Reboots, The Best and Worst of Bond)

Thanks for publishing my rants. I doubt you’ve gotten much money out of them, but it counts as anger management according to the terms of my suspended sentence, so it’s all good.


Lynn Ruelle Badeau
(Happy (Belated) Unicorn Appreciation Day 2016!, L. R. Badeau on Being a Full-Time Unicorn)

Many sparkles to you on this joyous day!

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

They call it the third place.

Neither work nor home, a third place comes without the marionette strings and strong negative associations that come along with a workplace. It’s free of the endless distraction, chores, and laundry that swirl about the home. A third place is a sanctum apart, a place of peace and productivity.

For many, their third place is a library. Ample seating, books leeching the musty odor of delectable knowledge, and–most importantly–free internet access. But for a librarian like me, libraries ARE work, which means that relaxation and creativity and free internet access without dirty laundry must happen elsewhere.

What better place than a coffee shop? Life-giving, elixir-of-the-morning coffee (iced, of course, even in the dead of wintry mix February) plus wireless that usually works when you don’t have anything important to do plus a generous supply of tables and comfy chairs. Plus, for a hermit like me, the constant comings and goings of people jonesing for java can lend an air of sociability to a solor witing session.

Starting in 2010 or so, my third place was High Point Coffee just off West Jackson Ave. It wasn’t ideally placed, being in a strip mall perpendicular from the main college causeway and not easily visble unless you knew it was there. For the first few years I lived in town, in fact, I had no idea it existed. But for National Novel Writing Month 2010, I was invited to a write-in there by a fellow scribe.

They never showed up, but I kept coming. It wasn’t even for the coffee at first; I fell in love with the armchairs that let you sink in deep and nest, the titanic ottoman that could hold an entire disseration or novel revision, the crackling gas fireplace. With a double-bank of windows there was always plenty of sunlight, and an airy open layout allowed for maximum customization of tables, chairs, and snaking cords seeking the four precious outlets.

In time, once I realized that the caramel frappuccino I’d been drinking was a little too cold and a little too sweet, I fell in love with High Point’s iced mocha and iced vanilla (without whipped cream, of course, since I’m watching my figure). The large size of each was enough to fuel an entire session of third place noveling or blogging, augmented on occasion by a delectable $1 jumbo chocolate chunk cookie (but not the raisin cookies, since those imposters are disappointment made real and set loose upon a sinful world). It was to the point where, when I approached, the baristas sometimes had my favorite already started.

I only threw them a curveball by asking for the pumpkin spice a few times.

It’s kind of funny, and maybe a little embarrassing, how much someone can get wrapped up in their third place. Half of the pop songs on my iPod were yanked from the very air of High Point by SoundHound fur purchase. The baristas often became my friends as they came and went; I think half of the stylish people in my local circle worked there at one time or another. I took out-of-town visitors there, took dates there, even glued foam heads to their wooden coffee stirrers in one memorable art session. When I became a National Novel Writing Month honcho in my own right, our most informal and celebratory meetings were always advertised on Facebook with a coffee bean motif.

A Starbucks opened up just down the road on the site of a bulldozed Burger King the other year, and another indie coffee shop–much narrower and less well-lit, with uncomfortable wooden hipster furniture–not long before that. Both places fronted the main drag, meaning they were more easily visible. And though there were certainly busy times, especially near exams or after football games, the great draw of High Point as a third place was that you could always find a place to sit and spread out.

I had long feared that my third place would close, and gave them plenty of business to try and forestall such a horror. Every NaNoWriMo write-in had a table tent admonishing attendees to buy all the java they could. And yet, when they announced with less than two weeks’ notice that they’d be closed forever by Valentine’s Day, it hit like a sledgehammer. I’d built so much of my routine as a writer and as an (attempted) leader of writers to that one place. All but a few of my friends were out of a job. Generous tips in the last few weeks and a souvenir keep cup were all I could manage.

If that sounds a little silly, getting all busted up over a java joint closing, consider this: of my 2200 blog entries, perhaps 20% were written there in the grip of a chair deeper than a philosophy course. Every novel I tried to write from 2010-2015 was attempted there as much as it was at home; I owe three finished drafts and four unfinished ones to my third place. When I had mind-numbing chores to do at work and an open schedule, I’d sometimes retire there to work in peace and rate undergraduates or read faculty applications.

Worse, no other place is as close or as bright or as comfortable; ever since the library where I work installed a Starbucks above my office they’ve lost whatever luster they might once have had (their coffee is awful too). The other indie shops in town are either too far away or too uncomfortable. There’s one other High Point location, the last survivor, but it’s downtown where the parking is meager and the drunks run thick. It’s always packed to the gills and overrun with weirdos, like that creepy dude who takes surreptitious pictures of ladies’ lower limbs.

I’ll live. I’ll find another third place. But you never forget your first, whether it’s your first third place or your first indie java joint. Farewell, HPC West; we’ll always have the writing.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

“Well,” belches my muse. “You really screwed it up this time.”

“What?” I said. “I made it to 50,000 words. 55,000, even! I won and kept my streak alive.”

“Ah, but you didn’t finish the story this time,” he said, waggling a fat finger. “You notched your lowest wordcount since 2012, too.”

“Does that matter?” I said. “It was an ambitious story without a real outline, and I had a life this time around instead of just free time.”

“You won’t finish it,” my muse said. “It’ll go on the pile with those other half-finished books. The YA book. The noir. The action comedy. That pathetic attempt at political fiction.”

“Look,” I said. “I don’t care if I finish it or not.”

“In this case not.”

“I wanted to tackle some quasi-serious science fiction, some big themes, and try writing some more diverse characters…all at the same time. It was a lot to chew on, but I’m not sorry I bit it off.”

“Oh, you bit it all right,” my muse said, cracking open a fresh brewski. “You bit it.”

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

I roll to my feet, giddy with dehydration and dizzy wth sickness. The pharmacy’s worth of meds coursting through my veins is the only thing allowing me to get even that far. My objective: the computer screen across the room.

“Oh come on now,” grunts my creative muse. He sprawls out over the couch that I had occupied until a moment ago in wifebeater and boxers, beer in hand. As always, his metaphysical appearance is a direct invitation to litigation from Stephen King’s On Writing that only my obscurity prevents from making it to Maine Superior Court.

“Come on what?” I say, rolling a pair of kleenex pills and jamming them in my nose to dam up the flow.

“You’re stick with the Bug that Will Not Die,” my muse cries. “Every time you think you’ve licked it you wake up with a headache measured on the Richter scale and more goo than a Jell-O factory gumming up your various ducts.”

“Yeah,” I croak. “So?”

“So how do you expect to write, much less finish, a book under those conditions?” my muse cries. “Especially when it’s the most nebulous idea yo’ve had in years?”

“I’m working on getting it nailed down,” I reply, slumping into my chair. “It’s gonna have themes, more complex themes than a John Williams concert. You’ll see.”

My muse snorts. “Or it’ll be more wishy-washy than a drive-thru no-touch,” he says.

“Hey,” I snap, inasmuch as my gooey passages allow such sharpness. “I finished a book for Camp Naonowrimo this year already!”

“Yeah, and it was a flabby, rushed piece of…stuff,” my muse says. “You wrote it under ideal conditions, too, with nothing going on at work and even less at home. How do you expect to jam a full book into the time you have this month, especially if you want to get all of those so-called themes in there?”

“I’ll find a way,” I say. “I always do.”

“We’ll see,” grunts my muse. “Oh, we’ll see about that. Aim for the stars with science fiction and burn up in the atmosphere. Wouldn’t be the first time, won’t be the last.”

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

Bucephalus “Ransack” Roller Jr. was born to a blacksmith and cobbler in Henthigh, a highly urbanized region known for its strong drink, hearty food, and thick accent. As a lad, Roller helped his father Bucephalus Sr. in the arduous task of shoeing horses and forging tack, as well as pulling out the occasional errant tooth or setting the occasional broken bone. “Bucephalus” means “oxhead” in the Old Tongue, and it has a long and proud tradition in the Roller family; needless to say, Ransack hates the name and tends to threaten physical violence against anyone who uses it.

The nature of Buchaphalus Sr.’s work with animals and the occasional surgery was good training for an adventurer, exercising both body and mind. But Ransack never had much aptitude in the forge, and after a spectacular incident involving a horseshoe that became a tiny iron bomb, he found employment elsewhere as a bouncer and then a night watchman, where his strength and keen intelligence were both in demand.

When Ransack was about 18 or 19, the Kingdom of Henthigh fell to a revolution after a decade of misrule by the insane King Incitatus IV. The youth earned his nickname by leading a mob armed with clubs and tools to a nearby barracks and ransacking it for supplies to equip the rebels. Unfortunately, the rebel coalition fell apart at around the same time Incitatus did, and no sooner had they his head on a pike then they began infighting. Ransack, despite his valuable services, found himself blacklisted and was forced to look for work elsewhere.

After sailing from Henthigh, Ransack worked a variety of jobs: mercenary, schoolteacher, carny, prospector. Mercenary was the profession he defaulted to whenever his current venture fell through. He didn’t subscribe to any particular ideology or creed (though he remains a semi-devoted follower of The Traveller) he tended to sell his services to those on the popular side of uprisings or those outlying settlements abandoned by central governments. His early experiences taught him that the rich and powerful rarely tended to give the poor a fair shake, opting instead for a fair shakedown.

Ten years of job-hopping and mercenary work later, Ransack returned to Henthigh in an attempt to settle down once the People’s Democratic Republic of Henthigh got its act together. He brought with him a young wife he had met as a schoolteacher and wooed as a mercenary: Tabitha Hye. Ransack and Ms. Hye-Roller had twin children while he made an attempt to make an honest settled living in Henthigh: Dyse Roller, a son, and Paynte Roller, a daughter.

Tabitha had expensive tastes, though, acquired in her homeland of New Guernsey. One day, Ransack returned home to find his wife and children gone, having packed up and abandoned him on a trampship without leaving a destination or forwarding address. In the ensuing twenty-odd years, he has attempted to find them from time to time with no success. Both Dyse and Paynte would be about 21-22 years old now; their father did his best to train them in the ways of combat and hostage negotiations before they disappeared.

Ransack is tall and sturdily built, with a receding hairline that he caps off with a salt ‘n’ peppa ponytail (more salt than peppa) as if to show that he can grow all the hair he wants, he just can’t get it to take direction. As a man in his 50s, he wears spectacles: a pair of pince-nez bifocals for close work and a much sturdier pair of wrap-around-the-ear combat glasses for scrapes. Damage to the combat spectacles gives him -1 to his, destruction of the same confers a -4. Damage to the reading spectacles gives him a -1 to perception and charisma rolls, destruction of the same confers a -5 to perception and a -2 to charisma. He tends to wear a many-pocketed wasitcoat over shirtsleeves and keeps a neatly-trimmed mustache and goatee.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!