Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Remember, with ever more unpredictable temperature swings due to climate change, it’s important to make sure that your ectoplasm does not freeze. Frozen ectoplasm, and burst slime pipes resulting from it, are the #1 cause of supernatural molds, undead fungus, warped wood, and grave rot. Protect your home by following these simple winter tips:

1. Keep your house heated during the winter, even when you’re away. This will prevent ectoplasm-ice buildups in warmer temperatures and assure than any frost ghouls are small and manageable.

2. If you have ectoplasm piping installed in your sanctum, lair, or finished basement, leave a faucet dripping. This gives expanding ectoplasm someplace to go, and the resulting minor apparitions are easily dispelled or captured when you return.

3. If temperatures will be significantly below the freezing point of ectoplasm (16.666º), consider turning off your slime pipes at the municipal source. This will result in some inconvenience when you return, but it will be better than a Class VI Event that a full leak would cause.

4. If you do suffer a leak, remember: ectoplasm flows uphill, so be sure to check the rooms and spaces above for signs of contamination or haunting. Don’t trust a consumer-grade PK meter for this; invest in a professional unit or hire a contractor.

5. Remember: you may not be the only one dabbling with the dark arts in your area. In the event of a widespread freezing event, there may be many houses needing decontamination and exorcism. Be prepared to wait, and if possible prepare a list of damaged, haunted, and/or possessed items for the adjustor. A list of apparitions with descriptions and photographs would also be very useful.

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Tornado Watch
Conditions are favorable for tornado formation. Keep up to date on forecasts and plan accordingly. Exercise caution.

Tornado Warning
A tornado or cyclone has been observed or formation is believed to be imminent. Seek shelter immediately. Exercise extreme caution.

Tornado Whisper
An unusually quiet cyclone has formed. The distinctive “onrushing locomotive” sound may not be present. Exercise caution and obey Visual Tornado Rules (VTR).

Tornado Wade
A tornado has ventured over water and has become a waterspout. The twister can now inflict elemental damage and is immune to fire but vulnerable to ice.

Tornado Warrant
State, local, or federal law enforcement has reason to believe that a tornado has committed, been an accomplice in, or an accessory to a Class 2 felony or worse. Report the tornado to your local police hotline, but do not approach–it may be armed and dangerous.

Tornado Weird
A powerful being or supernatural force is at the center of the tornado, and has either created or commandeered it. Watch for tentacles, errant lightning bolts, and pockets of non-euclidean geometry. Avert your eyes lest you be afeared and driven to a dark madness.

Tornado Warp
All or part of the supercell storm system generating the tornado has begun to generate a natural warp field or “warp bubble.” Retreat to a safe 10-mile radius, as the tornado may begin faster-then-light travel at any time.

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“Why is the combat droid…blushing?”

“Those are heat sinks. When she overheats, the heat is vented out there.”

“You could put heat sinks literally anywhere, why under her eyes?”

“Because it’s cute. Clearly you don’t know much about gynoids.”

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The Machine-Man of Bergdahl, Günter Pontroß
Set in 2023 Bavaria, this film from the early part of the silent era is a near-direct copy of Čapek’s RUR with minor changes to skirt rights issues. This did not work, and the film was ordered destroyed by a Czech court. Nevertheless, surviving copies greatly influenced the cinematic presentation of robots, with Fritz Lang in particular citing it as an inspiration for Metropolis.

Time for a Change, J. Ralston McDermott
This comedy-romance features bookends set in 2023 Chicago, where put-upon everyman John Winkle IV attempts to travel to the past to improve the financial lives of his forebears in 1948, only to constantly find misadventure and failure affecting him in both the “present” of 1948 and the “future” of 2023. The 2023 sequences used mainly matte paintings and leftover props from science fiction serials, but in 2022 it gained brief notoriety for “predicting” the Russo-Ukranian War due to a throwaway line about “Soviets being forced from Kiev.”

Densetsu Shiro no Saigo!?, Matsumura Tamaribuchi
In the fourth installment in the popular and long-running Densetsu Shiro series, protagonist Shimada finds that his castle (which he won in a mahjong game in the first film) has begun accruing property taxes, which he lazily declines to pay. In response, he is pulled into the year 2023 by his future self to see the consequences of his decision: his longtime paramour Miyoko forced to work as a card shark, the castle outfitted as a tacky floating casino after being repossessed, and a future Shimada who is fat, bald, and depressed. Shimada’s solution, to remove the roof from his castle so it no longer qualifies as a residence and live in a tent on the grounds, mirrors that of many British aristocrats in the 1920s.

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“Oh yeah?” the groblin said. “Well, then, I suppose you know where we groblins comes from, eh?”

“Of course,” said Sub-Archon Dix. “You were fashioned from corrupted earth by the Dark Cloud to serve as its foot soldiers in an attempt to extinguish every light.”

“Hah!” chortled the groblin, tapping its taller gemlin partner on the arm. “That’s rich, innit?”

“Am I wrong?” the sub-archon said, looking haughtily at them.

“Course it is! If’n I asked you where archons come from, would you say they was hand-crafted from loam by the Light Cloud?”

“Well, yes.”

“Archons is made by other archons which trains them and gives them funny hats,” the taller gemlin said.

“We didn’t ask for your bleedin’ creation myth now, did we?” snickered the groblin. “That’s the problem with you archons, you’s more concerned with what happened a thousand years ago than what’s in fronta your conk!”

Dix was silent a second. “So…where do goblins come from?”

“Groblins comes from other, larger, groblins after they be makin’ the beast wif two backs, mate,” laughed the groblin.

“Wait,” Dix said. “Groblins have women?”

“Oh, that’s rich, comin’ from an archon,” the gemlin snorted. “Not only does we gremlins and our cousins have ladies, but you’re lookin’ at ’em.”

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When the mercury fallow lies
And the Heavens open up
The right stars make their hollow cries
And on cliff face ice she sups
From running stream and rain she grows
Upon her rocky throne
Non-euclidean queen of all the snows
Our world now called her home

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Man Lokxo: Welcome back to The Flavor Strikes Back, the only cooking show in the Star Confederation that pits a variety of alien cuisines and chefs head to head as they scramble to complete dishes that can please the biomechanical Foodminds! Coming to you live from Sol I, Mercury, the hottest planet with the highest iron content in its core, let’s meet today’s contestants!

Chef Zhao: As the only human here, I’m adaptive. I can overcome. Thanks to my digestive system and environmental tolerances, I can cook dishes that would poison or corrode most of my competitors and some of the judges. That means I can also take them right to the edge of the Flavor Neutral Zone. If I win, I’m going to make my dream of a creator-owned restaurant called Zhao’s Zingers come true.

Foodlord Hyvew: I grew up in a big Vatna family, and we were always cooking and eating. Vatna cuisine is in my blood, you know? I still remember Grandma Hurq honey-roasting one of our enemies for the whole clan, and I’m gonna do right by her and make the family proud. If I win, I’m going to use the prize money to buy a F7-class food cruiser to help conquer the gastropub in the local cluster.

Ajn the Preparer: Growing up, I didn’t have a family. I had to work my way up from the bottom, making gourmet meals from the carcasses of Fulvan Space Rats at the spaceport. That gives me the grit and gumption I need to make these spoiled brats drink vacuum. When–not if–I win, I’m going to open a culinary school for unhived Fulvans to learn their trade and give them a leg up.

Mealmaster J’kioay: I studied under the legendary Mealmistress Parog, and she taught me everything she knew, except for the legendary Black Hole Dish, which I had to figure out for myself. And since I used it to kill Parog and seize control of her culinary empire, it stands to reason that no one else here has the knowhow needed to defeat me. It is nobody’s business what I will do with my winnings; that is not for them to know.

01111001-01110101-01101101: As my great-grandsire used to say, 01000110-01010101. I have the entire culinary memory of my people to draw on, from Nutrient Slurry 1A to Nutrient Slurry 997281X. When I emerge triumphant, I will add the prize money to the Great Bank in exchange for upgrades to my Cooking Unit.

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Q: Will I see any orcs in the cave?

A: The Yadum Caverns are home to a small population of rare and endangered cave orcs. Their population has been decimated by white-nose syndrome and they hibernate from October to March. Do not attempt to interact with any orcs you see, or photograph them with your flash.

Q: Will I see any dwarves in the cave?

A: The dwarves of Yadum Caverns delved too greedily and too deep, and awoke shadow and flame in the depths. As such, they are critically endangered and have been extirpated from the caves. The only dwarves you will see are your fellow tourists or the forest dwarf guide Seyhan if it’s a Wednesday.

Q: What of the fabled flowstone metal with which the hill dwarves built their empire?

A: It was all mined out centuries ago, creating both the Lower Gallery and the wedding reception area.

Q: Will I see Gilcu’s Blight, the vuflia of the ancient world that laid low the Kingdom Under the Hills?

A: Only on the Adventure Tour, which requires an orientation session and a doctor’s note.

Q: Will I see the ruins of the famed Hill Dwarf city of Gzduurzghoi?

A: Due to ongoing conservation work and previous issues with precious flowmetal disappearing, Gzduurzghoi is currently off limits without a permit.

Q: I have heard that there are rare cave animals in Yadum Caverns, is this true?

A: Yadum hosts cave bats, cave crickets, cave salamanders, blind cave fish, white cave crawdads, and Zolsvi, demon spider of the abyssal gate. Remember not to bother any of them.

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Originally aired July 17, 1977.

The HOST stands in front of an old HOUSE, surrounded by scaffolding. Jaunty disco music plays over the THIS GROOVY PAD logo as the program returns from commercial.

HOST: Groovy! Welcome back to This Groovy Pad American Home Renovation, where we’re jazzing up this hoary old 1870s house with some serious disco style!

The HOST walks past an OPEN FLAME in the backyard, onto which HUNDRED-YEAR-OLD HARDWOOD is being thrown.

HOST: Now, we had stained hardwood floors in the front room and in the kitchen, and that is just too old-fashioned, yuck! So we’re tearing it all up, and burning it in the backyard trash pile.

The HOST leads the camera into the HOUSE, where WORKMEN are finishing up tacking down THICK SHAG CARPET.

HOST: In its place, nice new shag carpet is going into the front room, in cool, timeless, lime green.

The camera follows the HOST into the KITCHEN, where fresh plastic LINOLEUM is being buffed. A LIME GREEN REFRIGERATOR sits in one corner, while an ORANGE COFFEE MAKER and a BEIGE OVEN are nearby.

HOST: In the kitchen, we’ve just finished installing a full linoleum floor, which will really go well with our new orange, beige, and green appliances.

Walking UPSTAIRS, the HOST points out the walls of the MASTER BEDROOM, which are covered with PRESSWOOD PANELS.

HOST: Once again, we’ve beautified this room up to modern standards. This all used to be pristine wallpaper from the 1910s, now we’ve torn that up and replaced it all with faux wood paneling for a fresh, chic, modern look.

Descending to the FINISHED BASEMENT, the HOST points at the OFF-WHITE CEILING before running a hand over the GREEN BRICK WALL.

HOST: Finally, the basement here originally had an embossed cast-iron ceiling and natural brickwork. Ew! Eww! We’ve dropped the ceiling and installed fluorescent lights for starters, and we’ve also given these ugly naked bricks a rich coat of olive green.

Back OUTSIDE, the HOST gestures toward the HOUSE.

HOST: With the renovations nearly complete, we’ve timelessly updated this creaky old place for the modern era!

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